[FallingTears]

So...

I have this hideous "reactive depression" caused by my lying husband. And I've done psych drugs and alcohol and compulsive eating and self harm... and been suicidal... the lot...

I am currently obsessed with fantasies about women, and lesbian porn...

I dont know if it's just a distraction or if I'm using the idea of women because I'm sexually frustrated and I don't actually know any lesbians, so I can imagine them being interested... I fear I'm just objectifying them because men have been so awful...

How do I know if I'm actually a lesbian or bi or just a mess?? I'm nearly 50 so it's not like I'm a confused adolescent!!!

And there's no way in hell I'm discussing THIS with my therapist!!!

BTW: If any of my kids were LGBTQI I'd be completely accepting, so it's not like I have some homophobic problem with the idea...

Help please....

[Shazerac]

There is no way we can answer your question. Just a thought .....but If you are completely accepting of the gay community and not homophobic...... why do you feel messed up for having lesbian fantasies?

There is nothing wrong with exploring sexuality in fantasies. It's entirely normal.

There's "no way in hell" your going to discuss with your therapist? Hmmmm....you've sort of painted yourself into a corner here. You've branded yourself as messed up and refuse to discuss it in therapy. You are denying yourself help and in doing so you are actually abusing yourself.

I hope you summon the courage to talk to your therapist. They can help you accept yourself as you are.

[emgreen]

I agree with Shazerac. This is a topic just begging to be discussed with your therapist! If embarrassment is the thing preventing you from doing so, perish the thought. Face it; there are few things therapists haven't heard & you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Perhaps I'm odd, but I somehow always find myself fostering friendships with lesbians while not knowing they're lesbians when I meet them...& I'm a guy! My theory is maybe I'm a male lesbian! My theory about human sexuality has always been that it exists along a spectrum (at least in the subconscious); there just ain't many true black/white situations in reality.

I won't give you advice about what to do sinnce you're married, but I think your therapist is the one you should hash things out with...Get some clarity in you head. Good luck, & don't let it trouble you any more than you already have.

[FallingTears]

Thanks. Both of you.
I didn't mean that having lesbian fantasies is messed up. I just meant that I'm so dissociated and far from who I used to be that I'm not sure if this is just another element of my confusion about everything...
I SHOULD discuss this with my therapist. But I didn't discuss the lack of heterosexual sex when that was an issue... and I'm rubbish at even knowing what I feel about everyday things..
But thanks....