OkCupid is too good, thanks DrSkipper

Bi guys mean they like both girls and guys...there's not a personality or penis-length difference between bi guys and straight guys, so why would it be unsolicited? But I understand the idea of someone who is interested in women also be interested in men.

Should I just take the profile down then? I'm not sure what else to do. I'd start another thread but I'm pretty sure it would just go around in circles like everything that has to do with my sexuality.

I would put whoever I wanted to date, regardless of whoever I had feelings for; I was neither gay or straight, but I specifically wanted to date men, so I put straight to get the right attention.

There have been times where I contacted someone and they told me they didn't date bi women, even though I was looking to date a guy. So be careful of what you choose. If you are looking to date women only, put gay, so that way you don't get contacted by men when you're not interested in men at the moment.

That's a good point. But I've heard (and this could be false) that lesbians really don't like bi girls so if I'm not completely gay (if I say I'm gay) I'm afraid that they would be mad about that.

That and the whole I'm terrified to admit that I'm gay (or something close to it).

So you're having other people tell you who to be. That's not my choice to tell you you're orientation, and any decent gay girl can understand that not everyone is comfortable in their own skin.

Ok...I'm just going to change my orientation to "gay" on OkCupid and if anyone asks I'll just say I'm not really sure what I am, but have no interest in guys. It was actually bothering me a little that guys were looking at my profile. That probably sounds weird, but it feels like a stranger watching me change clothes or something. Although all the girls who have seen my profile go from bi to straight to bi to gay etc. are probably wondering what my problem is...oh well.

unsolicited meaning that I did not indicate in the profile that I solicit interest from. Bi guys. Such interest is novel to me. Yet, I do understand your point in that it is enough that I am a girl and his being a bi guy makes him interested in me as well, potentially. I must admit, the thought of being sexual with a guy who has been with guys makes me queasy but I might. Overcome it with time.

This is just an update for amusement purposes.

So I should probably amend my profile to add that besides dates I can be engaged for mental health support groups face to face.

This is because...

The guy who has written a book, on a third date, volunteered that he has depression and after many medications tried, seems to be doing well on Lexapro. I unwittingly provoked his disclosure. This is OK, depression is depression, he is exceedingly nice, I think I lucked out on him and I will go out with him again tomorrow.

Another guy, completely unprovoked, volunteered that he spent ten thousand dollars on nine months of therapy following the demise of his marriage... that lasted only eighteen months. This together with a few other things was a showstopper for me so I did not go on more dates with him. The only cool thing about him was his explaining of what the company he works for does. It develops drugs for diabetes and erectile dysfunction, and he said erectile dysfunction with such a straight face as if it were common cold. I liked that. But not everything else.

I have not had time to go on more food dates.

So far I am meeting with mental health consumers only, hundred percent.

That's great that you're getting so many dates!

I haven't been able to figure out how to get someone to even contact me yet. I'm still sort of on the fence about whether or not to keep the profile as it seems a waste of space.

It is OK, let the site worry about the server space.

I guess I meant it metaphorically, not literally. It seems silly to keep it up there (perhaps embarrassing even) if it's a complete failure of a profile.

See, before I thought that even though I had less activity on my profile than others, that in general there wasn't that much activity. Now I know that that isn't the case, so it leads me to believe that it may be pointless for someone like me to have a profile up there. But I think I've already deleted 2 or 3 profiles on OkCupid for the same reason.

The profile probably needs improvements.

I posted it half-jokingly but it has turned into truth...

The guy who has written a book sent me a description of a depressive episode yesterday. What happened to him on this weekend. " I fell into a light depression...I thought about you over the weekend, but I was too stuck on feeling down to call or anything."

Well...

To the extent that this is an apology for not contacting me over the weekend, of course, no problem. But I am not sure I want to be updated of every mood change... I generally come here to talk to people about their moods. I did not plan to use the dating site to extend my familiarity with people's moods...

Maybe that is great news that he is so open and maybe that is exactly what I needed to have happened to me, I am just saying that it is an unexpected development. Anyway, I will see him tonight.

Maybe you should remind him that you're not seeing him to discuss mental health, but maybe you should reconsider dating him if you're not interested in dating someone with mental health issues. I won't date anyone with mental health issues, it's too much drama to deal with.

I will see. He told me about this depression and that he could not determine its trigger. I told him that I had two two week anxiety episodes without ANY trigger but out of the blue. In 2012 and 2011. We did not discuss MH further.

I am afraid to rule out people with MH issues because it might severely reduce my range of options. It seems that everybody around here everybody has depression and anxiety as a rule. Whom will I date if I become so choosey?

I do rule out OCD clean freaks though, having included in the profile that I am a messy person.

I thought more about it and I will modify your rule to say that I will not date anyone with mh issues unless high functioning. Meaning, won't pick up guys from the residential treatment center where I was placed four years ago when then H refused to take me. Home after inpatient.

This guy Randy is clearly high functioning. I read the LINKEDIN profile and saw no issues with professional functioning. He talks of a craft hobby and meetings with other hobbyist guys he hosts in his apartment regularly, so normal socialization. Finally, he is polyamorous but does not report a whole lot of poly part of the word. Reports regularly seeing someone named Jennifer who is married and lives within an hoour and a half drive away so for these two reasons they do not meet often. But he consistently reports going to this restaurant with her or doing ABC or XYZ with her which gives an impression of a normal relationship. So high functioning in relationshps as well. I think I can live with all this. I think it is a decent compromise.

