[Brina2013]

So I recently talked to my friend about an issue I am having and she said from the sounds of it I need professional help. This is the situation. My whole life I've had emotional problems from being emotionally abused by well most of the men in my life. A few years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship so I sought comfort sexually in other men. I met a man, a friend with benefits, who was very dominate and would smack me around, pull my hair, etc to the point I had a black eye and a busted lip. Which for me was an epiphany. I liked on second thought loved to be treated this way during sex. It took all the emotional pain away for a while, it was a release. Then over the next few years the man I was with at the time never fulfilled that for me. I am in a relationship now with a wonderful man who is dominate and will do things sexually if we discuss them and are both interested in. The issue for me is that being abused during sex is addicting for me because it does take away that emotional pain so that is how I want it all the time. I mean I enjoy just regular sex but not like the sex when I am abused. I don't get that fulfillment through regular sex that I get when I'm abused. I've given it serious thought and really wonder if it could turn into a problem.

[ringtailcat]

What you are describing doesn't sound like a typical D/so relationship more like an abusive relationship IMO. IF both of you had discussed this & agreed to parameters before, then that might be a different thing. If you would like to talk more, feel free to PM me.

[Harley47]

Well, BDSM isn't an area I'm extremely familiar with, but your post raises a few flags to me. I think your reasoning for wanting a BDSM relationship isn't healthy, which is to me the key issue here. You're using it as an outlet for what, to me, sounds like repressed emotional pain. I think it'd be more beneficial for you to seek a healthier outlet to work through that pain. Have you ever spoken to a therapist?

Mind you, I don't think there's inherently anything wrong with you having a BDSM relationship. I don't think it's necessary you give that up. I just think your attraction to it is for the wrong reasons, though I would welcome someone more versed in the BDSM lifestyle to correct that for me if necessary.

That said, and I know you mentioned that it was in the past and that I am wading into the parts of the lifestyle that I'm not familiar with, be mindful of your limits. I know play in the bedroom varies from partner to partner, but I'm concerned black eyes and busted lips might very well be pushing it. Just had to voice a concern there, and again, I welcome correction.

I hope things pick up for you soon. Know you're in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending hugs your way.

Hugs,
Harley

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Brina2013

to the point I had a black eye and a busted lip. Which for me was an epiphany. I liked on second thought loved to be treated this way during sex.

Unless you and the man who did that live on an island, surrounded by nature only, you will have problems from taking things that far. If you come to school or work with a black eye and a busted lip, you will raise suspicions, and if you keep doing that, you will ...

... basically, social functioning will be impaired if you keep doing that, and at some point somebody will sound an alarm of "domestic abuse"...

...also, think of how you will be "received" socially/in academic or occupational settings...

...will you win any interviews with that? No, you won't - I can tell you for sure. I once lost an interview for a job for which I was uniquely qualified and the only good reason I could see for losing it (especially given that I've usually won rather than lost interviews over the course of my life) was the horrible hand tremor I had while on Depakote (a medication for epilepsy/bipolar/migraine prevention). I had more tremor than my elderly grandmother had past her stroke - so it was clearly visible. Do people want to hire a candidate with such tremor? No, they don't. They may think that the tremor is from extreme alcoholism, if they are not too insightful. If they are insightful, they would realize that it was not from alcoholism since there was nothing else in my appearance, demeanor, voice, etc. to suggest extreme alcoholism, so they would conclude that it must have been from something else, but still not want to deal with whatever "something else" is!

In your case, people won't want to deal with you, either. They might want to help you get out of domestic abuse, or, they might want to stay clear of you altogether, but nobody would want to give you high impact job assignments while you show up with a black eye and a busted lip. Nobody would put you in client contact - that is for sure.

So this road towards the relief of emotional pain is very "costly" in terms of the need to give up all opportunities for academic/occupational advancement.

Harley's suggestion to, alternatively, seek therapy for emotional pain would not cause this kind of a social "reception" - therapy sessions are private and you do not need to tell anybody about them unless you want to (or, possibly, just tell your manager if you need to arrange for a weekly time out of the office for therapy, and, in that case, the manager would keep this information confidential).

[Brina2013]

