[Maimster123]

I’m just going to start by putting this all out there. I’ll be looking for a way to change my name after I hit send. I’ve worked myself into a depression that I seem stuck in. While I’ve stayed at home the last year to slow down and try to fix myself I really feel like I haven’t gotten anywhere.

The time has come and gone that I need to be further into some sort of progress than what I am.

I have to give a shortened version of the situation, so I’ll spare as much as possible without losing my point. I fear that I have a sexual addiction that is next to impossible to break. Now I’m not talking an addiction of having sex several times a day, but in a completely different manner. I’m married. I’ve been married twice and fortunately I’ve been lucky enough to find someone who will help me through this.

I wasn’t raised to be open in regards to sex. My parents didn’t openly talk about it and they were never inappropriate around us. However I remember masturbating a lot when I was a child. I remember the overwhelming urge and I’d leave the room to deal with it. I don’t know how I kept it a secret but I remember this from a very young age.

Unfortunately that isn’t quite all. I became sexually active not long after my first memory of masturbating. It was a consensual friend and I’m sure our parents were in the other room. We were sneaky kids apparently. We were both 5 or 6 and somehow we figured it out. Not long after that he passed away in a car accident. This incident is when I consider myself to have lost my virginity. I made love at 5 or 6! I never told my parents about it. Even typing it causes the blood to drain from my face.

I didn’t have sex again until I was 14. Still much too young. This time it wasn’t consensual on my behalf and his mother walked in before the act was done. She was a volatile woman and asked me if I was on birth control somehow unaware of my tears. She said nothing else and it dumbfounded me. He was my boyfriend, and happened to be a friend of my brothers. I feared that I was pregnant for months. I saw him once after that and it made me shake in my shoes for hours. My parents found out by reading a journal I kept, but I let them believe that it was mutual.

After this it was all downhill. Sex became a game, then it became something I got good at. Now it’s just another way that I enjoy knowing some people. My attraction to a person never seems to end and it’s such an imperial moment to know that I’ve caused that pleasure.

Briefly I’ll explain the first marriage ended because I found, met and fell in love with another man. I had cheated on my first husband numerous times with several different people. I can’t even explain how I ended up divorced without him knowing about any one of them, but that’s what happened. After we were divorced, we continued sleeping together and I became pregnant with my first child. (skip through the pregnancy where he wouldn’t touch me from months 3 to 9.5) But after that we were both very sexually in tune. We even made it through a few swingers nights and enjoyed the hell out of it. We stayed together for a good three years but again I wasn’t faithful and I ended the relationship. I still feel horrible for it and for his not knowing but our son is now 9 and it’s been too long for me to bring it back into light.
I was involved in some casual sexual experiences in between, but shortly after leaving the relationship with my ex-husband, I met who became my current husband.

Now I’m in my second marriage. I’ve talked to my husband about all of the above but no one else. I cheated on my second husband before we were married and again after we were married. When I say cheated, I mean full blown, second kind of life cheated. I’ve always managed to keep my two lives separate from each other. We attend marriage counseling (add in major marital problems here) and I see my own therapist to help us both get past everything.

“Hypersexual” is in the diagnosis but no one has ever talked to me about it. I feel like a totally selfish person and I don’t know how to get past this. I’m 10 months faithful now, but I’m deathly afraid that if I find work or start socializing again, I’ll come across another opportunity to cheat and I’ll give in to it. I want my marriage to work and I want to be a faithful wife. I don’t want my kids to grow knowing that their mom was a cheater. It’s like my brain doesn’t know how to say no when it comes time to making the decision. Is there anyone else out there like this? Does anyone else remember being sexual as a child? Is this normal?

[hamster-bamster]

You have talked to your second (current) H about all of the above, and what did he say in response?

[Seeking2]

When I was a young boy of 6, a girl and I looked at each other's crotches several times behind a house. We then kissed under the covers and I got a nearly painful erection, but we didn't know about intercourse. I think lots of children have had experiences with kids their own age.

I wonder if you've ever considered the world view that monogamy is not the only way to be in long term relationship where you are committed to continue the relationship with that person? There are forms of responsible non-monogamy. You mentioned swinging, and that is one type, but for those that crave more emotional or verbal intimacy with multiple partners there is polyamory.

Sex at Dawn is a book that proposes that humans are not naturally monogamous and that monogamy was better suited to agricultural societies that are patriarchal.

More recently a study published found that there is a spectrum just like for sexuality.

I myself am heteroflexible and somewhere between swinger and poly. I don't have a strong desire to love many people equally due to time and energy constraints, but I realize that I am not a monogamous person.

So, how do you feel about people that decide that they are not monogamous, but that they are still ethical and good people?

Speaking of ethical, the ethical slut is a good book.

[Maimster123]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

You have talked to your second (current) H about all of the above, and what did he say in response?

Yes my current husband is aware of everything. He's helped a lot. We had a swingers night and while he's open to that he of course isn't open to my having affairs without him. He understands that a sense of "normalcy" is unique to each person but also believes that I should be able to do without other lovers.
I want to provide this for him, but my fear of not being able to literally keeps me in the house.

