[needhelp2973]

Ok... I've never done this before nor have I ever expressed these issues to anyone before this post. I really don't know where else to turn. I've tried therapy once before and will never go back. I don't have any friends or family that I could talk to about this and I surely can't bring it up to my fiance (you will see why once you read this)
Ok, well I met my fiance 6 months ago and things have moved pretty fast since. She invited me to move in with her after a couple months of dating and then a couple months after we lived together I proposed to her and now we are engaged. I love her more than I could ever describe and love every second I get to spend with her. I used to feel like she felt the same way but honestly lately she just seems to be settling with me. I know I'm not a great catch... I mean I have a good job, I'm kinda in shape, I'm not ugly but not breathtaking, and i do treat her good. The thing that's just killing me is her past. She's dated alot of guys before me and has had sex with 12 guys before me (that she's admitted to) now that didn't really bother me at first but lately it's all I can think about. Our sex hasn't been great at all and literally it's all that I think about. It's my fault, one: I don't have a big **** (6 inch average I guess) and two: I haven't been able to last long in bed. It never was a problem with my past sexual partners (of which I've only had 2) but now it's a huge problem. I know she's dissapointed with it and why shouldn't she be. I've tried medications, keagles (not sure how it's spelled) and I'm sure the not being able to last longer in bed wouldn't always be a problem bc it never was before and I can do things to make it go away. Anyway what's really just eating me up inside is knowing that she's had so many sexual partners before me that one: I'm sure had much bigger dicks and two: gave her a much better orgasam than I have. If I didn't care so much about her and wasn't crazy in love with her than these things wouldn't bother me nearly as much. I'm so pissed with myself that I even let myself fall in love with her. Now I'm terrified that she will end up cheating on me because I can't live up to her exes.
We don't even have sex that often anymore. To be honest be never really had sex that often bc she's always coming up with excuses to why she can't have sex with me. We've been together for 6 months now and have gone (a few times) over a month without having sex. She knows that I'm always up for sex, but I just gave up on initiating it bc I'm tired of being shut down. She's not really intimate with me at all, I mean we barely kiss, hug or anything that requires affection. I mean a girl (28 years old) who's slept with 12 guys obviously likes sex, so why doesn't she want to have it with me? Now I know I said I haven't been able to last long but I've noticed I've gotten better at that. I honestly just think it was bc i went a couple years without seeing anyone so I kinda fell out of practice. And she knows that, but every time we go a month without it and then just have sex once well, it doesn't help things (with trying to last long).
Also, she knows I'm insecure about my penis and worrying that it's not big enough for her and she has not once tried to reassure me about it. I mean I'm sure she's had plenty of bigger ones before me but she could at least try and give me some sort of confidence. I can tell when we have sex that she doesn't enjoy (my size I guess) even one of the first times we had sex I was fully errect and all the way inside her and she said afterwards "you only had the tip in" any men reading this will know how much that hurt and how badly it stuck to me. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about that. Basically she's saying "I've had much bigger dicks" that statement alone has just killed my manhood and any confidence I ever had.
My ex who I was with for 6 years always told me she loved my penis and it's size saying that it had girth and made her feel great and I believed her. Plus I could definitely tell she enjoyed our sex bc she always wanted it and always had orgasams. I realize she wasn't as experienced (only having 2 partners before me) over my fiance having 12 so maybe that's why? But regardless, she knew how to keep me confident and the result was I was never ever insecure like I am now. I absolutely hate the person I am now. I'm so insecure about myself, I've lost all confidence and I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure I read on this site somewhere that you can't say anything about suicidal thoughts or wanting to hurt yourself so I'm not going to say that I have. I just can't get over this and don't see myself living without her. I don't even know why she wants to marry me... I honestly think she just wants to settle down and she knows I'm a safe bet. Meaning: she knows I wouldn't ever cheat on her, I have a stable job and I'll always treat her right. But if she isn't satisfied sexually with me than its only a matter of time before she's looking for it somewhere else.
Also I'm sorry for jumping back and forth and not staying on subject (like I said I've never posted anything like this before) so I'm just typing what comes in my mind.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. I Mean is there a chance I'll ever recover my confidence with her and be happy or is it a lost cause? There's no way I could ever bring this up to her bc I'm scared she'd be too honest with me. I'm a big believer in not asking questions that your not equipped to handle the answers to. So just any input would be appreciated. Thanks

[CANDC]

Dear needhelp, welcome to PC. Not sure what to say.

