Turns out I'm the Trigger

So I've mentioned how my wife's libido seemed to suddenly disappear around the first part of last October. After hormone level checks, medication checks, etc, she finally let the cat out of the bag; it's me.

During the time I was taking venlafaxine, I had to fight with anorgasmia. At the time, it made her feel like she wasn't doing a good job sexually. Through this, I ended up developing performance anxiety so when I switched to Viibryd, I began to be able to have an orgasm, but still not through vaginal penetration. A combination of delayed ejaculation due to antidepressants, age and performance anxiety leave me still unable to orgasm through normal penetration.

So in October, even though I thought things were on the mend, Mrs Webgoji fell over the top. The mere thought of sex left her filled with anxiety and worry and her libido suffered mightily. Just walking in the door she would start dreading if I wanted to be intimate. Since then, it's only gotten worse.

I'm not really sure what, if anything, can be done. We're still going to therapy (have been for almost 2 years) and doing lots of relationship work, but I guess the only thing to do is remember some advice from Shantideva:

Please be honest with each other. Sometimes the truth hurts, but we can't solve a problem that doesn't exist.

So 'ya had some not so great moments. No reason that cannot be rebuilt between you.

It's been more than a few not-so-great moments to me.

At the same time, hopefully she'll come to realize that though we as a societal whole are taught time and again that men are visual beings, there's a slight fallacy to that truth.

Maybe it would help if you guys tried being intimate with eachother without letting the intimacy lead to sex? It could help rekindle the flame in a way that feels safe for both of you. At any rate I think the key is communication and intimacy. Without those, sex becomes very difficult in a long-term relationship. Speaking from experience.

Well, that's the thing. My wife isn't touchy-feely and doesn't give compliments easily. So I don't get my intimacy fix without sex. (Seriously, she's the only woman I've ever heard of that thinks foreplay is locking the bedroom door.) It would be great to cuddle or flirt or something like that, but that doesn't and hasn't ever really happened. Now that I'm a trigger stopping sex, the intimacy is completely gone. She's on her side of the couch and I'm on mine.

I talked her into a 14 Days of Honesty exercise so hopefully that will help. I had to stop pushing the Love Language things because it made matters worse. Basically I'm floundering right now, hopefully this 14 Days exercise and more counseling will help.

I hope she realizes that she needs to make an effort too. Sorry you are going through this.

Our therapist suggested this weekend that she should consider more individual therapy for her. We talked about how last week I left my wife a little hand-written love letter and put chocolates on her pillow in the shape of a heart. The therapist asked what my wife had done to reciprocate (which I don't expect, I do those things to make her feel special) and my wife responded, "Nothing, I was just living in my own little world."

So hopefully we're moving forward, but it looks like a long hill to climb.