How do I communicate to my partner that I don't want to have sexual intercourse with her without telling her that I am too depressed to do so? I don't want to talk about my depression or for her to think it's a big deal. Just want to ride it out and then I will resume normal activities.

It seems to be a problem every time. Somehow she makes it all about her.

[vans1974]

I understand completely! It's a tough one, because most women take it so personally! Idk, even being honest and open about being depressed doesn't help much! If only us guys didn't have to get aroused to have sex and if we could fake it too, it would be nice! Best of luck!

I don't see why honesty is really so bad...if you make up some excuse and then finds out you're lying i'm not sure how happy she'd be then. At least telling the truth shows you trust her.

If you can still be affectionate and close to her without that level of intimacy i'm sure it would help things. Any girlfriend worth their salt would want to support you as best they could.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

It seems to be a problem every time. Somehow she makes it all about her.

If you figure this one out, let me know. Nothing worse than being depressed and then having to console a crying partner because they make it about them.

And sorry, but the truth doesn't work either because they turn it on themselves, "You just don't think I'm attractive anymore!"



Good luck!

[ocdwifeofsociopath]

you can't deny that you'd be upset if your partner who'd recently been into it seemingly all of a sudden didn't want to anymore. It goes for both sexes. Have you tried being intimate despite your lack of desire? It may be easier to do that than to deal with the alternative and you may find it helps lift your spirit.

[Big Mama]

I don't take it personally if my H says " ya know I'm just not in the mood, I feel kinda down."

Have you tried saying "Do you ever feel like not having sex when you are depressed, I kinda feel like that right now." That way she has to think and relate, then she might could understand a little more.

But timing is everything. Start the evening off that way. Don't let the sexual tension build then flip out and say leave me alone, she will take it personal. Or don't say I just don't want to. She needs to know that in advance it is not going to happen then it is not an expectation.

Originally Posted by ocdwifeofsociopath

you can't deny that you'd be upset if your partner who'd recently been into it seemingly all of a sudden didn't want to anymore. It goes for both sexes. Have you tried being intimate despite your lack of desire? It may be easier to do that than to deal with the alternative and you may find it helps lift your spirit.

I don't think I'd take it personally, I'd just assume that she wasn't in the mood or was having lady problems In other words I would totally assume it was her issue . . .

Originally Posted by Big Mama

But timing is everything. Start the evening off that way. Don't let the sexual tension build then flip out and say leave me alone, she will take it personal. .

This is good advice, I will try this.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

How do I communicate to my partner that I don't want to have sexual intercourse with her without telling her that I am too depressed to do so? I don't want to talk about my depression or for her to think it's a big deal. Just want to ride it out and then I will resume normal activities.

It seems to be a problem every time. Somehow she makes it all about her.

I don't think there's a way that you don't tell her. Mention how you're feeling, and maybe let her know that there are other ways that you want to show intimacy. Tell her that sex isn't something you want, but you can cuddle, or kiss, or hold hands... just another way to show love and care for her.

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[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by vans1974

I understand completely! It's a tough one, because most women take it so personally! Idk, even being honest and open about being depressed doesn't help much! If only us guys didn't have to get aroused to have sex and if we could fake it too, it would be nice! Best of luck!

This is silly. Fake it? *facepalm* oh well.

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[danvb]

But Toilet, your depression IS a big deal. OBVIOUSLY it's a big if it affects someone other than yourself!

I don't know. I DO know that everybody is different and has different reactions, but, if YOUR partner didn't feel like having sex with YOU because she was feeling really down and depressed, wouldn't YOU want to know that? I think most people would. I know that I'd HATE having sex with my wife if she wasn't a 100% actively willing participant. I might have to grit my teeth and take a cold shower, but I'd still want to know.

Do you really think your partner would be upset with you for letting her know how depressed you were feeling... and that you just wanted to hold her and be held for a while?

As I said, everybody is different, but in the past when I was in the pit of despair and my wife was feeling frisky, I'd tell her (which I rarely ever had to do) how depressed I was... and then I'd ask her if she was up for a challenge. The challenge was that I wasn't feeling terribly amorous at the time... but she was certainly welcome to try to get me ready to tear her clothes off again...

I have to tell you, she always welcomed the challenge... and it never failed to work... at least, for me.

Dan

[Truth in Ruin]

If you tell her you're just not in the mood, she may be thinking of other reasons why you you don't want to have sex with her. So telling her you are depressed, to me, is the best thing you can do.

I don't feel like I can discuss it. Earlier in the year when she found out I was in therapy she became very affectionate and nice towards me, but she doesn't know I have depression. It's not something I feel that i can use as an excuse.

[Little Miss Death]

[danvb]

Originally Posted by Illegal Toilet

I don't feel like I can discuss it... she doesn't know I have depression. It's not something I feel that i can use as an excuse.

Having depression is not an excuse. It's simply a reality that you can neither deny nor escape.

Perhaps your not wanting to mention it is because of the stereotype that depression is a weakness and is unmanly... and you are neither weak nor unmanly and you don't want her to think that you are...?

Can you say why you have a hard time telling her about it?

Originally Posted by danvb

Can you say why you have a hard time telling her about it?

Not sure why. I have some experience of people not believing in mental illness and not accepting my confessions of mental illness so I think that may be it.

[danvb]

Ah! I understand. Thanks for clarifying that for me.

That's got to be rough... to be drepressed and to tell someone about it, only to have them call BS... Whoa... Not cool.

I don't know how YOU reacted to that, but it sure would put ME into a major nose-dive.

Anyway...

Well, I wish you the best. I hope things work out for you the way you'd like .

Dan