Learning to dominate... fell comfortable

This may sound like a strange post, and I'm embarrassed to write about it, but please hear me out.

I divorced last year after nearly 11 years of marriage, the last three of which were completely sex free. It was mostly mental abuse I got from her during that time.

Now I'm in a relationship with a wonderful woman who has challenges of her own (diagnosed w/ BPD this past week).

We've had some wonderful lovemaking sessions in the past. But over the last couple of months, there have been issues with I guess you could say attitude.

Being w/o sex for so long made for some serious performance anxiety when it finally came to being with someone again. But for the most part, things were moving smoothly.

I've had issues with climaxing early, but that I always figured to be expected.

What I've had issues coping with is her telling me that I have tremendous control over her if I want it. I have to be dominant and that would come with time, but I needed to figure that out for myself and she wouldn't teach me -- she was tired of teaching. In the last couple of sessions, she's said "how do you want me?" The last one I started to feel a little more comfortable and when she asked that same question I did what I wanted for the most part. But I still didn't feel like I was doing what I or she wanted in the sack.

I guess what I'm saying is I need to find a way to become more dominant in bed. It was never an issue in the past for me, but I feel like I'm relearning how to be myself in every possible way.

Like I said earlier, I'm embarrassed to be asking, but what does it take to be dominant in bed? I feel like I'm not trying hard enough for some reason. And her telling me she won't teach me what she likes does hurt me a bit.

I can relate to this. These are part of my intimacy issues, too.

I can't speak for your partner, and she really should be giving you some communication as to what she wants, because there's a whole spectrum.

But my friend puts it so well in two words, "throw down".

My gut tells me, though, that if you don't have it, you're not going to learn it, and this new partner will be short lived.

But it's worth a try.

Sexual dominance tends to be something you either get off on...Or don't.

Your partner imho, doesn't know what she I truly asking.

A lot of those who claim to like a dominant partner, are occasionally just lazy, what I sometimes refer to as a "pseudo submissive."

A good partner/lover, who requires something particular from their SO. Need not only to explain clearly, but provide a safe environment with clear boundaries to explore in.

It sounds like she has read 50shades of grey (God I hate that book, and all its erroneous information about bdsm.) and fancies her a submissive.
Thing is like a good submissive, a good dominant/ 'Dom' needs taught and to learn.

The absolute first rule in any endeavor like this is communication. Especially as she has BDP.
You cannot risk triggering her in someway because she can't be bothered. It's unfair to put you in that situation,and surprisingly careless on her part.

It's not surprising your uncomfortable and possibly insecure as it's in clear what exactly she is wanting.

Dominance means different things to different people. Does she mean unimpressive and forceful. Aggressive and loud. Angry, cold.
Calm and reserved.
Violent.
Not violent.
Where are her boundaries. What are her no go's.

Imo, if you can't get more specifics of her expectations, tread carefully.

Maybe a discussion outside the bedroom might help.
All the best.
Most of all....be safe. Do not do Anything you just aren't comfortable with.