[MistressStayc]

if you are into a Dom/sub relationship you must have been abused some way in your past and that this is the only way you can get off because of it. If I tell people I am a submissive I immediately get the question were you ever abused. It's ********. You can have had a relatively normal upbringing with no abuse but still enjoy a little violence with your sex and giving up control. No it's not the only way I can get off either. I can most definitely make passionate love with my man and it doesn't have to involve any S&M. I can feel love deeply without pain just sometimes I choose to include pain and degradation. I seriously dislike the stereotype and stigma that goes along with the way I choose to express myself sexually.

[Donna_N]

I agree that many people feel that if you don't have "normal" sexual desires it must be due to abuse or some other issue.

I think my past abuse has influenced my thoughts and desires regarding sex, but I am sure that even without the abuse I would still have a strong desire to be submissive and humiliated

[RichardBrooks]

Yeah, there's a ton of misunderstandings about BDSM. I get the other side of it. Because I'm a Dom I'm supposed to be a psychopath, or a violent person, or I should also have a dominant personality outside the relationship. What people don't see or understand is the level of trust and communication that goes into it, the deep focus and attentiveness it takes to know how far to push a soft limit, and the tenderness it takes to tie someone to a post and know that the restraints will hold them but not cut off circulation for the duration of the scene.

Kink is not abuse. It's not torture. Vanillas will never get it, so **** 'em.

[MistressStayc]

Originally Posted by RichardBrooks

Yeah, there's a ton of misunderstandings about BDSM. I get the other side of it. Because I'm a Dom I'm supposed to be a psychopath, or a violent person, or I should also have a dominant personality outside the relationship. What people don't see or understand is the level of trust and communication that goes into it, the deep focus and attentiveness it takes to know how far to push a soft limit, and the tenderness it takes to tie someone to a post and know that the restraints will hold them but not cut off circulation for the duration of the scene.

Kink is not abuse. It's not torture. Vanillas will never get it, so **** 'em.

Exactly! I never looked at it from the stigmas on the Dom side. My man and I have amazing trust and such honest communication. Also, he can be the most tender person ever. Soooo romantic but also strong and powerful when I need it. I've never been loved more deeply....sharing a fetish is a very deep personal bond between two people and I just really dislike how it is twisted and looked down upon by "vanillas". But there will always be those who judge. your right. **** 'em

i just had to vent the other day because once again had told somebody i was a submissive and got the abuse ?

[Webgoji]

Maybe a better choice of words would be instead of ^%$# the vanillas, something like ^%$# the people that judge me. Labeling someone a vanilla is no different than what happened to you.

When someone doesn't understand something, it's a great opportunity to explain it to them to open their eyes. By everyone putting up walls it just breeds more judgement and polarization.

[Harley47]

Well, I do agree with Webgoji there. I myself am pretty thoroughly vanilla, but I do understand the mindset and the level of commitment and trust that is necessary for a dom/sub relationship. It's not something I always understood, I'll be the first to admit that...but I've learned a lot in my time here.

I think the issue is people don't understand it, to which I would further submit that a lack of understanding attributes to ignorance. It is easier to simply label something as "weird" and thus preclude oneself from bothering to understand something than it is to look into things and try to garner an understanding. That's something I've seen as a recurrent pattern in many things...religion, politics, sexuality, you name it.

I've always seen things I don't understand as an opportunity. I like looking into things and learning about things that were previously foreign to me. I find it fosters understanding. While I know I don't personally have it in me to do a dom/sub relationship, I've come to understand what it is, and I can respect that.

Hugs,
Harley

[spoiledprince]

[QUOTE=Mtfbwy72;3571931]If I tell people I am a submissive I immediately get the question were you ever abused.QUOTE]

How rude! How could anyone ask anyone upfront about such a sensitive topic, worse still that they will link your fetish to it. When will we separate ourselves from our sexuality and realize there is more to an individual than their preferences and that those are not as stereotypical as they would like? We hurt each other with our insensitivities and fear of difference; love is love and we all do it differently.

[MistressStayc]

I only mentioned the vanilla thing because I was quoting the previous poster. It was not in a them/us mindset....I look to alienate no one. That's why I don't mind talking about my sexuality. I do believe education fosters acceptance.

[AppalachianAxis]

I can really relate to where you're coming from. The very few people with whom I have confided in about my anti-sexuality have all immediately inquired if I had experienced some kind of traumatic sexual abuse. This trend continued with the two therapists I saw, they also even asked if I wanted to try and explore repressed memories just in case.
It doesn't make me angry exactly, but it does get a bit irritating when people can't seem to fathom that you can simply be who you are without having undergone some kind of trauma that requires "fixing."

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Mtfbwy72

i just had to vent the other day because once again had told somebody i was a submissive and got the abuse ?

Next time, don't say that you ARE a submissive. Say that sometimes, you play the role of a submissive in your relationship, and other times, you do not.

Not only would it be a correct statement of fact, unlike the verbiage you used, but I can almost guarantee a better outcome.

A more interesting thing to ask yourself is why do you care what other people think? The truth is, the vast majority of people couldn't care less what your reasoning is for being a submissive.

Your sexual kinks aren't as important to other people as you think they are.

It's not something that is generally a topic of conversation for me. What we do behind the bedroom doors is our own business.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

It's not something that is generally a topic of conversation for me. What we do behind the bedroom doors is our own business.

I am also used to the line "whatever people choose to do in the privacy of their own bedroom is normal", but note the word "privacy", so I wondered why OP felt compelled to talk about such things, whatever they are, with casual acquaintances. Seems like making a problem out of nothing.