confused about the x-rated self-harm urges...

I'm not quite sure which of these 2 categories this would fall under, but I think I feel more comfortable posting it here...

I have self-harmed my genitals quite badly in the past (leading to multiple hospitalizations). I first did it to get rid of the feeling of being molested, but then it changed to just really liking the feeling and the visual result (trying not to be graphic here, so please bear with me). I did not like the feeling of violation by medical professionals afterwards, but it did equate to feeling "genuinely" cared for (goes along with the specifics of the molestation). It did not feel "good" so much as it felt "right".

Somewhere along the way though, the act itself started to feel good. It became an addiction, and I had a VERY difficult time stopping (I think the only way I was able to stop was by being hospitalized for a good month). It got to the point where doing it with more frequency and severity was the only release. One day I ended up self-harming every 15 minutes or so (the day before I was hospitalized) and nothing made the urge abate...

I know the SI urge is still very linked to stress and anxiety. It is more pronounced when I am in a more negative emotional state, however it also comes around some times purely with the intent of the arousal from it... I have always been very embarrassed and ashamed to talk about this, but I had been forced to with my previous therapist (she did not let me get away without talking about it) and we came up with a way to communicate that had me a little less embarrassed... I have moved since however, and I see a male therapist now. I go through spurts of really NEEDING to talk about some of the specifics to help understand them, but I am WAY too ashamed to be able to talk about it with him... I still don't totally feel comfortable with him, and I know this would be a topic that would send me way off into lala land of triggers... but I know I need to talk about it, and why it still comes up as such a strong and overwhelming urge. It bothers me that I think I am now drawn to it for arousal reasons as well as poor coping... I know that sexual arousal can be a HUGE reinforcer, but I don't like that it was one for this. When I did self-harm there and the addiction became so overwhelming, I put my life in jeopardy many times before I was able to stop... I risk my marriage if I pick it up again, especially if it's not as a coping mechanism. My wife doesn't understand the self-harm, and I don't blame her. But to have to admit to her that it just feels good to do it would be even harder for her to comprehend...

I know I have trouble talking about it with even people I trust, let alone someone random, but I don't feel comfortable addressing it with my male T... I tried reaching out to some self-harm treatment centers and some sexual abuse treatment centers, but they don't see it much, so they don't really know how to respond... I'm at a total loss... and I don't really know how to make heads or tails of the growing urges again. It's easier through a screen, but even then I have a really difficult time... and I don't want to talk about it with just anyone, I would much prefer a professional... I had thought the bdsm route may be favorable, but it lacks the "other person" component... and I would still likely get hospitalized for damage done to myself...

In a round about way, I guess I'm saying I'm scared I'm going to start again and get hooked again, and it's really going to mess things up, but there is no one to talk about it with...

While my situation is nothing like yours, I just wanted to tell you I can relate. That's where I first started SI'ing. and my "go to" spot. Plus, there is the added benefit that it's easy to hide. I'm here if you ever want to talk. <3

While I have never personally SI'd, I've been there for friends who have. Likewise, if I can do anything for you, you need only pm me. I can't promise I cqn have all the answers, but I am more than happy to be an ear to listen if you need me.

Hugs,
Harley

Thank you both... I think I need to figure out what to say. I want to talk, but have no idea exactly what about, or even where to begin...

I saw my therapist today and did not talk about it... but then it made me anxious for not having at least brought up the topic of self-injury, as it is something very prominently floating in my head lately. I had a group afterwards, and I was too distracted at not having talked to him about the si to really be present in the group. They asked me what was wrong, and did not want to let up. I finally asked to be left alone about it because I did not want to talk in specifics in a public forum... I don't really want to talk to my t about it in specifics either, but with where my head was, I was afraid I would spill way more than intended if I tried to talk about it during group... (I am the only female in the group, though the primary facilitator is also a woman)... there was no way I would every show up again if I let this slip during group... I would have likely left early and in a worse place had I talked about it...

I did ask my therapist for another appointment on Friday... I don't think I will be able to talk to him about the specifics, but maybe I can find a way to talk around it again... There's just WAY TOO MUCH shame involved in all of this... but the draw is so huge also.

Does your wife know and if not, how do you hide it while intimate?

There are things that arouse people that most would call bizzare.
Could this be one of those things?

My concern is the injury and hospitalizations you've been through. Sounds very dangerous.

Could you approach your T with telling her your friend does it and it concerns you? Make it less awkward?

Liveforfish,
my wife does know, and is very, very disturbed by it. I have not done it seriously since 2011, but the few times I did it since moving back to my childhood home, we were not intimate, so she did not know. She is hyper-vigilant about it though...
I thought about the bdsm aspect to it, but it's really just something different I think... the risk is too great, and it's a solo thing...
As for approaching my T, he is a male, and I don't think I could talk to him about it. I can barely stand that my old T knows, and she was not openly judgmental to me (I doubt she was judgmental at all, but I don't know for sure... she is only human after all)... I was not the one to tell her though, she got the reports from the hospitalizations... I still can't talk or write about it without dissociating to a degree (even when journaling about it)...
I have a different group tonight... I will approach that T about talking to my individual T about something embarrassing and disturbing, and maybe the best way to go about it... I know I need to address it because I am so close to giving in...

I have never heard about anything like that in a "stand-alone" person, but there have been Christian sects in the past that have made group sexual mutilation part of the initiation protocol, and yes, the descriptions are graphic and horrifying. A friend of mine studied them in her PhD program. They were quite large scale at some point, so, in the historical perspective, you are not alone (I do not know whether the sect members received pleasure from self-harm; quite possible that they did).

You need a professional you can talk to freely - try a sex therapist, AASECT - Member Directory.

Also, you should treat the T as a service provider. You should not feel ashamed. You have no duty to the T other than to pay the agreed upon amount. The T is your car mechanic and you happen to have a really rare, unusual, one of a kind car with a rare, unusual problem. Nothing to be ashamed about, but the T needs to have experience treating your rare problem.

Good luck.

I took a huge risk and emailed my T about this... hoping it helps...

Let us know how it goes. You've taken a huge step forwards- well done

I do not think that genital SI qualifies as suicidal planning, so there is no action that the T can take in response. T can help or can prove useless. I doubt that T can worsen the situation. So in reality there is no risk.

Although there is no objective risk, your disclosure did take a lot of subjective courage, and you should be proud of yourself.

the risk comes from over-coming the shame... and the extent of the history of it... but yeah, it's pretty much all subjective risk, which can be the worst of all...

MdngtRain,

I have also struggled with intense impulses to mutilate myself "down below". The temptation is very strong ~ and I am a planner. Not a "last minute" kind of person. All of my razors have small wires every couple of mm, which kind of blows my plan every time. I'd have to do surgery on the razor, to make it more likely to cause a more serious injury.

Talking with my T about the temptations wasn't particularly helpful for me. He simply encouraged me to notice the dark thoughts & let them go. Kind of like watching a leaf travel down a creek bed. You see it, and you let it go. I'm unsure if he didn't understand the intensity of my idealization or what, I kind of regretted telling him about it though.

I never mentioned my desires to my bf at all though, so kudos to you for telling your gf! That's a big & brave step. Try to distract yourself whenever these temptations pop up in your head. Do something completely unrelated, to get your mind off yourself and your body. I can't think of any specific tips right now, unfortunately, but there are lots of distractions out there...look them up online!

http://self-injury.net/information-r...y/distractions

Very best wishes to you. take care!

shezbut, thanks for the link. I am familiar with that site...
it's good that you can have roadblocks of sorts up.