Trying to sort out feelings :/

ok here goes.... I think I might be gay. There I said it Idk though, I'm not sure and this is very confusing. This is the main reason for me wanting to hurt myself and for me being depressed and feeling like a worthless freak. I'm not saying people who are gay are worthless or a freak, I just don't know how to find out for sure. I am engaged to a guy who treats me good most of the time. The emotional attraction is still there very much, but my physical attraction seems to be only for girls. I mean he is a very good looking guy. Blonde hair, green eyes, thin and tall. The type of guy I would normally chase after in a heartbeat, and I'm engaged to him. You would think I'd be all over him and everything. I want to be close to him, just not so much in a sexual way. But I want to want it from him. I've made myself do things with him a few times to make him happy, but he can always tell that I'm not into it. I'm so confused and idk what to do :/

If that's your photo on your Profile Page, you look quite young. How much sexual experience have you had, all in all, same & opposite sex? Could it be that you're not completely committed to the idea of marriage at this point in your life? Could be you've got some more living to do.
Hormones and peer pressures, family expectation and the romantic clouds that Floyd away with out so easily at this age--could be this Tennessee Lassie isn't isn't feeling at all comfortable in this roll you've been cast in to play for life.
Maybe you are gay--have you had a gay relationship? Or maybe you just don't want to get married now. Maybe you don't want kids now. Maybe you want a career.
You posts have a lot of holes in them.

One thing's clear--you should have at lease a two-year engagement and do a lot of thinking and talking.

... back to the earlier post ...

That picture was taken 2 years ago when I was 17. I'm almost 20. I have been with guys and girls. I'm sorry if my posts aren't clear or if there's holes in them. I'll answer any questions that I myself know. I do want to get married and I do want a family which is why I'm so confused.

How did you end up engaged to this young man? How long have you been engaged?

We've been engaged since September. We are planning on waiting until I graduate college to get married, which is next april. He asked me and I said yes then we talked about it. I moved from our hometown to like an hour away for school and a job and he moved with me.. So other than my mom he is really the only person I have right now.

You've put yourself between the proverbial rock and a hard place. I'm so sorry, depressedgirl. If you're not physically/sexually attracted to him now--when?

I'm not sure the issue at this point goes any further than this one relationship. Even if you're 100% heterosexual, marrying this particular man is throwing up all sorts of red flags at many levels. Figure whether you want to spend the rest of your life with him, raising the children you have with him. If you don't, end the engagement.

Then move on to you and start discovering for real what your sexual preferences are. (By the way, do you really need the props ... now that you've gotten this far?--I hope not)

roadie

Granted, the combination of blond hair and green eyes is quite rare and must be stunning, but if you are attracted to girls, well, maybe there are blonde girls with green eyes out there?

See idk what's going on but I do love him. His best friend was calling me beautiful and saying if my fiancee wasn't with me that he'd be all over me and my fiancee just didn't say a word good or bad about it. It just seems like he doesn't care.

Guys have their own brand of tease talk, and your BF may have felt that his friend's comment was stupid & didn't deserve a response. In that context, he didn't care ... who would?

My impression remains that you've got a lot of living and laughing, dating and growing to do before you're going to have matured to a level to make life-commitment decisions. Once you settle down (& for) the domestic live, so much of the rest of your life is limited and decided and not available to you. Why rush that? Why not call off this engagement, which doesn't have your best interests going for it now, take a deep breath, and figure out who you are and what life you want. Then go get it.
You sound like such an exciting gal, willing to reach out and grab on to life with both hands. Why not give yourself the chance? Who knows, you might do something important!

The thing is his best friend is always complimenting me and telling my fiancee how lucky he is and always making comments but he never takes the comments too far. I asked him why he never gets mad when his friend makes comments and he said cause he knows I'm not stupid enough to leave him and ruin our relationship. Its pretty bad when I get more compliments from his best friend then I do from him.

Maybe you ought not to let that conversation end there, since your feelings about it don't.

You might say, "BF, we need to talk about our relationship. You seem to be assuming things about it that I'm not. Oh, and for the record: You see how much I appreciate your friend's compliments, but you've learned nothing from that. It's pretty bad when I get more compliments from him then I do from you.

Then you need to talk about his apparent assumption that you're "not stupid enough to leave him." Tell him to look around at all the men of power, fame, and money in the world--who have a lot more to offer a woman than he has--who have been left. Dumped, in fact. No man is so good that he can't be left. No woman, either. People aren't perfect, and relationships can always be improved.
Everyone, always, needs to keep that as a working attitude. Also the fact the people in a relationship are equal.

Yea I really like when his friend compliments me and that worries me

It's something to learn from ... but not worry about.
roadie

I think that Roadie is SO spot on...

What would I learn from that?

Liking compliments is a normal human reaction. There is nothing to worry about here. You have more important things to worry about - you are getting married being pretty young and unsure of many things that make you you.

Compliments from anybody should be on the very bottom of your list of things to worry about, if even there at all.

Idk whats wrong with me. I've been so depressed and nervous and everything lately that I want to stay messed up all the time because real life is too hard to deal with.

If you like compliments, what's wrong with that? When your BFs friend compliments you and your BF makes a demeaning comment, let him know you appreciate honest comments--and it wouldn't hurt him to say something nice once in a while. Women and men help their relationship by telling each other what they like.

Being messed up is never easier than real life. Real life is complicated, but messed up is always going in circles, always going out the in door, never having the right phone number for the person you need. Messed up never goes forward, never gets ahead.

Frankly, I think you should call off the engagement because you do not have the mental capacity for important decision making.

I do not mean to the point of insanity defense - sure you know the basics about telling right from wrong so you would not murder anybody, but you do not have the mental capacity for more intricate decision making, such as whether to get married.

What do you mean I don't have the mental capacity??

I was reading your line about "I want to stay messed up all the time because real life is too hard to deal with" and drawing my conclusion from that line. As I said, you do have the basic mental capacity, but you are not ready for complex decision making.

Try to start with simpler things. Find a therapist, improve your condition, go step by step... Do not take on too big of a project, such as a wedding.

A lot of people use alcohol and other things to relax and deal... I mean I do it for fun too at times but mostly as a to lessen my stress level. Something happened last night that made me wonder though. I got really drunk last night and my fiancee and I went to his best friends house to smoke we were sitting in my truck and I started passing out and throwing up. My fiancee didn't know what to do so he just sat there. His best friend knew exactly what to do and had to tell him what to do. I wonder if it were just me and my fiancee there if He would have not done anything at all because he didn't know what to do.

If you cannot stop getting really drunk, you need to make sure to reduce the harm potential by eating and drinking lots of non-alcoholic fluids (tea, water...) while you consume alcohol.

I was so stressed last night I downed 3 big drinks and then felt a little sick then smoked 2 blunts and I smoked a couple cigarettes (which is weird for me because I don't smoke cigarettes)