[lamby]

um, hi, um... i remembered something i did when i was eleven-years-old and now i am so upset with myself and i think i am the worst person and i can't bear it... and i was hoping maybe if i just told somebody at least it would be the first step in making things right, even if that's impossible, i should at least try...

i get aroused horribly easy and it is a constant source of shame and guilt and repulsion for me, especially since i am not interested in sexual activity whatsoever... i just try my best to push away or ignore the physical feelings without masturbating, because it makes me feel guilty (i.e. getting aroused when surrounded by family members, if i leave the room and masturbate is that being bad to them... so i try to just get rid of all the bad feelings of arousal by ignoring them)... but when i was eleven i masturbated very frequently, i'm sorry for tmi... i'm sorry... but i would even do it in inappropriate situations (i.e. three or four times in public or when somebody else was in the room, i do not use my hands etc. so i don't think anybody noticed but still...)... and once when my family's dog was licking my feet i masturbated to the point of orgasm because the sensation of it was arousing.

i keep running over and over and over it in my head and wondering what in the world is wrong with me, it is sending my ocd into a frenzy trying to remember all of the bad things in the world i have done and trying to remember exact details to somehow hope it was not as bad as i have thought, i am terrified of doing something like that again even though i wouldn't never ever ever i cannot even bear to be touched because i am so afraid of arousal...i am constantly terrified of being close to other people worrying that there is something so deep and dark and bad inside of me, that i am so bad, that i shouldn't exist...

this brings me so much guilt and shame and horror and self-disgust... that other being did not know or consent to me masturbating from what to them was a completely innocent act and i hate myself sososo much. i'm sorry... and i'm sorry if you read this... is there anything in the whole world i can possibly do to help repent, i know i will never be able to but is there anything i can at least try... oh...

[Sky200094]

U should keep ignoring those urges. Your OCD is causing you to worry even more, you just need to be confident in yourself that atleast your trying to control the urges, as long as u try your absolute best not to masturbate then maybe the anxiety will go down a bit. Your urges are going to happen just please keep on trying ur best 2 control it. your OCD is making it worse because your obsessing over it.
Good luck, I hope u can get this under control.

[gayleggg]

I hope telling your story has let you release some of your guilt. I am glad you
Are trying to quit some of your activities. Because it causes you such pain. I might recommend getting you go to counseling. You haven't hurt anyone so only yourself.

[Big Mama]

I applaud you for recognising there is an issue. You are not a bad person, you are wanting to curb this behavior. Do you take any medications for the OCD. Some of the medications can lower sex drive. That is not why one usually takes them and it is often an unwanted side affect. But in your case it may be a welcome side affect. Do you have a T (Therapist)? I think that would help with the guilt and may give you new outlets and better ways to cope with this.

I to hope that sharing has helped. I noticed this is your first thread, I just want to say welcome and I hope you find the support you are looking for here.

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

so far people have taken it as you did all this masturbating in inappropriate settings now, but I thought you were meaning when you were 11 and now you are much older? If that's the case. ease yourself with the knowledge that you were extremely young and didn't know anything better. If you are doing it now, I would suggest you disappear without being noticed. IMO it is better to do that in private when needed than in public even if not noticed. I don't think there is that much shame in it. Yes, nobody wants to think of themselves as one constant mastibator, but I also understand that it's extremely uncomfortable and can even border painful. I would not focus on it at all. I would give it as much attention as needing to go to the bathroom. The more you stress and obsess over it, the more you will have urges to do what you don't want to do. As far as the dog....that's ok. You certainly don't have to do it again. And at least you're not the guy who'd go over to his neighbors farm to do the sheep out in the open

[felixstratton]

Masturbating when you were 11 years old is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it's nothing to be ashamed of at any age. Neither is having strong sexual desire. As long as you are satisfying yourself privately, I don't get all the guilt you are experiencing. Let yourself off the hook. It's perfectly okay to be a sexual being.