Hi I just wanted to clarify something which is my fault I worded it wrong. The man I am with now isn't the one who did the black eye, etc, that one was a few years back. I've been in therapy on and off since I was 14 years old and it has yet to help me. And I've seen several different therapists. The man I am engaged to now isn't abusive towards me. The only time like I said is in the bedroom when I want it. It actually bothers him b/c he doesn't want to hurt me. I have tried the therapy, medications, self help books, you name it I've tried it. I will be fine and then something triggers past emotional pain. The more emotional pain I am in the more I like to be hurt physically during sex. I would describe it like situations where people cut themselves to relieve the emotional pain except I use bdsm. Yes at the point in time I ended up with the black eye and busted lip I sought out a very dominate man for that exact reason. I have issues stemming from childhood when it comes to men. My father basically abandoned me and my sister til I was old enough to babysit his new kids and I grew up with a very verbally and emotionally abusive grandfather then at 17 I was raped by a male friend. So pretty much every man in my life has hurt me in one way or another all leaving me feeling sad, depressed, worthless, etc. When it comes to everything else in my life I am the dominate one I take control over every aspect of my life except in the bedroom. My fiance is a great man very caring and understanding. He's been my best friend for 7 years until we decided to take it further. I am just afraid that my borderline obsession with wanting to escape the emotional pain through physical pain during sex is going to be to much for him. I realize that the things I feel I need aren't by any means normal but they make me feel free if that makes sense. Until I got into the relationship with my fiance I was utterly miserable. I had put on 200 pounds, I started drinking all the time, I was taking Vicodin and Percocets like candy, and I didn't get out of bed. This was all last summer. Then one night I was sitting writing a suicide note (which I'd never even considered suicide before) and it dawned on me, I didn't want to die. I had too much to live for so I got rid of the pills, stopped drinking, in the last year I've lost over 200 pounds, started working, and decided I deserved to have a better life than what I did. I threw my kids father out b/c he did nothing but sit around and drink ridicule me mentally abuse me and I was done. For the most part I'm happy but the past emotional hurt creeps up on me and I need that sexual outlet from the emotional pain. IDK I'm sorry I'm rambling on. I have been seriously considering going to counseling b/c I think eventually it may become an issue and destroy everything I've worked so hard to overcome.

[Brina2013]

Originally Posted by ringtailcat

What you are describing doesn't sound like a typical D/so relationship more like an abusive relationship IMO. IF both of you had discussed this & agreed to parameters before, then that might be a different thing. If you would like to talk more, feel free to PM me.

The relationship I was in that I got the black eye in was a few years back. The one I am in now isn't abusive. We just engage in bdsm and we do have boundaries. I just have a tendency to try and go beyond those boundaries to get more physical pain but my fiance won't do it b/c he's afraid of hurting me. It's just like I need that release from the emotional pain. It gives me a sense of freedom being abused. That right away triggered something in me that there was something wrong with feeling that way. That is why I posted here b/c I was curious to see if there was anyone else who has ever dealt with something like this ya know. I just want to understand why I feel this way so I can change it if it is going to destroy my happiness.

[twoper]

I'm experienced with BDSM and think that when used properly, it can be an excellent way of relieving stress. I'm more into traditional stuff such as flogging, whipping, restraints, etc. and have never given or gotten any punches or slaps around the face. If that's your thing and it doesn't affect your life negatively, then cool. If you'd like ways of experiencing pain and being pushed to your limits without marks on your face, though, you might want to look into receiving pain on the rest of your body. There's a ton of resources online and you can check out your local scene, if you live in a bigger town. PM me if you would like some specific resources, I'm not sure how much I can post here.

Kink isn't a substitute for therapy or even things like meditation, yoga, or breath work - it's a healthy release, but it won't solve your problems. If you're worried about getting "too" into it, that's probably a sign that you need to supplement with other ways of working on your issues.

Boundaries and mutual respect and trust are REALLY important, I can't stress that enough. I can't tell from your story whether the friend you initially played with had a discussion with you about trying these things where you mutually agreed to do them. That talk is very important to have, though - not just once, but often. Either of you is always in their rights to step back and say "Ok, we need to change X."

Good luck - this type of thing can be very fulfilling, though again, it's not a substitute for really working through issues.

[Brina2013]

Originally Posted by twoper

I'm experienced with BDSM and think that when used properly, it can be an excellent way of relieving stress. I'm more into traditional stuff such as flogging, whipping, restraints, etc. and have never given or gotten any punches or slaps around the face. If that's your thing and it doesn't affect your life negatively, then cool. If you'd like ways of experiencing pain and being pushed to your limits without marks on your face, though, you might want to look into receiving pain on the rest of your body. There's a ton of resources online and you can check out your local scene, if you live in a bigger town. PM me if you would like some specific resources, I'm not sure how much I can post here.

Kink isn't a substitute for therapy or even things like meditation, yoga, or breath work - it's a healthy release, but it won't solve your problems. If you're worried about getting "too" into it, that's probably a sign that you need to supplement with other ways of working on your issues.

Boundaries and mutual respect and trust are REALLY important, I can't stress that enough. I can't tell from your story whether the friend you initially played with had a discussion with you about trying these things where you mutually agreed to do them. That talk is very important to have, though - not just once, but often. Either of you is always in their rights to step back and say "Ok, we need to change X."

Good luck - this type of thing can be very fulfilling, though again, it's not a substitute for really working through issues.

My fiance is into bdsm but like you said the more traditional kind. I am the one who initiated the more violent side of it. He doesn't punch me or anything like that in the face but I have him smack me in the face but not to the point there is bruising blacked eyes or blood. We talk about everything and have boundaries. He is the first man besides the one that busted my lip that will go to these remote dark places with me but he only goes so far b/c of fear of hurting me. We actually have a wonderful relationship, always have even when we were just friends. He is probably the most stable and normal person I've ever had a relationship with. I just feel like me wanting these things that way go a lot deeper than I even know. It feels right at the time but afterwards I catch myself thinking there's something wrong with it. IDK I'm hoping to figure it out on my own instead of dealing with going back to therapy they just seem to want to medicate me.