[Emily_Strange]

tl;dr: Has anyone also struggled with sex exploration as an act of youthful insecurity, and eventually been able to enjoy kink (or even just sex!) for all the right reasons?

Context: I left kink a few years ago. In my youth, I made the common mistake of acquiesing to the belief that sex - and lots of it, even better when extreme, is compulsatory for societal approval. I had wrongly percieved it as a requirement to be a better woman (while a girl) because society seemed to deem it so. I passed it off as being sex positive, novel, and liberated when it wasnt, with Ethical Slut in tow. Now nearing 30 with brazen confidence, I've long out grown such insecurities. I dont find myself craving frequent or kinky sex. Loving vanilla sex is what I had always really wanted, and I'm not ashamed to finally admit that and ask for it. I feel really in touch with who I am. Now, I have a loving partner who feels like I should give kink a chance because it's a positive way to express or explore anxiety/insecurity. I feel like I grew out of kink and would prefer to do such important reflective explorations through writing or art. I only perform kink because it's (understandably) uncomfortable for my S.O to be vanilla 24/7, as much as it is for me to perform kink as an older me. He thinks I am being negative towards kink by not trying to find something good in it for myself. I genuinely believe I cant. Perhaps this belief makes me a victim of patriarchy, when in another life I'd get more out of kink.

I'm really interested to hear about other people's positive sexual explorations despite the patriarchy thing, or if anyone can simply relate to my super cliche story

-E

[toolman65]

i really don't this has anything to do with patriarchy or feminism or Cosmo magazine telling you what you should be.

You did the kink thing and found that it didn't give you what you really craved; intimacy and love.

Now that you have found intimacy with a loving partner, kink doesn't matter much. You are fine with vanilla. Your partner isn't. You want different things, that's all.

I think you two must have a dialogue about this. Your desire for vanilla may be causing him to feel resentful. His desire for kink may be causing you anxiety. Whatever the outcome, you should both stay focused on YOUR relationship. And stop being so concerned about what society thinks....which, ironically, is what got you into kink in the first place.

[Yismymindblank12]

As a guy, I find this intriguing, because I thought of it the same way as guy. Didn't think anyone had this same thought to it as I did, but from your perspective. I've came to the same conclusion, but in my experience. I had to admit, about not just being real with myself of understanding a lot of things I have insecurities over and decide to fix them instead of using kink as an outlet.
Tbh, my other insecurity I haven't had enough of it or the experience of I would like just for the fun of it. I feel left out, and rather want to be more influenced by it to help me understand what I like for me out of it.
I'm not too inexperienced with kink, but I definitely see your perspective.

How I now look at kink as an outlet not for looking for the reasons of intimacy or finding yourself. Rather I want to do for the fun of it, let it be an experience just as it is. Than searching any other than that. That's what I chose to do in my experience I wish the best of luck to you.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by Emily_Strange

I left kink a few years ago. In my youth, I made the common mistake of acquiesing to the belief that sex - and lots of it, even better when extreme, is compulsatory for societal approval. I had wrongly percieved it as a requirement to be a better woman (while a girl) because society seemed to deem it so. I passed it off as being sex positive, novel, and liberated when it wasnt, with Ethical Slut in tow.

So long story short, it simply wasn't for you and you were only doing it because of pressure from the subculture you are a part of. Makes sense.

Originally Posted by Emily_Strange

Now, I have a loving partner who feels like I should give kink a chance because it's a positive way to express or explore anxiety/insecurity.

He thinks I am being negative towards kink by not trying to find something good in it for myself. Perhaps this belief makes me a victim of patriarchy, when in another life I'd get more out of kink.

This is exactly the pressure you just said you quit doing kinky things for in the first place. It's got nothing to do with ... patriachy? ... anyway. This sounds like more of a relationship issue. Like Toolman65 said, you both need to be on the same page and have this conversation. You shouldn't be pressured to do something you don't want to do and there are things you could both be doing to fulfill each others needs without pressuring one another.

Don't blame this on outside forces and make sure you both get what you need from the relationship without feeling pressured or coerced into doing things you don't want to do.

[Patagonia]

What about talking w/ him? Maybe an open relationship? He can get his kink needs met somewhere else, but still have a vanilla relationship.
I know this isn't for everybody & I'm not saying this is the magical answer but just something else to think & talk about. IMHO