Hello again,

As some of you are aware, my partner and I broke up about a month or so ago.

She told me she is tired of being in a parent child relationship. I was the child in that relationship because I had no job or any of my own friends. I even lost my car at some point lol.

Anyway, we broke up a few times during that relationship only to get back together, and sure enough, we are sort of together again because we are having regular intercourse, and that started a few weeks ago during a chance meeting.

Anyway, while i am allowed to 'date' her, she has made it clear that we are not emotionally intimate anymore, and that this is not a relationship. We're barely even friends anymore, because we don't socialise much, but we do like each other in a general sense. If it were up to me anyway we would still be together. She doesn't feel the same way, obviously.

While we were together in a proper relationship she would hold me during before or after sex and I would nuzzle at her breast. I used to call it suckling, but that is kind of a misnomer.

However in our new 'relationship' .. . . i have not been able to suckle successfully.

There just doesn't seem to be an opportune moment for it. The reason for that is that we are not emotionally intimate, and therefore there doesn't seem to be an opening where I can sort of lower myself in the bed, cuddle up to her and rest my head against her breast, which I find comforting.

I am at the point where I have to make a decision.

1. I want to ask her, but i worry that this would be awkward and that she will be turned off by my asking her for things rather than just being in the moment

2. I will attempt to suckle and hope she goes with it.

What would be your suggest method of attack here?

Regards,

IT.

You mentioned she told you that what you guys have is not an emotional relationship anymore, but rather a friends with benefits situation. If that is how she feels then I would think the suckling thing is out of line. I would definitely ask her first if it crosses a line for her.

[Phreak]

I understand the whole wanting to just snuggle up to her and feel safe and comforted, I do REALLY understand it.

Personally I'd just find an opportunity to just do it and then handle the reprocussions.

I still think that you should cut her free. You're worth more than she's prepared to give you.

Take the risk and set her free...

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Phreak

I still think that you should cut her free. You're worth more than she's prepared to give you.

Take the risk and set her free...

I totally agree.

Basically, she unilaterally downgraded your relationship status from "a r/s" to "no r/s" (whatever "no r/s" means in her mind is a mystery to me, but the downgrading action was obvious).

Why do you want people who downgrade you?

[unaluna]

Umm - why isnt this part of foreplay? I think she wouldnt complain about it then. Darn, I guess they HAVE changed sex since the last time I did it!

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by hankster

Umm - why isnt this part of foreplay? I think she wouldnt complain about it then. Darn, I guess they HAVE changed sex since the last time I did it!

I'm not sure how sexual this desire is, but I doubt it fully is. Only I.T. Knows how sexual it is for him personally.

I attempted it about two days ago and she didn't react. At all.

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

I attempted it about two days ago and she didn't react. At all.

Any point me pointing out that she's using you for sex. You can do better. You do not need her!

[UnderTheRose]

She didn't react at all... does this mean that she just lay there and allowed you to?

Originally Posted by UnderTheRose

She didn't react at all... does this mean that she just lay there and allowed you to?

Normally she reacts, and puts a hand on me, talks to me, etc. I took her non-reaction as a rejection of sorts.

Originally Posted by Phreak

Any point me pointing out that she's using you for sex. You can do better. You do not need her!

I think we're probably using each other? Except my ideal situation would be for us to be in a relationship again.

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Normally she reacts, and puts a hand on me, talks to me, etc. I took her non-reaction as a rejection of sorts.


I think we're probably using each other? Except my ideal situation would be for us to be in a relationship again.

She's getting exactly what she wants and you're ending up dissatisfied. While she's still around you're stuck emotionally longing for her to change her mind.

Make the hard decision that needs making mate.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Phreak

She's getting exactly what she wants and you're ending up dissatisfied. While she's still around you're stuck emotionally longing for her to change her mind.

Make the hard decision that needs making mate.

I agree with Phreak looking at it from the standpoint of vanilla relationships.

Maybe there is some non-vanilla aspect of it that I am unable to grasp - say, you sometimes want to be dominated, so maybe submitting yourself to being rejected by her gives you the pleasure of being humiliated and slighted, which is akin to being dominated ??? perhaps, not sure since I do not understand the dynamics of such relationships at all.

But looking at it in a straightforwardly vanilla way, Phreak is right and you need to break up.

[Phreak]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I agree with Phreak looking at it from the standpoint of vanilla relationships.

Maybe there is some non-vanilla aspect of it that I am unable to grasp - say, you sometimes want to be dominated, so maybe submitting yourself to being rejected by her gives you the pleasure of being humiliated and slighted, which is akin to being dominated ??? perhaps, not sure since I do not understand the dynamics of such relationships at all.

But looking at it in a straightforwardly vanilla way, Phreak is right and you need to break up.

Personally I was more reading it as after sex desiring to be held protectively, in effectively a quasi-maternal role.

Why not just use her for sex? Maybe by withdrawing emotionally yourself you may get her back. If not, you still get sex out of it.

If you break up with her completely, where else are you going to get sex?

[Phreak]

There's more to life than sex... like a mentally fulfilling relationship that brings happiness to all areas with somebody who truly does complete you?

You shouldn't need someone else to complete you.

He could use her for sex until he finds someone else. She's doing it to him so nobody will get hurt.

[Phreak]

We're just citing our opinions. I just think it's probably not good for him. Ultimately it's his life

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Phreak

We're just citing our opinions. I just think it's probably not good for him.

