[JaneB1]

Hey Guys,

So my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 years, up until the past couple of months we had sex almost everyday.
Now we have hit a big dry spell, which started because we had family visit and we shared a room for a couple of weeks.
Our sex life never peaked back, i feel it may be my fault because i felt somewhat relieved that i didn't have to have so much sex and i think i preferred it.
Well now all my boyfriend talks about is sex, how much we are not having it, how a relationship can't work without sex & that if our sex life doesn't go back to normal then we might as well end our relationship.

This attitude towards our relationship turns me off, and now i can't say no to sex if i have stomach ache or i'm not feeling it because he makes a big argument out of it.

I am so stressed out over it, i want to get our sex life back but it's a lot of pressure and a turn off when our whole relationship relies on it.

I have calmly spoke to him about it, but it doesn't seem to make any difference his reaction to not having sex.

Any advice please?

[Thunder Bow]

He may be using sex as a way of controlling you.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

He may be using sex as a way of controlling you.

before you had the visit, were you having sex when you didn't want to?

Welcome to psych central

[Patagonia]

So it sounds like he's pressuring you, threatening you & using sex as a weapon. You are not giving full consent to sex, if you don't feel like having it. You're obliging him with sex.
Not a great sign for your relationship, but enlightening non the least.
What is his reaction when you say no?

[Carmina]

Originally Posted by JaneB1

This attitude towards our relationship turns me off, and now i can't say no to sex if i have stomach ache or i'm not feeling it because he makes a big argument out of it.

You can always say no to sex and if he can't take no for an answer then you are better off without him anyway

It sounds like you and he have different sex drives. IMO, he's being a jerk. You always have the right to refuse sex. For him to threaten to break up with you over it is abusive and manipulative. Coercive. You are better off without that in your life.

[lilclassicbeauty]

Originally Posted by JaneB1

Hey Guys,

So my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 years, up until the past couple of months we had sex almost everyday.
Now we have hit a big dry spell, which started because we had family visit and we shared a room for a couple of weeks.
Our sex life never peaked back, i feel it may be my fault because i felt somewhat relieved that i didn't have to have so much sex and i think i preferred it.
Well now all my boyfriend talks about is sex, how much we are not having it, how a relationship can't work without sex & that if our sex life doesn't go back to normal then we might as well end our relationship.

This attitude towards our relationship turns me off, and now i can't say no to sex if i have stomach ache or i'm not feeling it because he makes a big argument out of it.

I am so stressed out over it, i want to get our sex life back but it's a lot of pressure and a turn off when our whole relationship relies on it.

I have calmly spoke to him about it, but it doesn't seem to make any difference his reaction to not having sex.

Any advice please?

I almost feel like I know what you mean. I would wake up extra early in the morning just to make sure my boyfriend was taken care of. And it all started because he would make me feel guilty if I left him aroused in the morning or didn't take care of him. He would joke that he would have to call to find a place that gave happy ending or needed to call for services. I hated that he would say that so I would just wake up early and sometimes it would take him a while and I would be late for work. He always used guilt for me. Not break up but that I wasn't taking care of my man. He always said happy boyfriend happy girlfriend. I was getting tired of doing it but I did love him so I still did it. Like everyone here on the panel is saying and have told me... manipulation. I'm out of mine but I am week and miss him dearly. If you don't feel you want to do it at all you shouldn't. Is hard to make that decision when you love someone though. I wish you all the luck in the world that you can make the right choice. Big hug.

[~Christina]

Is this the first time in you're 6 years that he's pulling this nonsense? To this degree ?

I personally would not want sex daily.

How old is he ?

[JaneB1]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

So it sounds like he's pressuring you, threatening you & using sex as a weapon. You are not giving full consent to sex, if you don't feel like having it. You're obliging him with sex.
Not a great sign for your relationship, but enlightening non the least.
What is his reaction when you say no?

