Is it Normal to Fantasize About Someone Else?

All weekend long I've been having fantasies about a coworker, making out and sex and such. When I have fantasies, I almost never think about my boyfriend. The fantasies I do have about him involve the two of them at the same time. I've known my coworker for almost six months and have been fantasizing about him for those six months, but I haven't known my boyfriend for very long.

Is it normal to fantasize about people other than your boyfriend? Is it normal not to fantasize about your boyfriend at all?

Thanks.

I wouldn't know personally, but I wonder if perhaps the whole idea for you is thinking about the thing that you aren't getting/can't have? You have (presumably) an active sex life with your boyfriend so you have nothing really left to the imagination and you are excited by the unknown or the naughtiness of your coworker?

No, I am a virgin and only recently started dating my boyfriend.

It's pretty normal, I believe, like it or not. I would occasionally find my mind wandering even when I was with my ex. I would've never, ever have been unfaithful to her (she should have been a fraction as loyal...), but the mind thinks what it will. So, there I think you're fine.

Not fantasizing about your boyfriend at all, however, worries me slightly...namely that coupled with the issue you mentioned in your "Black and white" topic. Are you attracted to him physically?

That being said, I do recall how you mentioned your coworker behaves towards you. Personally, knowing that, I don't care if he (insert every physical trait you're a fan of here). He's sort of a (your word here), IMO, but that's me.

I am somewhat physically attracted, but I don't think as much as he's attracted to me. I don't have "googly eyes" as I have been with other crushes.

I'm wondering if perhaps the kissing and making out is going too fast. He is a great kisser though.

edit: And with my coworker, it's hardcore/brutal BDSM stuff that I can't see myself doing with my boyfriend. My boyfriend even told me he doesn't want to be penetrated, and that's my main fantasy.

That could be it. You remind me a lot of myself in regards to comfort in sexuality (well...lol maybe sans a little of the more hardcore stuff. Speaking more to pacing and degree of respect held toward it), and were I in your shoes, I'd be a little concerned about it being a little too fast. Don't take that as me judging you by any means, of course. Just saying if it were me.

I do confess a little concern over the "somewhat physically attracted" part...physical attraction is, whether we really like to acknowledge it or not, a pretty vital cornerstone of a relationship. I fear a small bit of incompatibility physically...and you "sound" (as much as text can be) pretty disappointed about the lack of pegging. Not saying that's an instant relationship death sentence or anything, far from it..but that is a bit of a bump in the road.

How long have you been going out with your bf and you've already discussed that? I would say, the other person's butt, unless you're both men, is off limits until all other areas have been exhausted, so to speak. Then you pretty much spring it on them when they're in a more vulnerable position and hope they thank you, not slug you. That's how I remember it anyway. Let me see if I can find my Rosetta Stone diary back from when I was still doing it...

I just don't feel like other girls who are constantly texting their boyfriend's "omg miss youz" and attatched to the hip. I'm still trying to get to know him. There's just not enough to be in love with, I feel like I barely know him, even though we went on a week's worth of dates.

edit: Hankster: We've been going out for over a week. So I guess I'm right in being I shouldn't be in love when it's only been a week. But it's still at the stage where I'm worried what if I don't fall in love.

Now I'm feeling doubtful =[

Well, that's a matter of to each their own. Not every girl is like that, nor is every man not like that, if we're considering opposites here. lol I'm perhaps a little guilty of being the one who sends the dopey messages all the time...or was, at least.

Not knowing him very well could absolutely be a factor. At this point, you're still trying to figure out if he's good for you, so to speak. Infatuation and mutual respect hasn't had the chance to evolve into love just yet.

That being said, when/if it does, things may very well change. Until you can truthfully say you love him and really mean it, there's not much of a mental/emotional difference between him and that rude hunk at work. If said rude hunk is indeed a rude hunk, he wins in the lust department. Give things a little time before you start to worry about it...I'd tell you after you two are a little more firmly cemented as a couple and things don't change, then there might be more severe problems. Right now, when you two are sort of in the "trial" phases of the bf/gf thing, I'd say you're fine.

