[FJRPC]

So I just lost my job over a sexual harrassment deal. I met with a former coworker who told me that many of the women in the office felt like I was hitting on them, and that at least one of them was going to report me to HR some time ago. I didn't know I was such a jerk.

I love women. I probably express myself too openly, especially in the workplace, but anything I ever said to anyone there was intended as a sign of admiration and respect. I never wanted a relationship with any of them, I just wanted them to know that they were appreciated.

So I recently started reading about sex/love addiction, and I think that's what I have. I was "flirting" with the women looking for some kind of validation. The source of my need for love is the fact that my mom worked her ***** off raising her 3 kids alone, and wasn't around much.

I chose women for all of my needs; doctors, dentists, instruction in whatever... I like the way I feel when I'm with them. I like the feeling that they might actually like me. I forgot all about the part where they get two faced and can't tell you what's really on their minds.

That's what happend to end my job. A woman that was in a close circle of friends in my office reacted to an e-mail I sent her. Now in our office, among that circle, continually exchange NSFW comments, jokes, whatever. I admit that the message I sent was a little over the top, but I expected her to tell me to go **** myself, not destroy my career.

Anyway, having been told that my "style" was not appreciated, I realize that I probably have an underlying motive for expressing myself the way I do, and that it comes across very differently than I intend it to.

The funny thing is, I'm getting NO sex! I honestly respect women and don't want to take advantage of them, and it's my effort to express that which gets me in trouble. I don't know...

I am going to seek some counseling, but being out of work makes the idea of $150 a session a little unrealistic. If anyone knows of any better way to get this resolved, please advise.

When I start my next job, I want to be free of this need for female validation.

sorry for the wordy post...

[DePressMe]

FJRPC, sorry about you losing your job--thats a tough thing to deal with. I don't really have any expertise in this area--I am a woman and I have never had to deal with too much sexual harassment and when I was faced with it I just told the guy to take a flying ###$.

I am probably more liberal than a lot of women are about sexual comments and such. Heck, I like guys who express themselves about sex as long as they don't let it interfere with our working relationship.

It sounds like you are dealing with this in a good way--you have pretty good insight about yourself and your thoughts and actions. I hope you are able to work your issues out.

Hey, I hope you can keep in mind that not all women are the same--I bet there are those who appreciate you because you sound like you really do respect women--you need to sort out what is appropriate with each woman given the circumstances. Good luck.

[claudiac]

Hi FJRPC ... just popped in to see what your story was about. I happen to have some experience with Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous. I was in an SLAA group for a year or so many years ago, and although I was not a sex addict, i did have emotional issues that were healed through meetings every week in this group. I don't know if there is a group in your area, either SLAA or SAA, but it might be interesting to look into it. I learned so much listening to other people's stories. It explained so much about my own behaviors that never made sense before. Many of the stories were not so much about sex itself but about the emotional issues behind it. The motivations towards sex and love are mostly emotional issues. Very enlightening.

[FJRPC]

Thanks. I know it's a problem, I just found out about it too late.

Will look into local support groups for sure.

DePressMe - It has been my experience that older women (not saying anything here) tend to be more appreciative of a flattering comment. I try to be as genuine as possible at all times, and have had more than a few ask me if I had a twin. That makes me feel good.

It irks me quite a bit that I had no chance to try and resolve this. There was no arbitration or attempt to clarify or resolve at all. My intentions meant nothing, and I think that's what hurts. I will definitely install some new filters.

Thanks again for your comments and tips.

[claudiac]

Hi, I understand how you feel about the unfair treatment. In the real world, people are often frightened into making knee-jerk decisions because of false judgements and lack of understanding. It makes situations more difficult in life. I too lost a job once because of lack of understanding on my part, lack of communication between parties, and inability on behalf of the other party to deal with it. If you find an avenue to dispute it, and you feel strongly enough, that is, willing to keep working with those people, then by all means go for it. Sometimes just contacting them in order to clarify things, even if it doesn't get your job back, might make you feel a lot better and able to move forward sooner.

You made a mistake, so what! You learned from it. It happened in order to make you more aware that it is an issue you may need to deal with in more depth. And that's good. Sounds to me like you are capable. You hit a bump in the road. It happens. So, I do wish you the best and all my support if you want it.

[AAAAA]

My attitude is the similiar to DePressMe. I worked in a mainly male dominated work environment, most of the males there still had a cave man attitude. Even so, with very few exceptions, as long as I was clear where my boundaries were, they respected them.

I did have close male friend that thought it was funny to try to step over those boundaries. He really meant no harm so when he did I'd smack him on the side of his head. I didn't get fired for hitting him, he didn't get fired for his mouth.

Maybe at your next job it would be better to keep thing strictly professional. I can't tell you how many people I know that have been fired over a stupid email that was not received in the spirit in which it was sent or sent to the wrong person.

[StrawberryFieldsss]

Originally Posted by FJRPC

I admit that the message I sent was a little over the top, but I expected her to tell me to go **** myself, not destroy my career.

I think this is the problem.

I don't think it was the flattery and admiration that you doled out necessarily, it's that you crossed the line.

Do you really think that you need therapy? I think it's more like you need to remember no matter how close you feel you are to people in a corporate environment, they still have the power to go over your head and report anything that they deem inappropriate, even if they acted like it was acceptable prior.

[FJRPC]

Originally Posted by StrawberryFieldsss

I think this is the problem.

I don't think it was the flattery and admiration that you doled out necessarily, it's that you crossed the line.

Do you really think that you need therapy? I think it's more like you need to remember no matter how close you feel you are to people in a corporate environment, they still have the power to go over your head and report anything that they deem inappropriate, even if they acted like it was acceptable prior.

The only reason I think I would like to speak to a therapist is the underlying reason for trying to make these "attachments". What is the reason for my failed perception, and for continually trying to be closer to people than I'm wanted?

I can learn to keep my trap shut, but that's like addressing the symptom, not the real problem, isn't it.

If your car's making a noise, you don't just turn the radio up.

[FJRPC]

Originally Posted by claudiac

Hi, I understand how you feel about the unfair treatment. In the real world, people are often frightened into making knee-jerk decisions because of false judgements and lack of understanding. It makes situations more difficult in life. I too lost a job once because of lack of understanding on my part, lack of communication between parties, and inability on behalf of the other party to deal with it. If you find an avenue to dispute it, and you feel strongly enough, that is, willing to keep working with those people, then by all means go for it. Sometimes just contacting them in order to clarify things, even if it doesn't get your job back, might make you feel a lot better and able to move forward sooner.

You made a mistake, so what! You learned from it. It happened in order to make you more aware that it is an issue you may need to deal with in more depth. And that's good. Sounds to me like you are capable. You hit a bump in the road. It happens. So, I do wish you the best and all my support if you want it.

You seem like a wonderfully compassionate person. Thank you.

[claudiac]

Originally Posted by FJRPC

You seem like a wonderfully compassionate person. Thank you.

Oh, thank you. That's the best feedback I've received yet. Don't be worried. Everything will work out. Let me know how things are as you go along if you want to.