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(1) No sex partner, so it's masturbation for me.
(2) My back and neck hurt the following day often.
(3) Probably an addict. I sometimes waste hours. I often feel more alive while masturbating, but I am addicted I think. Partly it is an escape.
(4) Acetylcholine seems to be a huge factor in my depression, and this seems to be related to sexual behavior too. I wonder if my sexual addiction over many years has created the acetylcholine imbalances.

I thought I had low libido, but apparently it is all in my head. I feel no enthusiasm for masturbation. I have noticed that feelings of sexual frustration coincide with feelings of depression and just blanking-out all the time. I am almost 50, so it isn't that hard to say "no" to sex now. (When I was younger it seemed impossible.)

A couple of weeks ago, I masturbated and looked at porn for several hours over a couple of days, and realized that I am still capable of that addictive and excessive behavior. I also had an excellent realization about the meaning of my life a couple of days following. That realization, explains a lot of anger and bitterness I have felt, and it seemed to go away. So that was good.

So I don't know if I should try to be celibate or try to have more sex. I have never felt comfortable with sex of any kind, but I suspect I would qualify as an addict. I have never had as much sex as most people. I'm just confused and tired.

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^ A few more data points:
(5) Several years ago, I became suspicious that demons were brainwashing me in my dreams at night, because I would sometimes catch them red-handed (apparently). I have never been a church-goer and usually I am sort of agnostic, but I have had several strange experiences in my life that have made me susceptible to magical thinking. I was somewhat addicted to alcohol. I was constantly sipping a drink from sun-up to sun-down at that time in my life. Suddenly I decided to stop drinking and also abstain from masturbation. It seemed surprisingly easy, but then a couple of weeks later, I went to visit a friend, and I became psychotic. I am still trying to get back to my old self today (5 years later). ... So I have wondered if abstaining from sex contributed to the breakdown. I don't remember any particular difficulty, but who knows. I had not actually started abstaining from alcohol yet. I had stopped drinking for a couple of weeks, and then I drank a lot over the weekend with my friend with the intention of quitting permanently afterwards.
(6) Those demons in my dreams that I suspect might exist seem to be connected with addictive behaviors (alcohol and porn) and depression.
(7) I have the tendencies to "delusional disorder" that makes magical thinking an issue, so the demons in my dreams may not be good for me to believe in.

Sorry, I know that some of the things I say sound wacko. I don't actually believe them most of the time, but sometimes I do and they can become distracting and distressing.

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^ Thanks to anybody who reads all that LOL. I know it is hard to offer advice. Everybody must find their own balance and their own beliefs I suppose. I am very tired and trying to reevaluate things after my recent positive progress in therapy.

[WhatDayIsItAgain]

Hello
I think it is great you talk about the magical thinking aspect. I have had auditory hallucinations for a long time but since I was attacked (3mo ago) I have just started up with the visual kind (while Im awake, not sleeping). I think I see people no one else sees but they can talk and see me. They seem more real that I do to me. It undermines my efforts to trust anyone, real or not, including myself (are they hallucinating us or do we hallucinate them?... type of fear-distrust problems)

I worry they might be demons pretending to be people but they look and sound like people to me. No horns, hooves, or other obvious signs... but I "know" they are mean and evil, but they smile and talk nice in a tricky demon way... does that happen to you? I have tried to point them out to a stranger/witness but they told me I was crazy so I don't do that anymore. I just smile and nod politely instead of converse or react, so I don't upset anyone else... do you ever do that too?

I know we are not exactly the same but I felt better knowing we have a similiar challenge in our lives. Thanks for your post.

PS I am sexually dysfunctional (long time- not just 3mo) so I do not have any advice to share until I have some success in that area. I only masturbate 10 min and I am done for a couple weeks at least. I could not imagine doing that for hours or even one full hour... yikes...(to me that seems excessive, but I admit not being "well" myself in that area)... or ever wanting to watch others do it at all even for two minutes (I have porn adversion not addiction).

So the part about magical thinking and believing in demons.... I can relate to that alot.
Thanks again.

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Originally Posted by WhatDayIsItAgain

Hello
I think it is great you talk about the magical thinking aspect. I have had auditory hallucinations for a long time but since I was attacked (3mo ago) I have just started up with the visual kind (while Im awake, not sleeping). I think I see people no one else sees but they can talk and see me. They seem more real that I do to me. It undermines my efforts to trust anyone, real or not, including myself (are they hallucinating us or do we hallucinate them?... type of fear-distrust problems)

I worry they might be demons pretending to be people but they look and sound like people to me. No horns, hooves, or other obvious signs... but I "know" they are mean and evil, but they smile and talk nice in a tricky demon way... does that happen to you? I have tried to point them out to a stranger/witness but they told me I was crazy so I don't do that anymore. I just smile and nod politely instead of converse or react, so I don't upset anyone else... do you ever do that too?

I know we are not exactly the same but I felt better knowing we have a similiar challenge in our lives. Thanks for your post.

PS I am sexually dysfunctional (long time- not just 3mo) so I do not have any advice to share until I have some success in that area. I only masturbate 10 min and I am done for a couple weeks at least. I could not imagine doing that for hours or even one full hour... yikes...(to me that seems excessive, but I admit not being "well" myself in that area)... or ever wanting to watch others do it at all even for two minutes (I have porn adversion not addiction).

So the part about magical thinking and believing in demons.... I can relate to that alot.
Thanks again.

