[silkit]

My partner and I both have severe anxiety, and we both have some form of PTSD (a part of mine partly relates to sex and physical contact). When we're fooling around and getting in the mood, it's hard for me to quiet my brain enough to enjoy myself. I think I'm starting to develop a drinking habit because of it, honestly (I drink in order to try and relax myself enough to have a good time). But even when I'm relaxed enough, my partner seems to have trouble relaxing, too, which usually ends up with one of us a crying mess because of anxious feelings of hurting one another or "not being good enough" or not actually finishing... That last one mainly because he's never actually finished while inside me, and we haven't even reached a climax together in several years now.

Does anyone else experience this? Are there any methods we can use to try and relax? Should we try to "start over from scratch"?

[PandorasAquarium]

Honestly I only visited this board because of a similar issue. I don't think the cause is the same, but the results are equally unhappy. I've got chronic pelvic pain issues that have really been detrimental for us. I have tried everything I can think of, from physical therapy (helped physically, harmed mentally), to reading romance novels (not my style, but I was just seeing if I had any libido left at all - I do), talked to him about trust and his own hygiene, you name it. Nothing helps. It's so bad now that the only man on the planet that I am attracted to (my husband) actually repels me. It's weird. I know it's a fear thing. I just don't know if we are too far gone.

I don't actually have any answers. In fact, I'm downright desperate for help myself. After 6 years of a pretty darn happy sex life with my D.H. that last 2 have been a downward spiral. I kept begging him to have therapy with me. When he finally agreed, it was/is just too late, I think. Its like my PTSD and his fear of hurting me more has destroyed every last vestige of sexual pleasure between us. I am devestated. Anyway, I'll probably start my own thread if I can work up the nerve to put it out there, so i really don't mean to hijack yours. I just wanted to pop in and say that you're not alone in this and see what others have to say.

Also, I keep thinking about that whole starting over idea. But how do you do that? I just don't know. I want to give up, because the fight is just so disheartening. I want to be touched, but then my PTSD kicks in and I dissociate. It's awful. I'm sorry you're going through something like this too.

[silkit]

Thank you for replying, and I can assure you this thread is open to you and your problem too! I'm sorry you're going through it too, and it seems like your struggle has progressed more than mine has, and mine's just getting started...

As for starting over, I'm not all too sure how it would work. It might even be a little silly, if I'm being honest. My theory is this: Pretend like it's the first time you're with your partner (in your case, your husband). Look at them, and see them as a whole new person. Be shy about holding hands, be embarrassed by those "first" little kisses. Take it slow, over the next several weeks, slowly work your way up through the tiers of sexual activity (i.e., 1 being hugging and hand-holding, 2 being cheek-kisses and forehead kisses, 3 being light pecks, 4 being your "first kiss", etc), without letting each other go "all the way" for first few times, making that "first time" all the more special and connecting. Sort of like you're testing the waters when you were younger and just starting to be sexually active.

This whole theory requires being in a certain kind of mindset, basically similar to role-playing in the bedroom, but on a deeper, psychological and emotional level. I feel like, in order for anything to work out between my partner and I (sexually, that is), we have to be totally and irrevocably comfortable with one another, especially in being confident to tell them "That's enough, now" without being afraid of their reaction, especially when one or the other's anxiety starts to spike, or the mood just completely dies.

Without my partner being able to pick up on the tiniest, most subtle changes in my behavior and demeanor, there's no way for me to confidently tell him I'm having an anxiety or PTSD attack, because I'm terrified he won't care and will do what he wants to "finish up" regardless of my emotional or mental well-being.

[Patagonia]

I'm sorry to hear about your issues & the only thought I have to offer is maybe to explore tantric sex energies which might help you switch gears in energy flow. It's something you both can do. But that's just an opinion & I wish you luck!

[Mike_J]

Xanax... works wonders for me in this area

[Marilyn2016]

Originally Posted by silkit

My partner and I both have severe anxiety, and we both have some form of PTSD (a part of mine partly relates to sex and physical contact). When we're fooling around and getting in the mood, it's hard for me to quiet my brain enough to enjoy myself. I think I'm starting to develop a drinking habit because of it, honestly (I drink in order to try and relax myself enough to have a good time). But even when I'm relaxed enough, my partner seems to have trouble relaxing, too, which usually ends up with one of us a crying mess because of anxious feelings of hurting one another or "not being good enough" or not actually finishing... That last one mainly because he's never actually finished while inside me, and we haven't even reached a climax together in several years now.

Does anyone else experience this? Are there any methods we can use to try and relax? Should we try to "start over from scratch"?

Hmmm. What's the communication like about sex with your partner? Is it open or just as anxious?