[BubonicPlague]

I had an addiction problem with pornography last year, and it formed into OCD thoughts thinking I would harm children even though I didn't want to (but we went over this when I was admitted to a hospital after, that I was not attracted to children. And I know I'm not now.). Porn back then was causing me to become emotionally distressed and it made me feel jealous of people that were in intimate relationships. I was even engaging in cybersex (I didn't tell my parents about that part. I wanted to leave that out.). So as I was recovering in the hospital, and we thought it was best for me to stay away from porn by blocking all adult sites on my laptop. The fantasies went away for a while after that.

Then when we got back out a few months ago, I was tempted into looking at porn again. I started finding erotic artwork online to masturbate to, and then I started using the internet on my phone to go on porn websites again. I engaged in some cyber sex, but not as much. I eventually went from looking at porn every few nights to once every night (which messed up how I slept).

A few days ago I had stop and think about how I was feeling. I was getting really depressed again, and even though porn made me feel good for the moment, it wouldn't last for a whole day. I'm always having these unrealistic fantasies (daydreaming in my head about it all the time, every day), and I'm afraid if I continue to get my mind stuck in the dream world, I might not be able to handle this realistically in the future. I've been having unrealistic thoughts about what it would be like to have sex with a person.

I've said before that I would not date anyone again and not be in an intimate relationship. All I wanted was a friend with benefits partner, and I kept seeing nearly every man that was good looking to me as nearly a sex object. That's just not right!

I know I can't be in a relationship, either for love or for sex anyway. I'm just not able to. I'm not attractive or pleasing enough to a man's eyes. I just don't have the body or skills to impress him. Also, here in Utah almost all of the population here (I may be exaggerating this. and I'm trying to not urge anyone into religious debate, but this is how it is in Utah where I live), who is Mormon; men want women to have kids and raise a family with them. I don't want to be a part of their beliefs, and I don't want to raise kids. I'd be a terrible mother and I don't think I'd be responsible enough to take care of a baby!

So, about three or four days ago, I've decided not to look at porn anymore and make a goal to become celibate (I am not doing this for religious beliefs. I'm doing it for the sake of my own sanity.). I will not get involved in any type of relationship, or any sexual activity, even trying to not let myself see hugging, kissing, cuddling or any other ways of petting, which means no looking at shirtless pictures of men in sexy poses, or fan-girling over religious idols (I have a problem with angels. It helps that I have a passion, something to get into, but it also hurts me having the false beliefs in wanting to be in a relationship with them.)

Who would make a great couple?

Michael x Satan

I ship them so hard...Ohhh Yaoi and its works

No Bubonic! NO!!! No more Yaoi pairings!!! >:V

I'm not sure what, if anything, you were looking for in terms of replies to this post. It sounds as though it was more of a declaration than information leading to a question. But I just wanted to comment & say I can somewhat sympathize with your dilemma as far as the need to avoid pornography or even more gentle displays of affection go.

I'm an older male who has struggled with Gender Identity Disorder my whole life. As such, I also have allot of conflicts surrounding sexuality. So I also try to avoid being exposed to any kind of porn or even, as I say, gentler displays of affection. They can stir up all sorts of conflicting emotions which I just prefer not to experience. There's nothing I can do about them & they make me feel very uncomfortable. They can also contribute to a quick slide back down into the depths of depression & anxiety. Of course, no matter how hard I try, society is so full of sexual material, it's impossible to avoid it all. I invariably get hit with stuff I'd rather not be exposed to. But at least I have (as do you) an awareness of the effect it has on me & so I can minimize the impact.

And as far as the idea of celibacy goes, as long as this is a path you are comfortable with, I would say it's perfectly fine. Here again, society makes it feel as though if you're not in some type of relationship, there's something wrong with you. But there are, I would imagine, many people who are just perfectly happy to be unattached.

Best wishes!

You sound very unique to me, as I don't think I've met women who watch or are even sort of addicted to porn. That tends to be a male problem.

As for viewing men as sex objects...that's all we are basically And, we like being thought of that way by women . Well, OK, maybe it's just me.

I've also wanted to exclude sex from my life completely, or even thinking about sexual thoughts, or girls all together. As you can see below, I have ASD and thus suck at any kind of relationship. I could never chat up a girl, even if my life depended on it. But, I am a highly sexual person, despite being single. The times I've had sex (obviously just a once-off "arrangement" since I've never had a girlfriend) I've realized I'm extremely passionate as a lover, and I've been told that by the women I've been with too, so I'm not imagining things. Sex is something that occupies my mind a lot during the day and could even be an Achilles heel of mine so to speak. But, I CANNOT do any kind of relationship whatsoever. I can't even make friends, let alone romantic connections. I often wish I could switch off thoughts of sex and wanting sex completely, or even become totally asexual. It would help so much, because I'm sitting here, burning with desire almost everyday of my life and I can't do anything about it because I'm a girl-repellent. I also don't want kids one day, because I know I'll be a terrible father. I don't think I'll ever be man enough for it. Actually, I'm like an eight year old boy myself, I am just a big child. So, removing sexual feelings from the equation will help me a lot and I wish there was a way to do it.

Nothing wrong with being celibate, just your motivation for doing it is wrong because you think you're not attractive enough for men. This makes me think you don't really want to do this but feel you have no option.

If you want to be celibate you have to have a change in philosophy on regards to sex. To completely change your mental state where if you never have sex again you don't care. That doesn't mean you don't have to have sex again, you just don't care if you do or don't and it is possible to think like that, but it takes time. If you're choosing to be celibate just to cover up insecurities then you'll going to be miserable. And another thing, you're a woman, and I noticed you mention you don't want kids, but your reason for it is because you think you'll be a terrible mother. If you genuinely think that then it's just as well you don't have children but I just wonder if this isn't another reason to beat yourself up over something.

If you definitely don't want kids and are content never having sex again the go ahead and live a celibate lifestyle. But I'm not convinced that it's what you want based on what I'm reading and if you don't really mean it you'll slip back into watching porn again. You'd be better off focusing on overcoming porn for now and not label yourself as celibate.

[BubonicPlague]

I still keep on having sexual urges (even without looking at porn for a period of 5 days).

I can't believe it, I masturbated three times last night.

Now I'm going back on my word.

I made a promise that I would quit my addiction with my dad's alcoholism.

I'm thinking back on what my mom mentioned last night.

She said that when I was 15 and curious about sex with adult toys, she wouldn't talk about because I was too young. Now she'll talk about with me because I'm old enough (I think that's what she told me). I'll have to ask her again.

I don't know if she will be willing to talk about this with me, but I'm thinking maybe I can have a vibrator? Especially since I won't be able to have sex partner. I won't be able to experience what it's like to have something pleasurable inside me.

I mean, I will be 18 in four weeks. This should be appropriate right?

Maybe I don't deserve it...I can be fine with stimulating my clit manually with my fingers.

There's so many emotions going through me.

Guilt, shame, and embarrassment.

[Myotherlife]

There really is no need for guilt, shame, or embarrassment over sexual urges and acts, as long as they don't hurt anyone, including you. If you want to masturbate 20 times a day, what does it matter to anyone else? Will the earth stop rotating if you masturbate "too often"? Will your friends drop you because you masturbate? Not if you don't tell them!

You are fighting a problem that is all to common in our society, an unreasonable fear of sex and being seen as sexual. Embrace your sexuality, because it's one thing that no one can take away from you!

Other