:(

Hi very short thing I need to say? I am very isolated alone with little human contact. I prefer being this way, because it's safe, I cannot balance between being happy and being social. I am beyond alone I lived most of my whole life with very little interaction. I lived my whole life alone and forget that I even exist. I make up perfect friends, because real friends haven't existed. I mean perfect that they accept you and your faults and actually putting effort in being a friend. I am a social butterfly and don't care being around so many people, but I end up being more alone no matter where I am at. Girls are the worst at this, because no matter how of an adult I can be girls will just be girls not women. Since, making other people feel ****** bout themselves is satisfying enough to them. Seriously this does look like I am blaming girls on my problems. I can and can't they put me in the confinement I am in physically, but mentally I am responsible for that and barely trying to keep myself sane after months of no true feelings of intimacy with a girl I am stuck here alone on a computer blabbering on bout my problems of something I always hope for and will never show up no matter. If I go to parties get drunk, meet with friends, or even have me being hooked up. So what I do is kill my self esteem to watch porn to make me feel how pathetic I am. Yes it has distorted my view on life since I was a little kid watching it 4 years after getting raped as a toddler by a 12 year old boy. I just want to forget who I am die. My efforts are always in vain, so if a girl actually is trying to make me feel happy for very shallow reasons I don't give any girl that satisfaction. I am happy when they have only done that, because they feel sorry for me or want me be happy and not know till it's too late I am not good enough. I mean I have looks, friends, my music career is going good, I just want to have companionship not in a sexual way like my previous relationships, but a true friend. When every time I work at it, I get reminded that are no such things as friends where I live. Yeah I could be popular online and make millions of followers or be rich and famous. What does that get me? the same stuff as I had always ****** people and friends. Basically all I do is hope that I die tomorrow, because begging to die with someone than alone. Is more like dying alone than anything else. Yes I know I posted on sexuality issues, you know the more I read on myself people books on people and social interactions the more. I feel I will die alone, because what I truly need will never show up and what I want at the moment to have **** buddy will always be available for a good fix.

I'm sorry

I am sorry you are in this frame of mind at the moment. I just want to let you know I hear you. I understand what you are saying, and I can sympathize with you. There is not much I can do to help, no real advice I have to offer. Just know you are not alone, and that your concerns have been heard. They have not fallen on deaf ears.

Keep posting and hopefully others will continue to hear you and encourage you.