[2much2give2die]

This is really weird trying to explain my issue. Been married to my high school sweetheart for 29 years. Always have had a wonderful love life.Both of us have changed and we still have alot of love for each other but he is more demanding even though he is dealing with ED and I try to help him but I can't seem to be able to do enough. I am not into crazy/freaky sex, I just want the wonderful love making we have always had.I have been allowing him to do his thing to me even when I didn't want to and it makes me feel awful.I feel like I have been raped.He is not mean or aggressive just demanding. I don't know how to get back my feelings of wanting him that way.I mean, I do want him, but I don't want to just have do it because he says I am holding out on him.I hope someone here can tell me how to get my lovelife back without doing stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable. He tells me constantly how hot I am and I know I'm not ugly or too heavy or anything like that.I just don't feel hot and sexy.Thanks for reading this any any help will be geatly appreciated.

[Marshellette]

How cute that he still wants you like that. Adorable. So you don't offend him make sure to tell him he's attractive to you but you're just not in the mood. And then maybe go on vacation together sometime. An environment can improve your feelings for him.

[krisakira]

If you don't want sex, then you don't want it, and he should not ever force you to do it. You should be able to say no, and he respect that, not be "demanding" about it. Don't have sex just because he wants to. It'll make you feel exactly how you are feeling now, degraded, used, and raped. Though I would not call it rape unless you said no and he did his thing anyway, I am hearing that you just went along with it willingly, though your heart wasn't in it. If I am wrong, correct me. Don't ever let him do this to you. It needs to be mutual. This is probably why your relationship is on edge now. It is not "cute" that he demands sex. It is awful. I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but I would NEVER ask him to have sex with me if he didn't want to do it. I would never demand it. That is horrible. You aren't married to him just to be a sex doll. You are his wife, and more than just someone he can **** whenever he wants.

[2much2give2die]

Thanks for the replies. I am so glad you both took the time to share with me.I do feel honored that my husband still finds me attractive after all these years.And I still get all goofy for him too.I know lots of folks would love to have the relationship we have.But it has its ups and downs sometimes way up, sometimes way down.But we both agreed at the beginning of our relationship that we would always be there for each other.And we have.I think he is having a real hard time accepting the fact that we're not youngsters anymore.I mean, really at 47 you're not the same as you were at 17.It just doesn't work that way.i know I shouldn't just go along with him everytime he's ready and I'm not.It really does do something to your mind when you do that.He has never acted like he would go elsewhere if I said no, he just thinks that a "fine" woman like me ought to want it as much as he does.It used to be more mutual. But he never is not ready so it's always me that feels that way.I try to tell him to ease up on the pursuit so I can quit trying to get away.The best thing is we do have real talks about this.And we usually agree we both want the same things, to have good loving on a regular basis. I told him I wouldn't be just accommodating him anymore.I told him his manhood has got to stop trying to control him.He had better let that part know who's in charge and stop getting him in trouble. Just because it stands at attention doesn't mean it's going to get it everytime.I think he got the point I was trying to make.We have had a very nice afternoon and evening and I think we worked through some of our issues. I'm sure we'll have more to work on but at the minute we're as good as we could get.I am sure me coming here and unloading helped ease my mind.And for that I am eternity grateful. I will remember to do more of this sharing in the future to help keep myself sane.People I meet are always telling how nice and kind I am and with me being so shy, I don't see what people see in me that makes them like me so easily. I keep to myself and don't approach people at all but then complete strangers come up and talk to me like they know me.I can't figure that out. Anyway, thanks for the space to vent and share.My self esteem has went up considerably since coming here today.I feel like I will enjoy tomorrow. And hopefully that will continue until I get back to my happy-go-lucky self.Thanks, again, good folks.

[Webgoji]

You say he has ED. How is he doing emotionally with that? This almost sounds like a reaction to his ED, like he's trying to convince himself he's still "manly". I wonder if this isn't about you at all, but about his own fears.

Originally Posted by Webgoji

You say he has ED. How is he doing emotionally with that? This almost sounds like a reaction to his ED, like he's trying to convince himself he's still "manly". I wonder if this isn't about you at all, but about his own fears.