[lulula]

Hi! One thing to keep in mind is that your mind will tend to fill in what it's missing whether it is true or not. You need to have a frank discussion about sex with your fiancé. You don't want to be all whiny and insecure but you should let her know that you would like to have more sex. Not talking about and no longer initiating is just going to continue to put distance between you. How do you know she is disappointed?

[hamster-bamster]

I think it is so obvious that you should break up with her at the speed of light that the only question I have is the following: "Why is it not clear to you??"

Take a look at what you wrote:

"I don't even know why she wants to marry me"

Ex gf "knew how to keep me confident and the result was I was never ever insecure like I am now".

"I absolutely hate the person I am now."

You wrote all of that - you did. And in the post, you were only one step away from explaining the root of the problem. First, you described the lack of staying power. Second, you noted that with 2 prior partners, you did not have that problem. Then you wrote about the "only tip there". Then you wrote that ex gf kept you confident and you were never insecure. Then you wrote that now you are always insecure. And you wrote that ex gf genuinely wanted sex with you.

From that it follows as the most likely hypothesis that the put-downs by the fiance and her failure to initiate caused you to lose confidence and become insecure, and that, in turn, caused you to develop a performance anxiety which results in the lack of staying power.

Why did you not connect the dots? Are you severely depressed? Because with the settling down and finances what her ulterior motives seem to be, you were spot on. But you did not conclude that you should break off the engagement.

Since you have only known each other for 6 months, the engagement probably has not been widely announced, but if it has, here is a complication of etiquette tips for your very situation. Good luck! Btw the way you describe the ex gf makes me wonder if she perhaps is available again? She sounds like a someone with a good heart. Unlike the current fiance.

[Webgoji]

Alrighty, penis size is a weak way to satisfaction. Mine is smaller than yours so I got ya beat there. It's for guys that don't know what else to do because just inside (about 2 inches in), the clitoris dips close to the vaginal wall. Now why is this important?

Because someone who knows what to do doesn't need to stick it in and hope he hits the sweet spot. Trust me dude, learn to use your mouth to please her orally and you can make her go blind and unable to speak. I'm not lying. You've got a whole body to work with, but your brain is your best sex organ. Get to know her body and how she acts. Learn to take her to that peak and hold her there and hold her there and hold ...

Now if she's just a size queen ... then she's no good at sex either.

Both of you need to make this relationship more about you both as partners and less about the size of your penis. If you nurture your relationships and learn each other, size will be almost completely irrelevant.

[needhelp2973]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

Alrighty, penis size is a weak way to satisfaction. Mine is smaller than yours so I got ya beat there. It's for guys that don't know what else to do because just inside (about 2 inches in), the clitoris dips close to the vaginal wall. Now why is this important?

Because someone who knows what to do doesn't need to stick it in and hope he hits the sweet spot. Trust me dude, learn to use your mouth to please her orally and you can make her go blind and unable to speak. I'm not lying. You've got a whole body to work with, but your brain is your best sex organ. Get to know her body and how she acts. Learn to take her to that peak and hold her there and hold her there and hold ...

Now if she's just a size queen ... then she's no good at sex either.

Both of you need to make this relationship more about you both as partners and less about the size of your penis. If you nurture your relationships and learn each other, size will be almost completely irrelevant.

Thanks for the reply. Dude I wish I could give her oral bc i love doing that but she has never let me. I practical beg to give her oral but apparently that's not an option. I know that would help things to so it sucks. I never used to be bad at sex whatsoever. Just between going a couple years with out it and now having no confidence... well

[needhelp2973]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

I think it is so obvious that you should break up with her at the speed of light that the only question I have is the following: "Why is it not clear to you??"