We also did some light kissing and he is extremely sweet. Not in a sexually arousing way, no, but just very very tender and sweet. So overall I feel that I lucked out on him and am glad that he found me.

One guy on okcupid messaged me saying he and I have a lot in common. He wrote in his profile that he was in a sexless marriage and was looking for a sexual partner. I shut that down real fast. Jerk. After I told him to get lost he changed his status from 'married' to 'available'.

lol I love that emote.

My experiences dating online were...very, very subpar, to say the extreme least. Like, "Catfish" levels of subpar. YMMV, of course...but I've been wary since my debacle. But that's purely me.

How'd your date go HB?

It went well and I invited him over on Sunday to eat. Later on Sunday he will go home to watch the Superbowl, which is the only professionals sports event he watches. And I do not have a TV for that. He told me he does not care about the shape of my apartment and that his apartment is very cluttered and he cannot even blame an ex for that. So I just need to cook and I have not done it in a couple of months.

Since we have already discussed his work and my work, his childhood and my childhood, his mental health and my mental health, his relatives and mine, and in particular when his grandmother died and when my grandmother died (both at 90+), his former and current partners and mine, his cat and my cats, and everything else that can possibly be discussed, and he is nice and sweet and appreciative and all the rest of that, I plan to try and have sex with him on Sunday and see how it goes, because otherwise I am completely out of ideas of what else to do with him. Someone on the Relationships and Communications forum suggested bowling, and I thought about it, but decided against it because I just do not see myself being keenly interested in how well he does bowling. I deeply do not care and feel that we can safely skip that stage.

lol Well, heck of a Superbowl Sunday, it sounds like.

I would have to ask, and you know I don't mean any offense, but based on what you've said about him, things seem to be getting a little...stagnant, as far as substantive relationship things go. Frankly, you sound a little...bored, if I may say so. Would sleeping with him help (long term...lol I won't argue that if things go well, a Superbowl Sunday followed by...well, you know...is a heck of an evening )? It seems to me like sex as you propose it is more of a last ditch effort to keep the spark going, which I'm not sure is viable long term.

Not trying to interject myself where not wanted. Just offering advice to a friend, is all.

I am curious as to what it would feel like having sex with him. He is extremely, extremely sweet. Sweet and gentle. I have never been around someone so sweet and gentle. No, I do not expect earth shattering sex with him but I think it can be very nice. But I cannot tell without having had the experience - I am not good even at weather forecasts. Yes, it does seem like we are already sort of close friends who have known each other for ages - you are right spotting that. But I have a suspicion that I am just not set up the right way in the first place and become sexually attracted to the wrong people. Say, I still would have loved to have sex with ex 2nd H even though I know that he has abused me through and through, taken everything that I have had of value, and ruined my career and life in general. But I still find him attractive. So there might be something in my internal set-up. Therefore, if I keep looking for strong sparks, I am afraid that I will be drawn to a wrong person. I might need years of T to correct what is wrong with me. So I do the opposite now - I first interview and evaluate people, ascertain that they are good for me, and then decide if to proceed with having sex with them. I have interviewed Randy through and through and he is good for me. He even has a record of living with a woman who was recovering from domestic abuse, and he helped her with that. This is very commendable in my book. While I do not intend to USE him in that way (no, I do NOT - I am just looking for a friendly casual r/s on equal terms), I did make sure that he is not abusive.

I certainly do not recommend that YOU go by such unusual rules in your dating, because you do not have such unusual history that I have, but I am just explaining where I am coming from and how I have developed my criteria for partner selection.

Oh no worries HB. I understand your perspective, and I completely understand your mindset of still being attracted to your ex 2nd H. I still occasionally get an emotional pang or two (lol perhaps among others... ) for my ex, and that was an utter nightmare. I wouldn't go so far as to compare the two...just offering my closest experience.

He sounds like a great guy, and offering so much to someone in the example you posed in the woman he helped is certainly commendable. I just want HB to be happy in the long term, is all, and hence my post.

I would not have done it. I would have written: "Thank you for your interest and thanks for putting me on notice about your marriage situation. My personal rule is to date men who are either single or divorced. I wish you luck in everything."

An analogy - many years ago I was interviewed by a NYC law firm for a summer associate position. The woman who was my main interviewer went on and on about her tobacco defense practice. Tobacco defense was hot in the 1990s. I happened to think that it was wrong to engage in tobacco defense - that the firm was on the wrong side of the road, so to speak. The firm gave me an offer. I wrote a nice thank you letter rejecting the offer. I did not write that I disapproved of the firm's involvement in and earning money from tobacco defense, because nobody asked for my opinion on that matter. They were nice enough to extend their offer, and I reciprocated with being nice enough to thank them for it and reject it in a polite way.

In your situation, you think that it is wrong of him to seek another sexual partner while remaining in a sexless marriage. Did he ask for your opinion on that matter? He did not. So your reaction was unsolicited.

I believe that even though it is a quasi-anonymous online environment, the same rules of polite and courteous behavior apply as everywhere else.

Not that I think that you did anything horrible, of course, Yoda, but just offering to treat this environment just as we treat other environments with offers and rejections (jobs, college placement, graduate programs, internships, and so on and so forth). In those environments, if we do not like something, we are either nice enough to take the trouble and write a short thank-you-rejection letter, or we ignore the offers altogether and do not bother. Anything else is uncalled for.