It's possible, but from a woman's perspective, this sounds like you are excusing her husbands despicable behavior

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by sophiesmom

It's possible, but from a woman's perspective, this sounds like you are excusing her husbands despicable behavior

I don't want it to sound like the behavior is appropriate, but I always think it's better to get to the root of the problem.

[2much2give2die]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

You say he has ED. How is he doing emotionally with that? This almost sounds like a reaction to his ED, like he's trying to convince himself he's still "manly". I wonder if this isn't about you at all, but about his own fears.

Well, I know it can't be good for him.I mean he can be "ready" and then lose it when we get started.And it usually doesn't come back.I have always been one to research any medical issues I encounter that interest me or concerns someone I know.i don't just read a couple of articles either, I read all types of info and compare notes to see what seems to best knowledge on any given subject. From what I can understand his is caused from first age, then alcohol use and probably some form of heart disease. The latter runs in his family but he hasn't had any diagnosis. He won't even consider a Dr visit.He has asked me to check into otc supplements for men.I didn't find anything good about them and they even sound dangerous. I have to tell him what we're both experiencing is normal.We still have great loving, it's just not as often as he would like.It is different from what we had 30 years ago . That's to be expected. I just don't get the why he insist we try so often . That's one of the reasons I have just went along when he thinks he's ready.I want to take care of my man but he never seems satisfied.No matter how good or long it lasts.It seems the more we do the more he wants.If we have a nice little afternoon, he wants to turn it into a all-nighter.It is so complicated it is just driving me nuts. I know alot of the problem is his, but he is mine so I have to do whatever I can to help him.I think that's the thing, I keep forgetting to think of myself until I get annoyed with him.As much as I love him, some days I don't like him.If that makes any sense.And it's hard to be intimate with someone you don't like.We've been together to long not work through this but I just wonder somedays how to do that . I'm glad I can come here and get new insights and different views from different people. It is helping me sort through some of the things I don't understand. Thanks for the responses, they are helping. Today has been better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before.I am making progress. Again, thanks for the help.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by 2much2give2die

Well, I know it can't be good for him.I mean he can be "ready" and then lose it when we get started.And it usually doesn't come back.I have always been one to research any medical issues I encounter that interest me or concerns someone I know.i don't just read a couple of articles either, I read all types of info and compare notes to see what seems to best knowledge on any given subject. From what I can understand his is caused from first age, then alcohol use and probably some form of heart disease. The latter runs in his family but he hasn't had any diagnosis. He won't even consider a Dr visit.He has asked me to check into otc supplements for men.I didn't find anything good about them and they even sound dangerous. I have to tell him what we're both experiencing is normal.We still have great loving, it's just not as often as he would like.It is different from what we had 30 years ago . That's to be expected. I just don't get the why he insist we try so often . That's one of the reasons I have just went along when he thinks he's ready.I want to take care of my man but he never seems satisfied.No matter how good or long it lasts.It seems the more we do the more he wants.If we have a nice little afternoon, he wants to turn it into a all-nighter.It is so complicated it is just driving me nuts. I know alot of the problem is his, but he is mine so I have to do whatever I can to help him.I think that's the thing, I keep forgetting to think of myself until I get annoyed with him.As much as I love him, some days I don't like him.If that makes any sense.And it's hard to be intimate with someone you don't like.We've been together to long not work through this but I just wonder somedays how to do that . I'm glad I can come here and get new insights and different views from different people. It is helping me sort through some of the things I don't understand. Thanks for the responses, they are helping. Today has been better than yesterday and yesterday was better than the day before.I am making progress. Again, thanks for the help.

I'm really glad you guys are making progress.

You mentioned that he doesn't want to go to the doctor and that's a dead give-away that he's fighting denial and acting out inappropriately. OTC stuff usually only tries to raise testosterone so if anything that would cause him to become more aggressive.

Have you mentioned counseling to him? It really sounds like he needs to talk to a counselor, maybe as couples and definitely individually. Many guys will deny having problems or try to hide them or make up for them and it's unhealthy (as you're seeing). It's not about saving a marriage, it's about reconnecting and making it stronger. I would hope he's open for it, but this sounds like an uphill battle.

[hamster-bamster]

I have not read the entire thread, but since you came on a mental health site, chances are that you yourself might be on, say, an antidepressant that makes you feel less desire. If that is not the case, that is not the case, but I just wanted to rule out a very probable cause