I don't know what turns me on!?

My fiancé asked me last night if he could get a list of things that he can do to turn me on. I didn't have an answer, and also got very anxious to the point of practically passing out right after.

My fiancé and I know I am uncomfortable with sex. We have sex maybe once a month, if that. It use to be more but I was having way more panic attacks and often stopped half way through.

He said he is okay with it, and doesn't want to push me, that he's happy just to masturbate, and I believe this but I still feel guilty. I don't think it's pushing us apart but I worry it will, that because I don't put out enough he'll leave. I know he won't but I'm scared because sex was such an expected thing, not just for me and my ex's, but also some of my friends.

Now talking about sex makes me want to cry and curl up into a ball. Being naked, no issue. Cuddling naked, no issue. Kissing lightly, no issue. Kissing deeply or more? I freak.

All of the things that use to turn me on I don't want. I use to really enjoy being 'slave' in role play, or rape fantasy, or BDSM, or the idea of being on display (either through pictures, or for real). The only time I was comfortable not being "underneath" my parter was giving with a strap-on, but my fiancé doesn't want to try it so that's out. I don't want to do any of the things that use to turn me on anymore because I use to hide in them when I was scared and let my partner do things to me that "put me in my place". Some of my reactions point to abuse in my past, and friends often assume that I was abused, but I don't remember anything clearly and doctors don't think I was. Still, essentially being abused is the only place I feel really comfortable and can actually cum in sex. I don't want that with my fiancé.

I dont know what to offer........ maybe you need to find self discovery. Positive thoughts.. I am trying. Good luck sweet peep.

Why don't you try other things? One's you've not done yet. Discuss them with your fiancee and figure out what turns you on together or something. Good luck!

Thanks guys. It's nice to have support, even if it's not direct answers. Cookie Monstar, him and I have been discussing things on and off. There are a few things that work, but they make him awkward or uncomfortable (like randomly deciding to masturbate in front of me). We're still working though but until we find something I think he's okay with "me time" in the shower... I just wish he didn't have to be.

Pikku Myy, self discovery is something I never stop doing and always have more to do! I'm trying to find another therapist who has experience with similar issues, but I haven't heard back yet.

Thanks for all the hugs everyone. I really appreciate the support. It's surprisingly one of the hardest things I've dealt with over the years...

Do you actually enjoy having sex or is it something you do because it's expected? (I'm asking because you may lie on the asexual spectrum)

If you are into kink and your fiancé is then don't be ashamed of what turns you on. It might be a good idea to discuss safety and performing kink in a consensual way. There's nothing wrong with enjoying submissive behavior. The way you describe it didn't sound safe though. Also kink does not necessarily mean sex is involved for some people.

Masturbating together could also work.

Have you seen any kind of therapist?