[Samed]

My husband is the most wonderful and caring man I have ever known. Since the day he met me, he has re-wired his life to be with me (including selling his home at a loss and leaving an established practice to start a new one across the state). He works 6 days a week, and then helps around the house when he gets home. He is polite and sweet and everything a woman could ask for.
When we were dating, I was aware of him renting porn at his house, and figured he had been a bachelor for a while before meeting me, so didn't think much of it. I thought when we lived together, that wouldn't be necessary (but didn't actually voice this thought to him). Since moving in together 8 months ago, our sex life has dwindled. I've heard that is normal because of the every day stresses, but it was a noticeable change in the intimacy of our love making that made me start to doubt myself.
He has always struggled to climax when we are together... DE is what the pros call it. I was concerned at first, but he told me that it was a problem in every relationship he ever had. I do feel the need to mention here that I am 5'7" tall and a solid 150lbs normally (big boobs, small waist); His ex's were ALL under 5'2" and very petite.
Well, despite the lack of intimacy in bed, I found out I was pregnant We are both very happy about it and can't wait for the new addition to our family! As is to be expected in the first trimester, my energy levels were absolutely sacked and my libido suffered. I have now entered the 2nd trimester and am feeling great.
I found out earlier this week that my husband was still renting pornos on tv. When I talked to the cable company to dispute the charges (We hadn't rented any movies as far as I knew), they told me that there had been adult movies for several months (I barely look through the bills, and my hubby pays them). I figured it was because of my being pregnant, and confronted him as to why he didn't tell me he was renting videos... It would have saved me some embarrassment! He apologized for not telling me, and that was that...
Until my curiosity got me the next day and I talked to an online rep about it. I was told he had been renting movies on the account since July (the month we moved in together) and when they told me the titles, I freaked. He rents 3 to 5 videos per month on average and they are ALL about teeny little barely 18 girls ("91lb Newbie Squealers", "4'11" Squealers", "I Love Little Boobs", etc). When I confronted him about it, he felt it a personal attack, I think.
I told him that the reason it bothers me is that I can't ever be the fantasy he has programmed himself to orgasm to. I had hope to see freaky fetish stuff.... anything that I could maybe be a part of. I can't be petite, though. I just can't.
I know that he loves me... How do I get over this awful feeling that he's just not attracted to me?

[hamster-bamster]

A 5'7'' woman with a small waist and large breasts was the woman he married, though, made sacrifices for, and delighted in preparing to father a child with. right? So he must be attracted to you, and attracted a lot.

[Rose76]

Your wording of what he does shows a good insight, I believe. He has "programmed himself" to respond to a particular stimulus. I can totally understand how that makes you feel excluded. It sounds like he has some sexual inadequacy. Apparently, his ex's didn't quite float his boat, despite being built according to his fantasies. So it seems that it is not your build that is the problem. It sounds to me like he just finds it easier to respond to porn. This video habit is potentially reinforcing that tendency. I can see where you'ld find that disappointing.

3 to 5 videos a month doesn't sound like all that hot and heavy an addiction. There is one word you use that I think is unfortunate - "confront." I'll never understand why, when someone talks to someone about a behavior that concerns them, they jump to the word "confront." It has the echo of a battle line being drawn. When people use the word, "confront," it signals to me that they feel they have a grievance.

Suppose you enjoyed reading racy novels about women who fell into relationships with devastatingly handsome and sexually potent men. Would this be something that your husband would have a right to "confront" you about?

I think that even married people have a right to a little personal privacy about their sexual fantasies. If his involvement with these videos is displacing his relationship with you, then that would be something to really worry about. If it was growing more intense, that might be something to get concerned about. You may be reading too much into this. Don't assume that he is not attracted to you.

I think that men who get involved in porn tend to have issues of insecurity and sexual repression. The bigger issue is not his interest in porn, but whether you are becoming dissatisfied with the intimate relationship that you and he have. You seem to feel secure that he loves you. I don't think I've ever know anyone well who would say that they had everything they wanted in their intimate relationship with their spouse.

I can understand you feeling some disappointment at this discovery. I would too. This might seem a stretch to do, but maybe you could inject some humor into this situation, without making him feel demeaned. This might call for some imagination.

[Samed]

Update-

After posting this, I started doing some research. I found that a considerable number of people (yes, women too!) have the same issue of not being able to climax while in bed with a partner, but can do so in no time while watching porn. Because they only masturbate to porn, their brains need that super intense stimulus to reach climax... which isn't the case when in bed with a partner. Most issues will clear up (supposedly) in a couple months if the person stops masturbating to porn. Women can also be desensitized to partner when using vibrators to masturbate.

So I talked to him. When I said confronted before, it was maybe not the right word... I am not aggressive, I just hate having skeletons and resentments and am willing to talk about anything, even if it's an embarrassing subject. He did get a little embarrassed (masturbation, he told me, had always been a very shameful thing for him... he was raised in a very religious home, go figure), but talked to me openly, if not shyly.

I asked him if he could put away the porn and I my vibrator for a 3 month period... just to see if it did anything to our sex life. I am in no way saying no masturbation; I think that is part of a healthy life. Just no props Au natural, if you will. I also told him that I would be more active in initiating (I am very terrible in that department... Always been a little self-conscious and very body conscious right now.

Right after the conversation, he was a little shy... he was processing, I think. About an hour later, we were flirting more than we have in months. He also kept touching me (pushing my hair behind my ear, holding my hand more than usual, standing really close while I was cooking). It felt awesome. Yesterday was day #2 and that same thing... very flirty all day, trying to make me laugh (and succeeding!), touching me constantly.

We will see how this goes in the long run, but with the current success rate, I don't think I need to cross my fingers!

[hamster-bamster]

A great update! Keep it up, no pun intended.

[hamster-bamster]

PS this might be way off topic, but... if he picked up this genre of porn AFTER learning about your pregnancy, maybe there is some subconcious fear of being a father, which is why he is looking at girls who do not look like fertile women (I do realize that the stereotype is not true and personally know women who have the bodies of prepubescent boys AND are mothers, but the stereotype is still there, right?).

[ptangptang]

I'm not sure it's wise to over analyze things. 3 to 5 porn vids a month is hardly an addiction. A lot of women would love to have what youve got and what your husband has given you. Why don't you try watching porn together. And don't 'CONFRONT' him over such things. You'll drive him away. A little porn can spice up a relationship and if i ( or my girlfriend) suggested it i wouldn't expect to be villified as freaky. Glad to hear that things have turned round though and hope that carries on. Be more open with each other though. The voice of experience haha( if my gf reads this she'll laugh). love and peace xx

[RTerroni]

Most men do look at porn, and it is nothing to be upset about, unless he is doing something illegal, such as looking at child pornography, my Uncle downloaded a TON of child pornography over the course of time and is now serving an 8 year prison sentence.

you should embrace it he is only trying to have fun.