I am finding out alot of things about me

I have been torn apart internally feeling confused about my self/self worth and everything I live with.

I find it disgusting but just irressistable at times if I feel vulnerable in any way as a guy. I am at the will of my mind from the patterns of lots of sexual abuse.

This pertains to I am scared as a an adult child to have any boundaries. I dont let anyone touch me that makes me feel uncomfortable or try my best.
My wife knows how bad i have it.

I struggle with for example when I'm depressed or feeling abandoned or reminded of my familiar pain of all my abuse. I'm turned the most on when someone else is hurting me in many ways and most are not sexual acts in nature.

Its also came to my attention I crave a mother figure too, my wife fills in that role for me out of love. She thankfully listens and accomodates my emotional needs.
I just hate having it, because my mother was a narcassist she let me be raped and repeatedly barred helping me when it happened to "just forget about it" attitude when i was 4 to all other sexual assualts done to me from then to when i was 19 by different people.

I feel like i have had no mother all my life. I try to suffice it with my wife, because i didnt have sexual feelings towards my mom. My wife even caught my mom checking me out inappropriately without me knowing before we moved away from her and it breaks my heart.

I lived my life as a male whose sole existence is to be used for sex.
Most of my fantasies are harm done to me sexually, psychologically/emotionally, and anything that will traumitizes and hurts me is what my body craves.

I always feel gross and not in my skin recently i just lost hope in any way of recovery.
I hate how i feel suicide sometimes comes into my fantasies and it always plays out like i deserved it all.

I hate how i have no one to talk to about it. I cant afford a therapist or insurance, but everyday is a struggle that i cant see what others see in me.

Ive been so attuned to the abuse for so long I hate admitting most of my growth emotionally as a child had been destroyed.

Ive been assaulted by 5 different people in my life.
My life feels a mess i cant take care of myself i internalize everything because there is too much to talk to anyone and my emotions are wrecked under my ego i keep everyone out of my business that i dont want people to find out as a guy that both men and women have harmed me and that I feel like no matter who loves me I dont see a fully functional adult.

I see a f***** up kid whose let so many people trample me while i was seeking love and prefer being an object for pleasure.

I hate it how it feels ingraved in my wellbeing my mind and everywhere i go like a stench you cant clean or rid of.

I can totally relate...sorry for what you’re going through....I also do not like being touched which creates anxiety in any and all intimate relationships. I was abused at age 10 by my best friend and in terms of sexuality feel frozen at this age. I was also what I believe could be considered being molested by a physician when I was 21 and it totally F’d me up and I subsequently retreated from intimacy with my finances at the time resulting in her dumping me. I can also relate to the degrading fantasies of wanting to be hurt and punished for what I perceive are my own faults

I appreciate to read all of that. I am grateful my wife does not judge me. She is someone I rely on so much, because I have no one else.
It is very rough trying to not have panic attacks they always come up.
I am one of those people who need a regular therapist, but atm Im working on myself to get myself in a better position.
Thank you for sharing that.

I also appreciate your post. At least your wife instituted a good support system for you; that is a big plus.

I'm so sorry, Y. I found your story heartbreaking to read. If you need to talk anytime, let me know.

I had violence in childhood, but not sexual.

There's a wonderful book called 'A Little Life' by Hanya Yanagihara.

It's a novel about a man who had a childhood similar to yours. It's one of the best books I've ever read. You can tell that the author has put a lot of her own life into the book.

It made me cry, but it also helped me to see shame in a different way... that these are things that happen to us, but are not us.

I'd really recommend it.

Take care of your dear self.