[Maimster123]

Originally Posted by Seeking2

When I was a young boy of 6, a girl and I looked at each other's crotches several times behind a house. We then kissed under the covers and I got a nearly painful erection, but we didn't know about intercourse. I think lots of children have had experiences with kids their own age.

I wonder if you've ever considered the world view that monogamy is not the only way to be in long term relationship where you are committed to continue the relationship with that person? There are forms of responsible non-monogamy. You mentioned swinging, and that is one type, but for those that crave more emotional or verbal intimacy with multiple partners there is polyamory.

Sex at Dawn is a book that proposes that humans are not naturally monogamous and that monogamy was better suited to agricultural societies that are patriarchal.

More recently a study published found that there is a spectrum just like for sexuality.

I myself am heteroflexible and somewhere between swinger and poly. I don't have a strong desire to love many people equally due to time and energy constraints, but I realize that I am not a monogamous person.

So, how do you feel about people that decide that they are not monogamous, but that they are still ethical and good people?

Speaking of ethical, the ethical slut is a good book.

Thanks for responding.
I've contemplated the possibility that I may just be a person who requires more, but I don't want that to keep me from being able to lead a "normal" life for my husband and kids. My husband told me that I need to be honest with him if that's something that I need and that it may be something that I need and not be realizing it. Now it's just stuck in my brain.

I don't even know how to categorize myself to preference. I've been with women and enjoyed it, but it isn't my preference overall. I'd do it again if the opportunity presented itself to me but I don't have the urge to seek it out. I don't usually have an easy time talking to women, even on a friend basis. I don't keep what they call a "bestie", I usually end up leaving jobs where I have to work close to them because I'm so uncomfortable, awkward and irritated with the way that most of them have been.

Men on the other hand, tend to read me better. If there's tension, it's usually sexual tension and I manage it well most of the time. Most of my good friends are men, but then I tend to sleep with them once they reach the friend status because I desire to know them that way. The best I've ever felt was with a very dear friend of mine whom I can't speak to anymore because of it. (Husband says no after the affair- as he should)

It sounds as though at one time you may have been close to being in the same position? Maybe you're right and I'm not meant to be with just one person. I'm curious if you're married and how you brought this up to your spouse. Was it accepted?

I'll have to look up the book you suggested. Sounds interesting.

Hugs to you. Thank you again for reading my thread.

[Seeking2]

Hey, I'm glad you appreciated my opinion. Non-monogamy isn't a cure-all, to be sure, but I think it would serve some well that aren't allowing themselves to consider one of those as an option after lots of consideration.

I'm not married. I'm now 34. I've been in a relationship with a married woman for 5 years with her husband's consent. I'm one of her 4 partners. He has a couple of partners as well. They do not have children, but there are couples in our poly community that do. Our dinners and meetups are PG, and kids are usually running around on playgrounds while the adults visit and discuss every day life.

The couple with children in my city that are also poly lead quite normal lives other than that they might appear a tad bit more hippie than others in their neighborhood. Some of them are out to their kids, and some are not. The same with their extended family or coworkers.

What's of utmost importance is lots and lots of communication with your partners, especially your hubby. Boundaries and expectations are tools that help couples along. For example, a boundary could be to be home after dates with others by 11pm, and/or you'd have only 1 date night a week. These boundaries can be revisited and discussed after a few months to see how they are suiting you and your hubby.

Another great book is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. She gives overviews of different types of non-monogamous relationships and why each is usually chosen.

If your hubby were into "hot wife" fantasies, you two would be a dream team.

As for polyamory, I've had sex with more people as a single dabbling in swinging than I have since I got involved in a poly relationship. It certainly isn't a sex buffet like some may assume.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Maimster123

Yes my current husband is aware of everything. He's helped a lot. We had a swingers night and while he's open to that he of course isn't open to my having affairs without him. He understands that a sense of "normalcy" is unique to each person but also believes that I should be able to do without other lovers.
I want to provide this for him, but my fear of not being able to literally keeps me in the house.

I think you have gotten very good advice and the book recommendations sound interesting. Maybe read them WITH the H? Since there are soooo many flavors of open relationships, maybe he is into some and you are into others and there is some overlap between you and him (it appears that swingers nights could be that overlap)?

It is quite clear that the current arrangement is doomed - one day you'd leave the house, and... things will start happening. You cannot be under a self-imposed house arrest for the rest of your life, nor would it be "normal" even if you could.

The most problematic in the whole situation is his use of the word "should" when applied to you.

[Maimster123]

You're right, I have gotten some good advice. It's been a few days, the hubs and I have chatted things out and it's possible we have an arrangement that works out for both of us. While we're sitting on the possibility of exploring it together, more talking is of course going to be happening. The last thing I want to do is ruin my marriage.

Thank you both again for your ideas and opinions. At the very least it gave me the courage to bring up the conversation on steady ground.

Just for a differing viewpoint..

It seems from your tone that this is more of a compulsion for you that you can't seem to control....?
In that case it would be an addiction.

So I guess the question becomes: Is this something you HAVE to do, or something you WANT to do?