Does the zing factor HAVE to be there?

I flagged this post because I'm speaking bluntly. Not sure if it would trigger anybody, but I'm taking no chances.

I recently read a magazine interview with a young movie star in which she offered the opinion that sexual attractiveness is an absolute must. She insists that "the spark doesn't grow" and that you don't become more inclined to want sex just because you spend time with the person.

For my part, I cannot disagree strongly enough.

My husband and I are not ugly people, but by Hollywood standards, we are far from "sexy." We're both 50ish, weatherbeaten, and graying. For being the opposite sex, we have similar body types: Long bodies, short legs, all-gut-no-butt, thin legs in proportion to the rest of us. I won't pretend we can't stand to lose some weight, both of us, but we're working on that. However, neither of us will ever be "skinny," due to our natural body composition. Even at our healthiest numbers, we would still be stockier than average.

Do I think he's sexy, with my eyes? No, not really. But then, the typical "Hottiewood hunk" doesn't turn me on either. My eyes prefer women, although I choose not to go down that path in practice, because of my personal convictions. Not here to debate that with anybody. My point is, the "zing" doesn't have to be there visually. I do have a sex life with my husband, even if the fact that he's a man does nothing for me.

It was the same way for my previous husbands. Bluntly, I never did enjoy copulation. Foreplay, yes, but the main event, ho-hum. I always thought it was some service the woman performed for the man, in return for him pleasing her some other way, such as with his hands. Only recently did I figure out that, 1.) there are women who WANT that train going into their tunnel, 2.) these women are in the majority, and I am the exception, and 3.) there is a word for women who feel as I do. Physically, as for the aspects of sex that please me most, a woman could do it as easily as a man. Combine that with the fact that I'd rather look at a woman's body than a man's, and that word is "lesbian," even though I am married to a man and am sexually active with him.

So, is the "zing" factor there? No, obviously not. It wouldn't be there for Brad Pitt either. But I do love my husband, and I want to be married to him. Do I enjoy sex with him? Same as any other man; only the parts that don't involve his penis. That I do for his benefit, not mine. But he knows how to please me and is willing to do that, so yes, I do enjoy it.

My husband promised, when we first fell in love, that the second half of my life would make up for the first. He has done more for me than any other individual on earth and has been crucial in healing from my past. With him, I'm happier than I ever was before, because other factors more than cancel out the low "zing" factor. He is the most beautiful thing on earth to me, because I'm looking with more than my eyes, and loving him with more than my vagina. The actress thinks physical attraction is the engine that runs the car. I think it's more like the radio or the CD player. Nice to have, and enjoyable, but the car works perfectly well without it. Do you agree or disagree?

Since you're being blunt, I'll take the same route. It's so much easier than dancing around words, anyway. I'm 19, and while I've only had sex with one person (a high school fling that I regret to this day), I couldn't help but notice that I enjoyed foreplay much more than actual intercourse. Perhaps part of the reason is that I'm still inexperienced, and my stamina is just not there. Yes, climaxing is a great feeling (endorphins and all) but what brings me the most pleasure is seeing that I'm pleasing the woman I'm with.

Like with anything else in life, appearance doesn't mean everything. That young Hollywood actress can be as shallow as she wants, but a good relationship is far more than skin deep: Do you make each other happy? Are you both willing to listen to and trust each other?

As far as my own preferences, I don't like women with too much makeup. To me, they come across as fake, as though they're trying to hide who they really are behind a mask. The only exception I've run across is my most recent ex, who simply enjoys putting on makeup. She's a artist, and she sees her face as yet another canvas to draw on. Her look also reflected her mood very well; on bad days her makeup was heavier and darker, and when she was feeling really good she would put on some very creative colors and designs. It all goes back to personality for me.

LoveBird, I salute you and your openness. My experiences as far as enjoying men's penises is vastly different (I do enjoy them very much, for purely metaphoric reasons though, and not because I get pleasure from PIV - penis in vagina), but I do. But I do agree with your MAIN point.

So, the Hollywood actress demonstrates that she is very dumb. that is all that I can say. Since she is young, it may be the case that she will become less dumb over the years. Or, she might remain as dumb as she is now. We will see.

Hi Lovebird,

Thanks for being so open. Hope you don't mind if I do the same. First of all, I agree with your main point, the actress in the article is very misguided and naive. Looks fade as we age, maybe not for Brad Pitt (although he doesn't do anything for me either), but when you have an emotional bond and loving friendship with another human being that IS the spark. Sure you have to work at it over the years, but you can't sustain a relationship (or even great sex, after the first few dozen or so times) on pretty packaging alone.

Secondly, you should (we all should) be having great sex, and if that doesn't happen with your husband (or w/ any man) then you should try to do something about it! Since you mentioned your attraction to women, is there any way to bring that aspect into your relationship with your husband in order to spice things up a bit? Whether it be a "hall pass" or something else, you should open yourself up to idea. I've heard plenty of people do! (I would use my "hall pass" on Mary Louise Parker).

Thanks for your understanding. My beliefs don't go that direction, so I choose not to allow myself that privilege. I understand the logic, but great sex is not a priority for me. I won't say more than that, because I don't want to impose my beliefs on others.

I'm extremely attracted to my partner and him to me. I adore him completely and love to kiss and cuddle him and be with and laugh with him and have intellectual conversations. But we don't really have sex. Not that we haven't we used to a lot. We just have so much more going on now that it's really taken a backseat and neither of think that's a problem. I don't agree that that sexual attraction "I have to have you now" thing, has absolutely anything to do with a relationship.