[solidsex]

We're not together yet, cos he's away now, but when he comes back he's going to get touchy all over again. I like holding hands, hug, kiss, masturbating him (I don't mind, really), but when he touches my boobs, *** and pus', I freak out a bit. He sometimes talks about sex, too. And we did cunnilingus once, and he was sad that I didn't suck his. And I won't. Ever. Sry.
We did this for like a month, and I allowed him. Once I freaked out because I felt like he's violating my private space, and we decided to remain friends. My therapist encouraged me to do whatever we like, cos we're young, but that's not ok, imo. I need to be treated with respect. Now it's the second time we're discussing this with him, and we will take it a little bit slow now when he comes back, in 2 months.
The thing is, he's a really sensitive guy, a nice one, too. A smart, kind, and attractive 16 years old boy. I'm 17 and half. It's gonna be my first relationship, but I worry that I will ruin something. Like, what if he touches my boobs and I will tell him to stop? He's going to be disappointed, even angry. He will think I don't like him. He's gonna be extremely depressed and will go home, leaving me guilty. Or maybe it's my imagination... He's always saying he cares about me. Last time we discussed this, he understood and we became friends instead of lovers. He was really caring and loving and was sorry that he hurt me with that "touchy" behavior. But we have gone so far since then, he licked my p**sy, for God's sake! How is he gonna behave if I suddenly tell him to stop. I'm so afraid and guilty. I want to satisfy my man. I can't stand seeing him sad.
And I have this irrational fear that he is gonna force me or something, which I know that won't happen. It's just, I had a sad childhood next to my aggressive dad, and now I'm afraid of all man/boys. I don't know how to say no, I don't know how to express my dislikes. I just freeze and feel guilty. What's wrong with me? Why don't I like to be touched, I'm a teenager, I should love sexual things! Or am I just wishing for a more meaningful relationship? Am I a bit closed? But I just panic when it's about sexual things. I would love to do them, but when he's here and touches me I just want to run away, I'm afraid, I don't know where he's going. I'm just not ready I guess. But I would like to open up a bit. He rushes these things so much, or maybe it's just me. I think it's my fault because I always let him do anything he wants with my body, because I'm guilty if I don't. What can I do?

[LiteraryLark]

Stop. Stop. Just stop.

#1. You're 17. He's 16. You are minors. There can be legal consequences because of this.

#2. You said nothing about past abuse. Either you were abused and are afraid of sex because of this or you are not ready for sex.

You do not sound like you are ready for sex. You sound like you have NO IDEA about what it means to be sexual or intimate with someone, and you have these made up ideas about how he thinks of you which to me sounds like he is not abusing you or treating you with disrespect. You are not establishing boundaries, and you are placing the guilt on him which is HIGHLY unfair. If you do not tell him that you do not like when he touches you, then he will never treat you the way you want to be treated.

In my opinion, you should not be having sex. If you cannot handle having sex or being intimate...then DON'T be intimate! If he is a sensitive caring guy you will make him feel miserable if you don't tell him what he should or shouldn't do and because of your immaturity you will let him hurt you. He is not the one with the behavioral problem. How on earth is he supposed to know that he is hurting you if you don't tell him to!?

You're not ready for sex, so tell him you're not ready to be intimate.

[Artchic528]

^Agreed 100%

[Big Mama]

Mrs.Solidsex I can understand how you feel. I am very much the same way. The only difference is I am 40 years old. I think some people just do not like lots of touching. My Husband does and I do not.

I disagree with your therapist saying this is a time to experiment and what ever goes. That in my opinion can be very damaging. This is a time to set boundaries and learn about yourself and what you do and do not like.

I have been threw some difficult things in my life. Child sexual abuse being one of them. It may just be me, but it sounds like having an aggressive dad is not the only thing you may have experienced that leads to these feeling that you have towards men/boys. But again that may be just me projecting what happened to me onto others.