Yep and I am trying to relate to you as the person you are. I feel like you got a hold of a toy that's not for your age level. But not because you're dumb. It's just a really advanced toy or there is this part of you that is really advanced - as you say, you're not texting him every 5 minutes like some girls - anyway, not all your parts are in sync. It's like you need to wait for some of them to catch up, or else you'll get into trouble. Like a 10 year old genius in college. I don't know you well enough to know all your parts, but I can see how parents would have certain expectations and try to ignore what doesn't fit, leaving you to deal with it alone, unfortunately. It's like you need a mentor? To help focus all that energy and intelligence.

It makes sense, sort of.

There's my fantasies, which I would say is quite advance for someone with no sexual experience...and then there's reality, with me feeling awkward when my boyfriend tells me he wants me to be dominant and in control and me not knowing what to do. He's been with three other girls so he is in a way a guidance, but I know that I'm not ready to rush into sex, love even. He wants me to take baby steps, and I know that for now he's going to be leading me until I feel ready to lead him, which is what I'm comfortable with doing.

DrSkipper, I hope to find more time soon to share my thoughts on this, but I'll keep it short for now, since I'm way past the time I should have been asleep.

You're normal. It's perfectly normal to have fantasies about other people. Ideally, you'd have fantasies about your boyfriend, too, but sexuality is a complicated thing and I don't think it means you don't like or care about him. I find it hard to fantasize about real people (except celebrities, but they're still kind of fantasy personalities), but I don't think there's anything wrong with me. Hugs to you!

I had a horrible date yesterday where he wanted to take me out to the redwoods/beach and we spent four hours being lost (we wanted to take the scenic route). Neither of us had any idea where we were going and by the time we reached our destination it was compeltely dark and we didn't know how to get back home. On top of that, we spent most of it in silence. I was pissed off at him though it wasn't entirely his fault and had him take me home after. I was so pissed off I wanted to change my relationship status on facebook because I think a week is too soon to be in a relationship, and pissed off that if I did he'd think I didn't want to be with him.

I spent a lot of that car ride fantasizing about my coworker, mostly because I was bored/pissed off and we spent the car ride in silence. I don't feel guilty about it, more guilty because I could have came up with something to talk about, but I never know what to talk about with him. It should be easy because I don't know him, and most people I can talk and talk and talk, but with him I feel like there's nothing to talk about. It's awkward.

We're going to try clubbing again, that's the one place we seem to get along really well at.

=/

We had another not-so-great date. We went out to dinner with his coworkers, and I spent two hours of awkwardly sitting there while he chatted with his coworkers, then they all wanted to go clubbing and I had him take me home.

I just don't feel anything for him. It sucks because I can tell he's madly in love with me, but I don't what else I'm going to do except give it time. I don't see why I have to wait in order to fall in love, and why I can't just be in love with him.

So maybe you're starting to see that stuff like polite and gentle are attributes that should be givens. Like Maslow's theory of needs. Once you've deduced that a guy can provide basics like food clothing and and shelter you work your way up the pyramid and see what else he's got going on.

Like for me if a guy gives a snarky answer to some of the political questions on okc, I know we do not have a match. It sounds like you have not met a lot of people for some reason. I would focus on quantity and let the quality float to the surface. Just keep it casual with the many, tho.

We talked and decided I'd give it some time. There's a lot of other stressors as well: My money has been cut off for January and I've basically been using money I don't have to go on these dates, he doesn't know that, meeting six of his friends at once was too stressful, and I wanted to wait until I was ready to kiss and say "miss you", it was too overwhelming for him to text me how much he missed me and wanted to cuddle, etc. I haven't told him that either.

Perhaps you should tell him Doc. It might be good for him to know where you're coming from.

Give things a little time to sort themselves out...once your stressors have been reduced, try looking more closely at things then. Just (and not to be negative...just covering a possibility, not that I necessarily see it heading as such ) don't be upset if things don't go as planned...you cannot force yourself to love anyone, much like you cannot force someone to love you. Even if you could, that's a bad foundation to build on.

Things'll work out in the end Doc. They always do.

I agree, communication is important. It's not easy, but it might open the door to something new.

We decided to just be friends...

Sorry to hear that you two split Doc. Though I suppose you could look at it that in every ending there's a new beginning, right?

Any fantasizing is normal by definition, and the earlier you get this notion right, the gentler you will be on yourself, which in turn will result in being more in harmony with yourself. Do not police or over-analyze your fantasy life.

Oh, I am sorry, too. Did not read the whole thread.