Is it possible that someone can give up submission and masochism to be with the one you love?

I always thought so but I need to be controlled more, I need him to stop being so forgiving over everything and to punish me for once. I get that he is vanilla to the core and I fell in love with him knowing that,now how I an ask him to try and be more dominant? I cant.

I got into this lifestyle at a young age -too young, an underage. It's all I knew when I met him vanilla was good, but it's still at the back of my mind and he doesn't understand when I try and be submissive he gets annoyed at it, he doesn't understand.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not think that he is going to enjoy punishing you. Some lighthearted BDSM, such as a bit of spanking that does not TRULY hurt you, perhaps, but not what you really want. I am very vanilla and I would not enjoy punishing someone. It would disgust me. And real pain would probably frighten me.

[Harley47]

Hi there.

I do believe it can work, but it requires communication. He seems to not understand what it is you want, and you, respectfully, seem a little intimidated talking to him about it. That's okay! Just be honest.

A lot of his trepidation might stem from misunderstanding as well. When I first learned of BDSM, I was repulsed (sorry ). I didn't understand what pleasure could be derived from that, and I was afraid that the sub partner was being hurt (well...in a way outside of what is expected, I suppose. And honestly, I thought the dom was a bit of an *** for wanting to do that). To me, it was scary to look at from the outside, and I could not for the life of me understand why someone would want to be in such a position. However, I've met a lot of people who engage in that type of lifestyle here, and it was an eye opener. I understand it much better now, and I know it's not a matter of disrespect or a desire to hurt. It's simple bedroom play. He might need the same eye opener.

That's the best I can offer. The key is communication. If he ABSOLUTELY will not, you two will have to work something out. Communication and honesty are always key components in a relationship. Do understand though, if he can't, he can't, and something will need to be worked out. I know that even though I understand it, I could not go through with it if a partner requested it, I don't think. I understand, and I know it's not true pain, so to speak, but I still can't negotiate the conflict in hurting or being...aggressive...with someone I love and sexuality. It's a personal mental block for me. He may or may not be of the same persuasion.

Take care, and I wish you both my best.

Hugs,
Harley

[Sam2]

Harley has a good point. Your boyfriend has no way of knowing what you want unless you tell him. You need to sit down with yourself, figure out why you like a little of the dark side and whether you truly feel that you can have a satisfying sex life if you have to give it up. Once you find the answer to those questions, talk to your boyfriend and be candid. If you aren't on the same page, its better to find out before you go any further.

If you don't tell your boyfriend, you are just going to wind up in a situation where both of you are angry and frustrated with each other. He is already getting annoyed, which probably frustrates and annoys you because he isn't picking up on your signals. Fear of rejection is not a good basis for a relationship.

Sam2

Trust me, a lot of men love to dominate women sexually. But if you don't tell your guy that's what you're into he won't do it in case he scares you. He doesn't know how you're going to react.

[LiteraryLark]

Like Harley says, it would require a lot of communication to get what you want, because what your asking him is to be your master and punish you, but from his perspective, punishment can mean a form of abuse and a sign that he does not care for you and treat you with respect. You're asking a lot from him just to say "punish me, it gets me off".

You don't have to give up your submission, but you have to make it clear to him what you want and that the punishment makes him happy. But the odds are, he likely will not respond with wanting to hurt you or to be forceful with you.