I need some advice...

According to my research, sexual imprinting is where the young of a species bases their prefrences in a mate on the individual who reared them as opposed to the individual who is their biological parent, if that is the case.

Can you further explain how this can help me in my relationship? I'm a bit befuddled.

FYI, two points on which I stand firm here are that I'm NOT leaving him, NOR am I going to cause him physical harm or give him punishments as the very concept brings me very unpleasant flashbacks to my prior abuse.

I'm a submissive masochist. Pain is an incredible turn on for me. I love it. Taking a belt is not a punishment, I crave it. There isn't a why, its just part of who I am. I embrace my masochistic side by being in relationships that are on board with my lifestyle. I don't know that I could give up being a submissive masochist for anyone.

That's all well and good, and I never said he was wrong or shamed him for his fetish. It's not so much about him or what he feels about such acts, it's about how I feel about them and how they trigger me.

I'm just saying he may not want to be with you if you can't fulfill this side of him. I can tell you the pull is very strong. If he needs to be a masochist and you can't deliver I would say you two are at an impass.

He is crazy about me, so I don't think he'll leave me. He just needs to understand that I'm not going to do that sort of stuff.

I guess it's between the two of you. I would not give up my masochistic side for someone on the internet. He may have a totally different take on it. Good luck.

Sexual “preferences” especially terms related to the bdsm culture are not ingrained into us.
There is always leeway.

Start researching it on like...page 10 or 30 of google. A recurring algorithm will put it in the animal area....you want sexual imprinting regarding humans which will branch into sexual fetishism.

So you state you’re not leaving him or this. Have you heard the same statement in reverse, from him? That if you cannot participate in this, he will stay with you? I’m not being devil’s advocate here, I just need to know where this person stands.

You also state that you don’t wanto harm him. So are you also stating that you do not wanto work thru this trigger with him? If so why? I know there’s flashbacks....but there must be other circumstances. Is this a Pandora’s box that you’re not ready to unpack with this individual?
Have you both also talked about being in an open relationship bec, just to me, this might be the best direction to explore where everyone’s needs are met.

We’re not sunk yet people!! There’s still wiggle room & Artchic if this is something you seriously want, changes can be made. It’ll be hard, but you both need to work together.

What does he say about all this?

For some of us there isn't. Its a part of me as much as being bipolar is. I would not choose someone who wasn't on the same page. If I was in a non sexually satisfying relationship, I would get myself satisfied somewhere else.

Not saying this is the case here. I don't know him. Just pointing out that it is a fair deal breaker.

An open relationship is never going to be an option with me because I only believe in monogamy. Besides, in a Threeway relationship one individual always gets booted to second potato and there the resentment grows, so it never works out.

I admit I am still confused here about sexual imprinting. What exactly should I do with the information I find? I need more direction than this, I'm afraid.

I sent him an email asking if he'll let it go and choose to be with me. He said he chooses to be with me always.

TheSadGirl
You can only state this as fact if you already know the future....or you’re over the age of 80yrs which I consider old.
Then you can make blanket statements like this. Not everything is so black, white & stationary in life.
Just the way I see it.

And it is this type of admission that reveals the possibilities of this website becoming a hook-up site for we BDSM folk.

See, OP? We who fit in these slots, these fine dominate/sadist slots, those who fit in those sweet sub/maso slots, we are committed.

Nothing to do with childhood abuse (I was sexually abused; no more to say on that), I don’t believe. Even I enjoy a whiff of pain now and again; but, no, I cannot imagine being submissive.

Leeway. Yes. Leeway is necessary.

I’m hearing a lot of words like “always,” “never”, “NOT”.....”crazy” (lol)
There’s no flexibility here in the posts & it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind....so I’m not sure what you’re asking anymore.

Can a fetish be fixed???
Will he cheat on me bec I can’t sexually satisfy him?
Will this kill him if I leave bec of his heart condition?
Idk. It sounds like you’ve painted yourself into a corner...& he says he chooses to be with you always so.....I really hope it lasts that long.

And an open relationship is certainly not a threesome.

I stand by what I said. Submissive massochist, as permanent as my tattoos. Maybe some people can surpress their nature. I can not. We will just have to agree to disagree.

Sounds good. I’ll ask in 20 yrs if you’re still the same person then as you are now.

Lmao. Totally over your head. I'm out.

Thank you.
If you do not understand the basic concept that the only thing consistent in our lives on this little blue marble, is that everything CHANGES! This is my point, to you, to ArtChic, everyone, myself included.
We do not know the future, what imprints on us & our psyche, how our environment, past, present, emotions, even down to our basic principals & ethics...they can change.

Look at the bigger picture here! OP, what are you willing to examine in your life to make a possible change for this person. If you say nothing, then walk away.

SadGirl we are not defined by our labels in life! Whether it’s in the MH or bdsm community. My labels & “preferences” change according to my mood so why do I wanto carry those labels around. Labels are a form of narrow minded thinking that I’ve learned to steer clear of bec I’ve noticed people like to be in groups & say “metoo”. So if you don’t think you’ll ever ever change....well you’re missing out on a ton.

