fetish

me and my husband have lived together for 1 year. we'd never faced any problems before marriage, though we hadn’t lived together then, we had sexual relations and both enjoyed them. After marriage I faced with the fact that he doesn’t want to have sex every night, but rather once or maximum twice a week. he didn’t go to bed with me, just sat there with his computer, saying he had to work. I cried and asked for attention, but every time his face was impressing only unwillingness to make love, as if he was waiting for the end. I never said no to him, every time he wanted sex (even though it happened quite rarely). We tried a lot of new stuff - role games,positions,****,etc. to color our sexual life, but he seemed to be bored anyway. Then I noticed he watches porn quite often. Then I found videos of him filming my girlfriends pissing in a toilet. Then I found photos of his friends' sisters' panties. Then it was movies about underwear fetish. Then I realized that we always had sex only if I had fancy/strange underwear or costumes. Now he realized what he prefers and he is all into porno movies with fetish. He opened a community on some of the social networks and loads videos he found on other sites in. He can’t work properly; he behaves with me as if I was his best friend. We don’t have sex, despite the fact I ask for it, but I want to make love, without fetish. I want to be loved. I am in deep depression now. I don’t want to live.I don’t respect myself for asking for attention, I hate my appearance, as I don’t look attractive enough to my husband, i dont trust him because he lies all the time about watching porn, always saying different things and expressing different attitude...

Then he told me that he was raped when he was 13. He suffered a lot at first, but now he doesn’t seem to care much about this fact. After that he started enjoying watching other people through the windows at night.
We tried to go the psychologist. But it didn’t help, because he didn’t want to speak about this. The doctor used hypnosis, but it just didnt help.
He knows he can lose me, and he doesnt want to lose me, but doesn want to change anything either. He is all into downloading and watching these movies now. Every time I find something at our computer, I start shaking badly from nerves, crying. I am obsessed in looking for stuff in his PC. No one else knows about this problem. We look nice in the parents' and friends' eyes. And its so hard not to be able to speak to anyone about this, to share...
I love him. He is a wonderful man, a talented one, an architect, kind and smart... He loves me too, but he seems to be addicted. is it possible to save our relationship? how should I behave? Sometimes I feel like I cant even look at him, sometimes I hate coming home, sometimes I look at him and realize we should go through this and win. Is it possible?

He need to talk about it to a therapist. Maybe it would be easier to talk if you weren't there.

And it's important for you to know that "his issues" are just that HIS ISSUES, they are not your issues, you shouldn't let what he is doing impact your self esteem (yes I know easy for me to say hard for you to do).

Welcome to PC ((Julie Garbs)) and I'm sorry you're going through this. Yes it certainly sounds like your husband is addicted to porn and masturbation. There also something more serious happening with him taping your friends peeing and the voyeurism at a young age - this is illegal. Let me also reassure you, that your absent sex life isn't because you're not attractive or arousing enough for your husband.

Unfortunately this isn't going to get better unless he can see this is a problem and wants help. Its not fair to you since you're newly married. With an addiction like this, the person needs more and more stimulation to feel aroused and regular sex isn't enough. In addiction if a man depends on masturbation and constantly increases him visual stimulation, he can actually become impotent when he tries normal sex.

You need to be nicely honest with him and yourself. He may never reach out for help. You should also let him know taping women secretly is against the law and if he has anything else illegal on his computer, he could get in trouble. In the meantime, get yourself a therapist so you don't have to suffer alone - you deserve better and a promising life with a loving partner. Supplemental masturbation is fine, but not right to desert your partner as you've experienced. You don't want to live like this for the duration of your marriage.

Hi there.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Lynn and Mike are absolutely correct though...he needs to open up to a therapist and admit he needs some help with this, and you should speak to a therapist so you aren't bearing this burden on your own. You owe it to yourself, and he owes it to you to do everything in his power to fix this.

He has to understand, unless he opens up and is honest with his therapist, he/she can do little to no good. They have to understand the situation and his feelings on it, and he has to be able to talk about it in order to work through it. Keeping secrets isn't something conducive to therapy. I know something like that is hard to talk about, and I understand opening up about it to a relative stranger is difficult, but it severely limits the effectiveness of the therapist the more he downplays it.

Please know you're in my prayers. I hope both you and him are able to get through this.