I do know that I can handle limited amount of touching but I cannot handle sexual touching very well. I let my Husband touch me in those ways but it is very difficult for me to tolerate it. If he touches my breasts I totally freeze. It just sends my my mind to a very bad place. And my private parts, well lets just not even go there. In the 20 years we have been married I have given him oral sex maybe 5 times. It is just something I don't like due to the abuse. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. Just because there are things you do not like doesn't mean that this relationship will come to an end.

In my opinion you just need to talk to him and tell him that these things are your preference. Just like a food he may like and you do not. It has nothing to do with him and it is not caused by something he said or did. You are very young, and often times things that are not so wanted will be wanted at another time. As you spend time, lots of time, together. Maybe after a few years or after marriage your opinion and your level of trust will have changed. Or you may be like me and oral sex is never something you will want to participate in. Along with having your breasts touched or anything else you may not like.

You need to learn to enjoy the things you can enjoy. Embrace that and take things one small step at a time when going out of your comfort zone.

[solidsex]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

Stop. Stop. Just stop.

#1. You're 17. He's 16. You are minors. There can be legal consequences because of this.

#2. You said nothing about past abuse. Either you were abused and are afraid of sex because of this or you are not ready for sex.

You do not sound like you are ready for sex. You sound like you have NO IDEA about what it means to be sexual or intimate with someone, and you have these made up ideas about how he thinks of you which to me sounds like he is not abusing you or treating you with disrespect. You are not establishing boundaries, and you are placing the guilt on him which is HIGHLY unfair. If you do not tell him that you do not like when he touches you, then he will never treat you the way you want to be treated.

In my opinion, you should not be having sex. If you cannot handle having sex or being intimate...then DON'T be intimate! If he is a sensitive caring guy you will make him feel miserable if you don't tell him what he should or shouldn't do and because of your immaturity you will let him hurt you. He is not the one with the behavioral problem. How on earth is he supposed to know that he is hurting you if you don't tell him to!?

You're not ready for sex, so tell him you're not ready to be intimate.

In my country sex is legal from 15, not 18.

[solidsex]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

Mrs.Solidsex I can understand how you feel. I am very much the same way. The only difference is I am 40 years old. I think some people just do not like lots of touching. My Husband does and I do not.

I disagree with your therapist saying this is a time to experiment and what ever goes. That in my opinion can be very damaging. This is a time to set boundaries and learn about yourself and what you do and do not like.

I have been threw some difficult things in my life. Child sexual abuse being one of them. It may just be me, but it sounds like having an aggressive dad is not the only thing you may have experienced that leads to these feeling that you have towards men/boys. But again that may be just me projecting what happened to me onto others.

I do know that I can handle limited amount of touching but I cannot handle sexual touching very well. I let my Husband touch me in those ways but it is very difficult for me to tolerate it. If he touches my breasts I totally freeze. It just sends my my mind to a very bad place. And my private parts, well lets just not even go there. In the 20 years we have been married I have given him oral sex maybe 5 times. It is just something I don't like due to the abuse. I have been married to my husband for 20 years. Just because there are things you do not like doesn't mean that this relationship will come to an end.

In my opinion you just need to talk to him and tell him that these things are your preference. Just like a food he may like and you do not. It has nothing to do with him and it is not caused by something he said or did. You are very young, and often times things that are not so wanted will be wanted at another time. As you spend time, lots of time, together. Maybe after a few years or after marriage your opinion and your level of trust will have changed. Or you may be like me and oral sex is never something you will want to participate in. Along with having your breasts touched or anything else you may not like.

You need to learn to enjoy the things you can enjoy. Embrace that and take things one small step at a time when going out of your comfort zone.