Take a look at what you wrote:

"I don't even know why she wants to marry me"

Ex gf "knew how to keep me confident and the result was I was never ever insecure like I am now".

"I absolutely hate the person I am now."

You wrote all of that - you did. And in the post, you were only one step away from explaining the root of the problem. First, you described the lack of staying power. Second, you noted that with 2 prior partners, you did not have that problem. Then you wrote about the "only tip there". Then you wrote that ex gf kept you confident and you were never insecure. Then you wrote that now you are always insecure. And you wrote that ex gf genuinely wanted sex with you.

From that it follows as the most likely hypothesis that the put-downs by the fiance and her failure to initiate caused you to lose confidence and become insecure, and that, in turn, caused you to develop a performance anxiety which results in the lack of staying power.

Why did you not connect the dots? Are you severely depressed? Because with the settling down and finances what her ulterior motives seem to be, you were spot on. But you did not conclude that you should break off the engagement.

Since you have only known each other for 6 months, the engagement probably has not been widely announced, but if it has, here is a complication of etiquette tips for your very situation. Good luck! Btw the way you describe the ex gf makes me wonder if she perhaps is available again? She sounds like a someone with a good heart. Unlike the current fiance.

Thanks for the reply! You really helped me get some insight on this issue. I guess I didn't realize how many negatives I put in there.
And trust me even if my ex was available I would never want to get back with her. There were deeper issues there than her "making me confident" I just don't get what I could be doing wrong with my fiance over my exes. Anyway I appreciate you taking the time to get back to me!

[needhelp2973]

Originally Posted by lulula

Hi! One thing to keep in mind is that your mind will tend to fill in what it's missing whether it is true or not. You need to have a frank discussion about sex with your fiancé. You don't want to be all whiny and insecure but you should let her know that you would like to have more sex. Not talking about and no longer initiating is just going to continue to put distance between you. How do you know she is disappointed?

Thanks for your reply! We have talked about it. I even told her once before why I quit initiating physical contact with her. It helped for a couple weeks and now we are back where we were. I know she's dissapointed with it, she's made several remarks about it (in a joking manner) not realizing how serious I'd be taking it. Plus it's been pretty obvious.

[lulula]

She sounds like a peach. Really it isn't up to her to make you feel confident and secure, it's up to you to make you feel that way. If you don't like how you feel being with her you may need to rethink this marriage. She won't even let you give her oral!!!!! Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. I told my now husband that I didn't like oral when we first started being intimate because I didn't but I hadn't had it from him. I looooove it now but he told me after a few months that it would have been a deal breaker if he couldn't do that. It sounds like she may have jumped into something too fast with you and isn't sure how to get out of it without hurting you. I'm sure she cares about you but the fact that she puts you down says that she resents or just doesn't respect you. Do you really want to start a life like that?

[hamster-bamster]

Etiquette for Breaking Off an Engagement

[Webgoji]

I've got to agree with Lulula and Hamster-Bamster ... maybe it's best if you didn't get married. Not saying it's with you, but as Marcellus said, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

It's just a gut feeling, but I'm worried she's gonna break your heart dude.

[hamster-bamster]

I just want to add that if you do marry her, and, as you are correct to predict, she starts sleeping around, you should not attribute that fact to the size of your penis. This girl clearly assigned you the role of a stability pillar in her life, and nothing else. So in that sense, given that a pillar has a phallic shape, you are the strongest of all her male partners . But she has not assigned the role of a lover to you so that role would then need to be filled by another, or many others.

You do not have to participate in her plan - you can break off the engagement - but if you willingly submit yourself as a participant in her plan and design, then at least "get" what is going on and refrain from making incorrect conclusions.

It is possible to figure out what she wants and what kind of person she is in more concrete terms, but I am not sure if you'd be able to pull it off. I think a complete disengagement from her and just licking your wounds of unrequited love in solitude would be far safer options for her. But if you want to try figuring her out better, you need to stop being precisely whom she assigned you to be - the main pillar of her stability. What is the opposite of stability? Uncertainty.

