[grey_aj]

I am currently feeling all the emotions mentioned in the thread title and much more. Before I start, I'm going to say that I am new to this forum and I don't know if I am gay or bisexual or not (explaining the confusion).

I'm a junior girl in high school, and I've pretty much always been into guys. Except for this year. I started realizing that I get huge girl crushes that are too huge to just be dismissed as "girl crushes". And then just two weeks ago, I realized there's this girl in my grade who I have a teensy-tiny crush on. I get to sit next to her in class every other day. I kept thinking how great it would be if she was into girls. I thought that I was just fantasizing. I mean after all, it's hard to tell who's gay and who's not. All the while I am still unsure about my own feelings towards girls. Then, BAM. Today I found out that she is in fact a lesbian (explaining the mind-blown-ness) and that she is even dating someone (explaining the frustration and the jealousy). And I just simply could not *believe* it. That the girl I had a small, seemingly inconsequential "girl crush" on was actually in a relationship with another girl. I'm still mind-boggled. The fact that she is lesbian has magnified my crush for her by 1,000 times, and the reason it only seemed like a small one before was probably because I was trying to deny it.

I don't know what to do or what to feel! All of this is so recent and stuff happens so fast. I didn't even think twice about being into girls until about three weeks ago!!! And now the only girl I had a real crush on is actually in a committed relationship. And I still might have feelings for guys, and I'm just really really confused.

Thanks if you read all of that.

- AJ

[AngelWolf3]

I understand...! Maybe experiment and find out if that is really what you are into? Just a suggestion, I did...(I am still confused but maybe you won't be!)

Good luck....

[grey_aj]

I don't know how I would do that. Like, how would I find someone? My school has a gay-straight alliance but I am too unsure to even go anywhere near it and I am already far to busy with work and everything.

My mind was such a mess today. I mean, what were the chances of me liking a girl? What were the chances of me liking ONE girl in the whole high school with that ONE girl being a part of possibly the first female homosexual couple at my school???? It would seem like the chances of that are very slim. But it happened anyways. So when I saw her with her girlfriend walking in the hall today my heart felt physically crushed. I mean, I don't think I like her *that* much, it was just the fact that she actually turned out to be into girls combined with a little jealousy about her having a girlfriend. I originally just liked her overall as a person, but now this is just messing with me.

Thanks for reading!

- AJ

[AngelWolf3]

that's a good question, about finding someone. It has to be hard too, being in school still with everything going on like that. I just kinda tripped into my person and it all fell into place, but who wants to wait for that?

God that has to be so hard to see her like that in the halls...that doesn't help with the mind-f*** !!!! (pardon the language, even tho I asterisked it out!)

[grey_aj]

Ahh thanks. Still extremely new to all of this. Not even willing to admit to myself that I kind of have a thing for girls.

Haha language excused. I'm happy for her and everything, I really am. I understand that it must not have been easy for either of them and I'm proud of them both for going public. I really respect them but I still sorta like her! Things feel a little less intense today but still jumbled. Still in awe at the chances of any of this happening. Bleh. I'll see how I feel when I have to sit next to her for 1.5 hours in class today.

Thanks for reading

- AJ

[AngelWolf3]

Maybe maybe maybe at some point if you feel more comfortable, you could just talk to her and her gf and find out what they did to get where they are now, as far as being comfortable/knowing their orientation, etc...(some of us later in life, me included, would like to know, lol)

But seriously, might be good? Then you could talk to her too, and maybe you are attracted not only to her, but to the idea that she knows who/what she likes, and that confidence makes her that much more attractive to you.

Easier said than done though, after all, I am sitting here alone at the computer, and you are sitting next to her in class.....

[grey_aj]

Thanks for all your suggestions. I have actually never felt feelings like this for someone before. I mean, I have had things with guys before but they all turned out to be botched cases. I have thought about talking to her about it, probably over instant messaging because that's easier. It would be too rash to just tell her I like her right? I'm that desperate. I just find it ridiculous how I started liking her a little even before I found out she was into girls. Before I found out that even *I* was into girls.

I don't know her girlfriend that well. And yes, I really do appreciate her confidence. That's why I'm *not* going to be the "dirty mistress" so to speak that ruins everything. I know that it must have been a long road for her to come this far, and for her girlfriend too. I honestly respect them.

Class today. It was so awesome yet so terrible at the same time. Disregarding the class part, we cracked some really great jokes and just had an overall good time like we always have in class even before all of this, just giving each other tons of sarcasm and sass. But after class got let out and she obviously went to go look for her girlfriend, it was pretty damn miserable and confusing and exciting at the same time. I feel like my hands are tied.

You'll find someone! We both will. I think I might be what they call pansexual, but still new to this so not sure.

Thanks for reading.

- AJ

[LiteraryLark]

Its easy to worry about putting labels on yourself when you're feeling confused, but the most important thing is to remember is to enjoy the ride.

Puberty happens, and it's that time when your hormones change when you start noticing both men and women. It doesn't mean it has anything to do with your orientation, but you may find that you may start looking at women, comparing them to yourself, and find a bit of attraction to them. What is it about this girl that
you like? Does she remind you of yourself or who you want to be?

In high school, I started questioning myself at 14 and juggled between being straight, bi, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, and then now at 19 when I'm finally settled with being pansexual, I realize I have no interest in having sex with women, though I have preferred women all through high school and dated and made out with women. I do believe I prefer both men and women, but now I'm more interested in men than women.

Some people can settle in their orientation quickly, though some, like me, can take years to figure out. Don't be afraid to test the waters and date women. You may find that the answer surprises you, but for now don't attempt to claim to be anything you're not sure of. Hope this helps.

[grey_aj]

Hi guys, so sorry to bump this thread from almost two years ago but I always find time-machine posts like this really interesting.

WOW ok so basically the girl who I had a crush on from post#1... we ended up becoming really really close friends. Like incredibly close friends, she practically knows everything about me and we have no secrets and no judgments. I'm rly thankful to have someone like her.

I kept having feelings for her for the rest of the school year but after we found out that we shared the same dark secret (self-harm) I sort of just saw her as a close friend. She's still with that first girlfriend, they are a super strong couple and now I'm better friends with her gf too.

The aforementioned gay-straight-alliance that I said I would go nowhere near... I have now been a member for a while and I'm even the secretary.

Some stuff happened with a guy in between but I've mainly had a crush on this one other girl since October but too shy to do anything about it. I still don't know my "label" but I'm okay with that now because I'm just going to like who I like.

And not too long ago, I told my old crush/ now close friend (the one from the first post) that even though I've been mostly straight, I've had some feelings for girls before (didn't tell her it was her though!!)

Now we are all graduating from high school in a few weeks, and it has been a crazy ride

Like I said, I love time-machine posts.

- AJ

[bixkf]

AJ,

I'm glad things worked out for you, better than you probably thought when you made the original post. I would still hesitate to "label" anything about yourself, just go with whatever you feel, live for the moment, there are no rules...

Since I realized that I was "special" around 15, I've done the labelling thing over and over again. I was gay from 15-16, straight from 17-30, bisexual from 30-44, bisexual-leaning-towards-gay a few times in the last year and now "special". As I have been maturing, I have been realizing that there is no real reason to label, labelling is for others to peg me in a place that they understand. The only thing that matters is how I feel, that why I just call myself "special" because being who I am is better than being who other want me to be.