I think I just need to spend more time with him, but he rushes these things. And when I tell him he gets hysterical and I freeze and end up doing what he wants to calm him down. :/

[Douglas MacNeill]

Originally Posted by solidsex

We're not together yet, cos he's away now, but when he comes back he's going to get touchy all over again. I like holding hands, hug, kiss, masturbating him (I don't mind, really), but when he touches my boobs, *** and pus', I freak out a bit. He sometimes talks about sex, too. And we did cunnilingus once, and he was sad that I didn't suck his. And I won't. Ever. Sry.
We did this for like a month, and I allowed him. Once I freaked out because I felt like he's violating my private space, and we decided to remain friends. My therapist encouraged me to do whatever we like, cos we're young, but that's not ok, imo. I need to be treated with respect. Now it's the second time we're discussing this with him, and we will take it a little bit slow now when he comes back, in 2 months.
The thing is, he's a really sensitive guy, a nice one, too. A smart, kind, and attractive 16 years old boy. I'm 17 and half. It's gonna be my first relationship, but I worry that I will ruin something. Like, what if he touches my boobs and I will tell him to stop? He's going to be disappointed, even angry. He will think I don't like him. He's gonna be extremely depressed and will go home, leaving me guilty. Or maybe it's my imagination... He's always saying he cares about me. Last time we discussed this, he understood and we became friends instead of lovers. He was really caring and loving and was sorry that he hurt me with that "touchy" behavior. But we have gone so far since then, he licked my p**sy, for God's sake! How is he gonna behave if I suddenly tell him to stop. I'm so afraid and guilty. I want to satisfy my man. I can't stand seeing him sad.
And I have this irrational fear that he is gonna force me or something, which I know that won't happen. It's just, I had a sad childhood next to my aggressive dad, and now I'm afraid of all man/boys. I don't know how to say no, I don't know how to express my dislikes. I just freeze and feel guilty. What's wrong with me? Why don't I like to be touched, I'm a teenager, I should love sexual things! Or am I just wishing for a more meaningful relationship? Am I a bit closed? But I just panic when it's about sexual things. I would love to do them, but when he's here and touches me I just want to run away, I'm afraid, I don't know where he's going. I'm just not ready I guess. But I would like to open up a bit. He rushes these things so much, or maybe it's just me. I think it's my fault because I always let him do anything he wants with my body, because I'm guilty if I don't. What can I do?

As for me, I'm in the situation where even non-sexual touching can make
me feel uneasy, tighten up, not relax when being held, and so on. (I wonder
if that happens to you in non-sexual family contexts.) As for freezing up, I
experience that all the time across most of my social relationships--even
after finding out that some people can and do modify how they talk to me
so that I do regain a relaxed state when they talk.

I don't know all the answers, but I'm here for you. You're entering the place
where any relationship that can be called intimate starts. Take it one
day at a time. And never be ashamed or afraid to ask me or my peers on
this forum for help.

[JaGo]

Originally Posted by solidsex

I think I just need to spend more time with him, but he rushes these things. And when I tell him he gets hysterical and I freeze and end up doing what he wants to calm him down. :/

He gets hysterical? That is not okay. If you're the one feeling uncomfortable and he's upsetting you even more, that's a big problem.

Not to mention the fact that you have to give in to calm him down is outright manipulative.

How much do you really like this guy? You seem sure that he's a good guy but you seem scared of him. As mentioned previously in this thread, it's very possible that you just aren't ready for sex. Maybe the problem is you don't want to have sex with him. (It sounds like you're scared of him, which would pretty clearly explain the disdain of being touched) But either way, if you can't have a rational conversation with him about your feelings and insecurities without him getting upset then things are only going to get worse.

[Imah]

I did things for guys to make them happy. I have zero happy memories or feelings about it. Girls/woman are trained to make a mate happy. But we aren't trained to pick a mate we want to be with. When your really in love, you will feel it totally, and nothing will be yucky. This guy isn't really into how you feel, cause he wants you to feel the way he wants you to feel. You need to be with somebody who wants to know what you REALLY feel like. Dump him. Your heart is screaming to your head that you don't really like this guy, and you feel like you don't want to do these things. Don't. Listen to yourself. Be your own best friend, don't fight your feelings. Be You!

[ClippedWings12]

Do you think there's a chance that you may be asexual? For an asexual person, it's perfectly not to desire sex at all. Regardless, you should explain to your boyfriend that you're uncomfortable, and that you're not ready to have sex yet. In fact, you might not ever be ready, and if so, that's okay. Everyone's different. Just don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Any sex that you have should be something you want too, and on your own terms.

-CW