So if you postpone the wedding, that would be awesome. why so? because following through with the wedding AND calling it off entirely both provide concrete answers, i.e. stability. postponing the wedding introduces uncertainty and equivocates.

Stop pursuing her sexually. Stop being needy. Stop all of that.

Move out if you can.

Get a timer application if you do not already have it.

If you receive any kind of a communication from her (SMS, email, VM) set a timer for 2 hours. When the timer rings, answer the communication.

Next day, set the timer for 2 hrs 47 mins. The day after, for 1 hr 51 mins.

You get the point.

If she asks you for something that requires a time commitment at a set time, never commit right away. Instead, say that you need to check your schedule/

I do not have time to write much more and am positive that you got the gist of it.

If you can pull it off, then you might learn a lot about this woman.

[RedSun]

The fact that this is all on your mind, that you've plucked up the courage to write this post, and that you are so focused on pleasing her suggests that you are trying to get it all right.
A relationship is a partnership, you have to both want to try, not use put downs to make the other person feel insecure.
It's possible that she is playing out some insecurities of her own with you. But still, IMHO this is not a good start to a marriage. As webgoji points out, there are many ways to truly satisfy someone, it sounds like she's angry at something and using this weak spot to bring you down. You deserve the chance to have a loving, fulfilling marriage with someone who cherishes you and will let you cherish her...and give her oral!!

[bixkf]

I'm sorry for being a little late to the topic, but I've been away due to my mother-in-law passing away.

However, I have read your thread and I completely understand how easy it is to lose confidence in yourself, your relationship, your sex life. They are all so much intertwined, and we all from time to time believe that one is a direct reflection of the others.

I don't want to say too much on the decision to marry or not, but at the very beginning of a life-long relationship with an already tenuous sex life will be difficult especially if you believe that your partner would likely sex satisfaction elsewhere. It can though, provide you both with the "one thing" that you both are "Working On", and could actually be something that binds you both together.

I find it a little difficult to understand why you are self-conscious of your penis. At 6" you are larger than the average (which is 5-5.5"). I personally have 5" and that's on a day I'm feeling generous. What I do see in your post is that you appear to have insecurities about your experience versus your partner's. You're believing that you can't do what her previous partners did. I went through a very similar stage, my wife had been previously married and had likely had 20+ sexual partners in her life. Me, on the other hand, I had only had sex about 12 times ever, but only twice with girls and the rest with guys. Talk about NOT knowing what to do with a women. My wife found it fun for the first couple of years, always taking the lead. I never did learn how to initiate and satisfy a woman. So as she became tired of this, sex became scarce since I really didn't get it.

To complicate matter, I injured my back at work and lost feeling in my feet, parts of my legs, as well as my penis and scrotum. At that point, my confidence as a man tanked...why even think about sex with my wife...I didn't know how to satisfy her with a working penis, how could I possibly do it without? I even got so down that I was seriously considering leaving my wife to find a guy to be with because I know I can satisfy a guy even without a working penis.

BUT, I didn't. I asked for help. I talked to a therapist and the one single most important thing she told me was that I didn't have to have an orgasm in order to be intimate and be satisfied sexually. You know...that's easy to say, but hard to understand. Believe me though...it took a long while to come to grips with it. My wife and I were at a point where sex occurred maybe 3-4 times a year. But one day, when conditions were good (no kids, no schedule) we managed to "mutually initiate" sex, and even though I couldn't feel or ejaculate, I had what I consider to be one of the best sex events of my life. I managed to put aside my worries and concerns and just focused on her. I could have gone for an hour, I was using my disability as an advantage, and my wife was completely satisfied as a result. This was a turning point for me.

I know that this topic is about you, but I wrote to convey that if one guy with a 5" penis, who can't feel it or always ejaculate, who's primary previous sexual experience was gay sex, can actually work through all that and remain in a faithful, committed and loving relationship for almost 20 years with his wife, then I have complete faith in your ability to do the same. We don't always see eye to eye on everything, but my life is better with her than without. I hope you can find the same.

Good luck.