He tends to get annoyed and say that i keep turning him away and that it seems like im not attracted to him anymore, then i defend myself and we get into an argument and he always seems to come back to the topic of us being better apart, to then 10 mins later say that he doesn't want to with anyone else he just wants our sex life to go back to normal. I just can't understand how we can be together for six years then suddenly he has a personality change like this just over having less sex. How can it be more important than making the other person happy! plus he never is spontaneous or romantic anymore, just "do you wanna have sex then?"

[JaneB1]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Is this the first time in you're 6 years that he's pulling this nonsense? To this degree ?

I personally would not want sex daily.

How old is he ?

Yes the first time, that's why i am at a loss of what to do! hes always been so kind and caring and always made sex feel fun but now its becoming more of a chore and i hate it, because i used to enjoy it and it made us close, now its pulling us apart.
He is 29 years old. Hes so desperate for sex its making him crazy

[JaneB1]

Originally Posted by lilclassicbeauty

I almost feel like I know what you mean. I would wake up extra early in the morning just to make sure my boyfriend was taken care of. And it all started because he would make me feel guilty if I left him aroused in the morning or didn't take care of him. He would joke that he would have to call to find a place that gave happy ending or needed to call for services. I hated that he would say that so I would just wake up early and sometimes it would take him a while and I would be late for work. He always used guilt for me. Not break up but that I wasn't taking care of my man. He always said happy boyfriend happy girlfriend. I was getting tired of doing it but I did love him so I still did it. Like everyone here on the panel is saying and have told me... manipulation. I'm out of mine but I am week and miss him dearly. If you don't feel you want to do it at all you shouldn't. Is hard to make that decision when you love someone though. I wish you all the luck in the world that you can make the right choice. Big hug.

I understand everything that you are saying but he has never been like this before, he used to make it enjoyable and exciting but now he just asks me if i want to have sex and it so unappealing because hes just asking and not being spontaneous. I keep thinking if i just sit down and explain to him that he was doing alright before and he never needed to put pressure on me for me to want to have sex with him, then maybe he will realize he is doing things all wrong, but i talk to him and he gets defensive and tries to put it all on me.

Sometimes i think it might be better for us to be apart, but its unbearable to think about never mind do. I can't leave him because he is a good person and he is so kind and caring and thoughtful almost all of the time, i think hes in a rut at the moment and he can't think of any other solution to get what he wants. But i need to find a way to get through to him otherwise it will break us apart.

[JaneB1]

Can anyone give me any ideas on how to tackle the conversation with him? I want things to work out.

[Patagonia]

You've asked a really hard question, what to say to him, and only you know him the best. We can piece things together based on your replies.
You say he's desperate for sex & not getting it is making him crazy. So does he just want the release of sex or does he miss the relationship between the 2 of you?

You say that he lashes out & says the relationship is over, then comes back & says he doesn't want it to be. So he explodes in anger, for not getting his way? then feels remorse? and says he just wants you. So he's placing sexual pressure on you. Coercing your consent for sex. This is creating a difficult power struggle that can lead to other difficulties in making joint decisions.

You say he wants sex to go back to normal....what's normal? AFA I know sex in relationships have an ebb & flow to them. Lust & passion fade, but is replaced by other emotions.

You say he's not spontaneous anymore. Does that mean you want him to take charge in the bedroom? Be more "dominant?" If he's less romantic, can you initiate sex when you want it? What type of power situation is going on in the bedroom?

You asked what should you say. That's hard & ive learned that instead of leading with statements, sometimes it's better to lead with questions. Open ended questions so this put the ball in his court to answer & give you more information so you can make better decisions. Keep asking questions until you're confident that you see his point of view.

Also what other life factors play into this? Things like work other pressures, relationships, stress, money, society issues etc. what else can you see in hindsight that lead to this?

I'm not sure this has helped at all, but I do wish you the best. And yes I feel a personality can change due to sex. My SO did as soon as I started to say no in the bedroom & stopped being at the beckon call. I'm trying to regain my own power.