There’s no flexibility in this post...& I think I’m the oldest one on it. So I’ll leave for you young kids.
Carry on.

I knew that I could never commit to monogamy, even when I committed to monogamy. There is nothing brave or good about monogamy despite the shouting entertainment mogul’s cries.

Where did you get the idea that monogamy is good?

You are wrong about one partner being abandoned in a ‘three-way’ relationship. That has not been my experience or observation.

So, you asked your friend to suppress his nature and he agreed? Straight out of a pulp romance, yeah? If he finds a Real Live Girl who will help him express his nature, how long do you think he will choose his internet sweetheart?

I think that you are closing in on the Slippery Slopes, where you may falter or fall. These - ugh, I can’t believe that I will use the term - these cyber-relationships (ugh!) are tenuous. You are certainly not going to bed with this man and definitely not waking up with him. You have no idea what it might be like to be within a common space for 24-hours. You do not know one of his many scents and you do not know the back of his hand or his palm or the lengths of his fingers.

In hospices you will be told that the dying want and need ‘touch,’ physical contact, in their final stretches. I believe that is true of budding relationships, too. I cannot imagine a loving relationship without touch. I cannot.

Yet you seem to need this relationship? You want it to continue if you can control and limit your lover’s sexual desires?

If I were you I would take some time and dissect this online relationship to see just which needs it may be fulfilling and just what it lacks. And ‘whose needs’ are being fulfilled and whose’ lacking.

You chose to post in this sexuality forum and you chose well, in that, but you came in quashing the expressed sexuality within your original post. You cannot do that. You don’t get to do that. You are free to reject and free to accept but you don’t get to choose.

Yeah, but I can say this shite because I’m old.

I am reliving my high school sexuality and it’s a blast.

I am reliving my 20’s sexuality and it’s a gas.

I am cultivating my seventh-decade sexuality and the fruit turns out to be is a slow-motion amalgamation of one year of lived and imagined sexuality followed by another.

One year may have seemed black and white and another year things may seem settled but, yes, there are all of those other years of doors opening and closing and to think that sexuality settles into a cozy niche is willing thinking.

In short, I agree with you, Patagonia.

I believe I asked for this thread to NOT become a debate about the realness of my relationship. Please respect that.

I also ask that it not also turn into another argument over whether or not sexual fetishes are tied to one's state of being. If you want to have said arguement, please make another thread dedicated to the subject matter.

Also, I feel that shaming my lifestyle (that of choosing to be monogamous) is counterproductive to this thread so I ask that you please refrain from doing that as well. Monogamy can and does work and can last for decades. My grandparents are living proof of this. They aren't wrong in anyway by being solely devoted to only eachother. Besides, if I went about stating that polygamy was wrong, this thread would have exploded into furious replies to that statement.

I think my issues have been resolved so if you have anything positive or supportive to say, I'd like to hear it. Other thoughts and ideas are best left absent from this thread.

ETA: My age is irrelevant. I'm legally an adult, been that way for years, and that's all you need to know.

Artchic,

So... you didn’t come here to ask for advice but rather confirmation of your instinctual surety that you are on the path of righteousness and, with a single message, you have brought your friend to heel and all is righted, now?

With your question, you opened your relationship to the judgment of others. If you found my judgment of monogamy to be in error, that is open for discussion. Do you know the percentage of people in monogamous relationships that cheat? 60-70%. Yes, over half of those in monogamous relationships aren’t, well, in monogamous relationships. Monogamy is not the virtuous maiden that you would have her be. Oops, dear! I could not help my budgie falling into her! He forced himself on me, I swear!

We elderly folk - crepey and creepy - are still sexual and while I’m sure that your grandparent’s marriage is a fine thing, are you certain that neither ever strayed? The odds would say ‘probably’.

Your age is very relevant. You write as if this is your first relationship or, at least, the first relationship that you’ve had in which sex reared and roared. You write well but your writing betrays you as a whispy juvenile, ignorant of real world truths (and consequences).

Positive and supportive? You are telling me that a man-god - some Cronus in the hands of Uranus - walked upon water and you want me to give you positive support for believing such nonsense? No, I will not. I would rather throw lots in favor of fairies because there is a greater chance that fairies are real than monogamy.

You are satisfied, though, that your unreal expectations have been justified and that your forced suppression of your friend’s sexuality has been resolved in one message.

Eh. Keep believing in fairies and messiahs if you want. All has been resolved.

I am not a masochist. I have played that role for a sadist. I have not ever done that with any others.

I am just who I am. I have a wide rage of sexual behavior. I don't like being labelled. Patagonia, I am your age. I agree sexuality is always changing and growing.

Is it too much to ask that my wishes for this thread be respected? If they aren't respected any further, then I'm afraid I have no choice but to ask that this thread be locked.

Like I said before, all positive advice and encouragement are kindly welcome. If there are words that are wanting to be said that don't fall under the categories of "supportive", "postive" or "encouraging", please keep them to yourselves.

It is unfair to start a post, "I need some advice" and then not accept, when people disagree.