Actually, Lycan also thinks that it is probably not good for IT, since Lycan wrote about IT's looking for somebody else. You are in agreement on the major issue. It is just that you recommend that IT drop her and look for someone else (I am of the same opinion as you are), while Lycan recommends that IT continue with her without emotional involvement, while looking for someone else.

The difference is minor since everybody agrees that there is somebody else out there who is better for IT. How exactly he gets to that new woman - via being single and looking or via having mechanical sex with the current woman and looking - is not terribly important.

Correct me If I'm wrong but this was IT first GF. The reason I think he should still have sex with her is because he isn't someone who finds getting women easy to come by. He could be waiting a while to get into another realationship and being a man myself, we have needs and he may as well have those needs used on the this women while he still can.

Yes I recommend he uses her for sex and he shouldn't feel bad because she's doing the same thing to him. It's not like he's leading her on, if anything she's the one doing that.

In the meantime he can look for someone else. She's probably doing that herself.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

Correct me If I'm wrong but this was IT first GF. The reason I think he should still have sex with her is because he isn't someone who finds getting women easy to come by. He could be waiting a while to get into another realationship and being a man myself, we have needs and he may as well have those needs used on the this women while he still can.

Yes I recommend he uses her for sex and he shouldn't feel bad because she's doing the same thing to him. It's not like he's leading her on, if anything she's the one doing that.

In the meantime he can look for someone else. She's probably doing that herself.

I see - so you are saying that the record shows some difficulty finding partners, so you are recommending that that difficulty be taken into account when IT makes decisions.

That makes sense. I did not know she was the first one.

I disagree though with "he may as well have those needs" met (? - you meant "met", right?). He is not getting the needs met. He has a strong stated need for suckling, and, not just suckling on a piece of wood log that does not react to being suckled (wood logs are in general not terribly responsive), but suckling on a warm live woman who reacts to that in some sort of a positive fashion. So that need is not being met.

There might be other needs that are being met, though. So on balance, it might still make sense to keep the status quo.

IT - how about the kind grocer? Where is she?

Yes she was my first, and she was a good one.

I am 34, so it's slim pickings for me.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

Yes she was my first, and she was a good one.

I am 34, so it's slim pickings for me.

Then break up with her NOW, if she was a good one - this way you will remember her being good.

I "overslept" with both ex H's. Should have broken up earlier for the sake of good memories. As it becomes less intense, sex-life-wise, it gets worse and becomes mechanical, which is very boring and not worth your time. It is better for your sake to break up while it is still intense and has not become mechanical (it is ALREADY becoming mechanical since you report her not reacting to the kind of suckling she used to react to), because you will then retain good memories for life. A few more sex acts now, of worsening quality, are not worth remembering it at its worst and not at its best.

This is not something you can realize by yourself because she is your first one so you do not have experience.

He's already said that was his first women at 34. He could be waiting years or maybe not get another women to have sex with again, unless he wants to pay for it. So unless he's totally happy with being celibate, he should get as much sex from this woman as possible. If he finds someone else then obviously he ends it sexually. It could be that she decides to end it sexually but for the time being he may as well enjoy the sex.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

He's already said that was his first women at 34. He could be waiting years or maybe not get another women to have sex with again, unless he wants to pay for it. So unless he's totally happy with being celibate, he should get as much sex from this woman as possible. If he finds someone else then obviously he ends it sexually. It could be that she decides to end it sexually but for the time being he may as well enjoy the sex.

In this situation it is better to pay for sex with a prostitute while keeping better memories of his first girlfriend. It is not about celibacy but about the memories IT will retain and the fantasy life IT will have for the rest of his days.

Also, you said that IT might as well enjoy the sex. IT is not enjoying. The point is that he is not enjoying. He posted about the inability to suckle because suckling is for some reason (I do not understand the reason, but it does not matter what the reason is) important to him, and, not getting it right, he is not enjoying sex. Had he been enjoying sex, he would have been having sex and not posting about the inability to suckle.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

If he finds someone else then obviously he ends it sexually. It could be that she decides to end it sexually

PS

realistically, she is more likely to find somebody new sooner or later than Illegal Toilet is. So she is more likely to be the one to call it quits, sexually.

If she decides to end it sexually, then Illegal Toilet, on top of the sad fact that he is 34 and yet has only had one gf, and, on top of the sad fact that the first and so far only gf ended the relationship (whatever she meant by the word "relationship") on her initiative and against his wishes (IT wrote that she was a good one so he himself did not want to end it), will feel the pain of ultimate rejection. It would be the second rejection in a row - first she rejected him by opting out of having a relationship with him (and, stopping to react to being suckled on), and then, and finally, she would reject him sexually by opting out of having any kind of sex with him, however mechanical.

I am not sure he is really up to the challenge of suffering from the ultimate rejection at this point (sorry for analyzing, IT, but you come across as being pretty sensitive, and that need to suckle in a non-sexual way that you report, given that it free-associates with your being a baby, underscores that you are coming across as pretty sensitive; that you are not financially independent is another thing that free-associates with your being a child who depends on parents, which, again, makes you more sensitive than an average male in your age group).

So my recommendation, to avoid hurt feelings, is to engage a prostitute, masturbate, or do whatever it takes to stop seeing this particular woman, thereby heading off doom.