Yep, that all sounds very familiar to me except that it sounds like this is much more frequent for you. For me these things happened very frequent for a week or two and then only every couple of months for a year. I sat through a church liturgy with a guy beside me that I felt was a demon. I was the only person in the pew, but this guy slid all the way down to be next to me, and then he kept doing strange things. That is the only time that I actually saw a person that I felt was a demon. I asked my priest the next week if he noticed this guy, because he shook hands with my priest at the end. Usually people don't shake hands with the priest in that church. They take the blessed bread and kiss the cross he is holding. The priest said he didn't notice him. Actually up until that time, I thought he was demon possessed, but when the priest didn't see him, I began wondering if he was invisible to other people - therefore a demon. Interestingly, the entire pew behind me was filled with people who I felt were angels. They were dressed like early 1900s and their demeanor was the opposite. The "demon" wanted to shake hands with one of the "angels" before the service, and the "angel" simply ignored him.

Another time I saw a guy who I felt was a saint or an angel. Again it was in a church, and he seemed far more "holy" than anybody else there. Outwardly he was a normal person. When I saw him, I instantly felt he was from a foreign country. That was a very interesting religious experience. It was like the whole thing was a set-up to force me into a situation where I had to confront an issue about the meaning of communion. Everybody was gathering in a circle to hold hands, and this holy person came seemingly from nowhere to hold hands beside me. Then I had a vision that could have meant different things.

Usually the demons seem to be in my dreams. For example, I awoke from a dream where I was brutally murdering my beloved cat without the slightest bit of feeling. Where do dreams like that come from? I suspect these demon-like entities can influence my dreams to make me wake up feeling depressed. I also suspect that they feed off sexual energies somehow. When I decided to stop looking at pornography and drinking, these demons became upset and made me have a psychotic breakdown. That is one of my theories.

It is interesting that you have been sexual dysfunctional for many years. I suspect abstinence from sex might make people more aware.

I hope you are getting treatment too. Even if some of my ideas are valid, I know that many of them are delusional. You seem to have been through a very bad thing with your attack, and you are having more psychosis that I ever had. I don't know if any of these things are real, but it is nice that I am not the only person who experiences them.

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^ The silly part is that I am not very religious. I usually consider myself an atheist or agnostic. I was having religiosity a few years ago, but I am not that way normally. I hope God is real - even though I know there are many arguments against His existence. He seems very wonderful the few times I thought I experienced Him in various ways.

[Artchic528]

I'm sorry you feel conflicted over sex. IMHO, addiction is, in itself, a demon. It dictates when you'll take time out of your day to get your next fix of whatever it is you're addicted to. Regardless of how important the task your doing is. You're just consumed with the next time you'll get to have that oh so lovely fix. You'll lose focus, lose a grasp on reality, and you're only really meaning in life is that next fix.

It doesn't matter what your addiction is, alcohol, sex, cigarettes, it's always going to get to the point where you don't care what happens to both yourself or anyone else, as long as you get that next fix. So, yeah. Addiction, in and of itself, is one whopper of a demon.

Now, I'm not saying this demon has any religious connotation attached to it, I'm referring to it as more so an inner demon, a living breathing monster that lives inside you. Maybe that's what you're experiencing with your alcoholism. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is also known to be a huge buzzkill when trying to get off. It causes men to have trouble with getting and maintaining erections, and limits a woman's chances of arousing to the point of climax. Not only that, but it dehydrates both sexes so they can't produce near enough liquid, either lubrications for the female and seminal fluid in the male, and failure rates are high.

Did I also mention it tend to make people black or pass out, sometimes before they can get into the act? What's the point in having sex, if you pass out before you even start? Or how about not even remembering it? Sure, complete black outs are rare, but they happen more frequently with alcoholics than casual drinkers.

So, all in all, I think alcohol may play a huge part in that break down you had at your friend's place, and why you are having these "demonic" visions whilst dreaming. It's your subconscious telling you your alcoholism is becoming a demonic presence inside you, consuming you, and that enough is enough.

Have you been to therapy? Do you have a therapist? If so, have you discussed these with them? If you don't have a therapist, maybe you should think about finding one. I know it's helped me when I was in dire straights.

Good luck and remember, sex isn't the enemy, it's actually very natural and very common. Every adult I know of masturbates. I don't know if you're an addict of sex, per say, as everyone has that desire to satiate that need to orgasm. However, it's when it becomes all consuming and you don't do anything else but think about that next fix, and have fixes multiple times a day, then maybe it's time to consult a therapist on how to get better and resume a normal healthy life sans the addiction.

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Thanks, @Artchic528
When I had the breakdown in 2009, I was too afraid to drink, and so far I have not resumed that habit. I hope that I never go back to drinking, because it was so harmful to me. I much prefer to be a non-drinker.

I have been going to a therapist weekly for the past year. The therapy has seemed useless, but I am glad I kept trying. Only two weeks ago due to a huge amount of stress, I had a very amazing insight into my life. I have been incredibly bitter for a decision I made 15 years ago to give up my career in Silicon Valley and work in my family's small business, and this bitterness was poisonous. Suddenly I realized that I am glad I made that decision, because it allowed me to see my father more before he died, and it has allowed me to see more of other family members. It is so much easier to live with a good decision than to try to forgive myself for what seemed to be a ruinous decision. With the bitterness gone, all the other problems have shrunk to manageable size. I am trying not to let old habits of thought return. I hope I can change my outlook on life permanently. Maybe the therapy will finally start helping me more.

On the sex, I don't know what to think. I have no sex partner, and I don't anticipate that changing. It would be a whole different thing if I was trying to make another person happy through sex. I can see how that is more healthy.

[Artchic528]

Like the UK council once said via a health awareness pamphlet: An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. So yeah, nothing wrong with a little self loving during the day.

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Originally Posted by Artchic528

Like the UK council once said via a health awareness pamphlet: An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away. So yeah, nothing wrong with a little self loving during the day.

LOL Whenever I hear that recommendation, it makes me aware that I have a lower libido than many people, but I know there are a lot of variations among individuals - probably because sex is such a psychological thing.