Being a virgin and feeling uncomfortable with sex

I'm in my 30s and still a virgin.

Since adolescence I've felt extremely uncomfortable in my skin; with my developing body and the attention that it received. Not just from boys my own age; from grown men too. I know that all girls get attention from males, both wanted and unwanted, and they can usually deal with the repercussions of the latter, but I never could. Any kind of comment about my body, even if it wasn't rude or overly sexual, would upset me and I'd feel as though I wasn't in control. I always dressed modestly and I thought that would be enough to repell men, but it didn't, so I started to comfort eat. Eventually I started to gain a little weight, and that, coupled with my dowdy dress sense, made me less visible to men.

Sex wasn't really discussed at home and although I wasn't told that sex was wrong, it wasn't seen as positive either. My father could be violent and was emotionally abusive, so my mother divorced him when I was 12. I did see my father quite regularly after their split but we were never close and I hardly see him now. My mother never dated, and instead, worked hard to make sure that I was happy and safe from harm. My family is very small and female dominated and because there were no men in my life apart from my father, I didn't have any positive male role models.

I believe that my negative experiences with my father warped my perception of men and prevented me from getting close to them. Logically, I've always known that not all men are like him but I have no other frame of reference. I'm not sure why my sexual development has been so adversely affected by my my relationship with my father, because there was no sexual abuse.

Now that I'm older, I really worry about ending up a lonely old spinster nobody wants, even though I've lost the weight I gained and am making more of an effort to keep fit and healthy. I have other problems too which I discussed in another post, so it's not just my lack of sexual experience that I have problems with. The therapists that I saw relating to my other issues were unable to help me, so I feel utterly lost.

There's a part of me that likes being a virgin for some reason... and yet I'd love to have a relationship with a man and explore my sexuality. I'm also worried that my lack of experience will put men off and that I'd be considered worthless to them.

Has anybody else had similar problems? If so, how did you deal with them? Am I a lost cause?

I felt kinda same way once, My older sibling made fun of me when I got a girlfriend in grade 5,
After that I was a little apprehensive of getting another girlfriend.
I liked being called handsome, or cute. But me telling a girl she is sexy is kinda hard for me.

I didn't like exploring my sexuality much either, But that left me broken and insane.

I'll never be in a relationship, and will always be rejected.

I just take it one day at a time now, Trying to lose some of the expectations I had for myself when I was young. Think thats all I can do.

I'd suggest trying to date but not rush into the sex part of it. Don't put pressure on yourself. Wait until you find someone you trust

I've only been with 2 people and the first one was only once and I heavily regret it now. Wish I'd just waited for the second! So wouldn't recommend rushing. There's some weird stigma about being a virgin above a certain age but I don't think it's a problem now, but it's what caused me to rush a bit to lose mine. The right person will understand why you haven't yet and hopefully will be pleased that you've picked them to go there with!

That's just my 2 cents. I'm no expert though I only lost my own v plates last year! (I'm 25 btw!)

Thanks for the replies.

I don't intend to rush into sex; I'd be too nervous to even think about going on a date, never mind anything else! I've never been in any situations where anyone would ask me out either because I'm socially isolated. The lack of social contact has affected my confidence so much that I don't think that anyone would ever find me attractive.

I know how you feel. Why not just pay for it and do not feel ashamed? I know, it's not the same as being with a special someone, but I think a man has to do what a man has to do, at least once, or he'll go mad from thinking about it way too much.

In some words you said its like i read myself.
I am 22 and i am virgin and same i like to be a virgin but deep down i dont want to end up alone.
And i am isolate socialy too.
I dress very modest too.
I believe maybe you are uncomfortable because of your father but because of the society i quess .
Society is very sexual and the same time you will be judge by other for being sexual.
I believe i am uncomfortable with sex cause when i was a kid my parents see me masturbating and hit me and tell me is wrong.
To be honest with you maybe some men dont like that you are a virgin and this is apply for me too.
Men maybe want women with sexual experience.
But i really hope to find a man that he will respect you because i believe there are men that when they hear that you are virgin they will think of you that you are modest and innocent.

I was the same

I know what you mean. Of course someone will find you attractive but it's easy for me to tell you that, sometimes it's not so easy to believe it yourself !

I still think dating is a good idea and even going out and trying to meet new people in general if you can

In a way, sex is like a heart- to-heart talk. It is a form of communication, and if you already can talk to someone trustfully and they trust you, it makes everything more natural. Try not to make sex something totally its own experience in your mind, but more on a continuum of closeness. I agree with those above who say to first work on meeting someone you like with a kindred spirit. It isn't even really about being attractive or not or experienced or not, but about connectedness. If it makes you feel any better, I bet there are a bazillion people out there remorseful about having sex too young, and there is something special about waiting until you are really ready.

Also, anxiety can kill your libido. So be in the right state of mind. It's not a competition.

I was caught masturbating as a child too, and was told not to 'mess with myself'! I still did it though, but felt very guilty afterwards. I'm sorry your parents hit you - being told that it's wrong is bad enough

Women are given mixed messages about sex throughout their lives, and those conflicting opinions can be confusing. On one hand we are supposed to be sexual; yet if we are, we'll be shamed for it. The easiest option for me is to just ignore my urges in the hope that they'll go away, but as I get older my sex drive has increased which makes things more difficult. It's not just about sex though, I'd love to have the opportunity to share my life with someone, because in spite of all my problems, in many ways, I think that I would be a great partner.

I do think that men usually want an experienced woman these days (not that there's anything wrong with that) and I think that modern feminism is partly to blame. From what I've observed, men can be extremely sexually entitled and expect too much early on. I've known women who have been bullied into having sex when they don't want to, not just by men but by society in general, under the guise of "liberation". To me, that goes against everything that feminism stands for because to be truly emancipated, you've got to make your own decisions. Perhaps avoiding intimacy is my way of rebelling against this.

Peter A - I'd never pay for sex; that's just unpalatable to me. Also, as a woman, that would be a bit odd, and I couldn't afford it anyway!

SalingerEsme - Yes, I'm glad I didn't have sex when I was too young, I've heard so many horror stories about people who regret their experiences.

I know that I need to deal with my other problems before I attempt to find a partner, but I haven't been successful so far. Just feel at a loss.

Maybe is because of your parents too .
I dont mean that is your parents's fault only but i guess they did not know how to react , especially if they are religions .
As children we had very sensitive soul and feelings
No i dont think ignore your urges is a such a good idea.
Because this is exactly what i did when i was teenager and i thought it will go away.
It will not go away , sexual desire it will be always inside of us and if we pressure ourselves to not feel sexual desire then it will get worse.
I am afraid that i will start to see people as sexual objects and not like human beings .
A good idea to express our sexual desire is to masturbate everyday and we can use sexual aids , not pressure it.

I relate to this a lot. I totally understand where you're coming from. I was always uncomfortable anytime boys or men commented on my body. my father was never abusive but he is more like a man that I live with and don't know very well than a father. He is not very loving towards my mother and its always been hard to watch. I'm kind of in a similar situation. the thought of having sex with someone like being that vulnerable is beyond terrifying. just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone. good luck!!