Fathers getting semi errections whilst playing with 11y/o daughter

Hi I have just read lots of advice on whether its normal for a father to get an erection after playing with his child? I need to know if it is normal for the father getting a semi(80%)erection after playing with our 11y/o daughter. They were playing around (they always are) - she was pulling his hair on his legs and he was smacking her on the butt. They often play by giving each other 'wedgies'. I have noticed on several occasions that he has had a "semi" but I never said anything as I thought I was being paranoid. The last time he had a shower about 5 mins after playing with her as he was going off to nightshift and I confronted him whilst he was in the shower and he denied that it was a 'hard on' and I said ********. I then tried to calmly discuss it with him the next evening but he got angry and told me it was over(10 year marriage) and we are now sleeping in separate beds. I actually asked him why, not a dumb question, as I needed to know if he was sexually charged by playing with her, I even offered to get him help (as we all have to be so socially correct nowadays and not hang the buggers!), as I truly didn’t know what to do. My kids come first, hence the confrontation - but the horrible thing is I am the one that is feeling guilty( I don’t know why, as I am not a crazy hallucinating woman - I KNOW WHAT I SAW! And it makes me sick) we are now separating - his call as when I confronted him I asked if there was a reason for it and he denied it (the semi) being there. He wont even talk to us( daughters 13 and 11 and 8yo son), and he is treating me as if I have done something terrible. I do not believe that he has touched her inappropriately, but I cannot look at him the same as I cannot see why a man could get excited playing with his daughter. Please help me understand - is he a pedophile? Or is there another reason for it - that could mean that he doesn’t want to touch her sexually but just cant help it (semis) as my gut reaction is to think of him as a sicko but I also want to try and remain clear headed and concise? As I there seems to be alot of useless bs online - but until I know more I am still going ahead to move out!

I would not call him a sicko or pedaphile just because of the physical reaction his body has given him... but I would look deeply into the WHY for it and with that therapy should be sought to get to the bottom of it all.

IMO - I think your husband left due to the fact that you caught him at some thing he him self is confused and ashamed about and probably has been for some time.... hence his retreat to safety at another place, far from you and the object of his confusion.

Please know that you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be guilty about - safety of the children comes before any thing else - ((( HUGS )))

I am happy that the kids are living with you and not with him. I would give him support and maybe both of you can undergo counseling together.

RED FLAGS.....

I would be feeling the same as you even to the guilt however stand strong it is not normal.

I would have done the samething. Get an errection of any kind while playing with a child is not right. Most men can handle their errections and not let them "pop" up when they don't want it to. I hope things get better for you.

I am not sure of your age or what sexual education you have.... but there are times when that little thing we call a penis has a mind of its own and does what it wants despite the protest of its owner.

But never the less - I still feel that dad needs some therapy to help him understand why he is getting sexually stirred by little girls.

He needs more than help.....

Hi Nambie,
this must be a horrible time for you and your kids that's for sure. I think you have alot of courage for talking to him about this. Since your daughter is 11, I don't think he should be slapping her on the butt anymore. It's cute to do that when they're babies but not 11 yrs. When things are a little calmer have you thought about asking your children if there has ever been anything inappropriate in the past.
I think his reaction was very drastic and I don't think you should feel guilty. I'm sure your children are very upset. I hope everything works out for you and your children. .

Hi Nambie,
just wanted to see how you're doing. I would agree with the one point that children need to understand how to play appropriately with adults. Your husband shouldn't be playing that way with her being 11. I'm a Mom myself of 2 girls 7 and 11 yrs. and I've told them what body parts are off limits. My 11 yr. old is a brown belt in karate and is prepared to handle anyone who approaches her inappropriatly.
When I was 13 yrs. old while playing lawn darts I remember my brother in-law grabbing my breasts. Another time after babysitting his son, he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. Lucky for me I escaped. So I promised when I had my girls that I would teach them how to protect themselves.
I hope you and your children are okay. Best regards,
Lynn

I agree with Rhap, the errection might not be under his volunary control, however discontinuing the contact and removing himself from the source of his stimulation IS under his control. As the adult in this situation he should be the one setting safe boundaries. Smacking his daughter on the butt and letter her pull his leg hair while he is feeling stimulated, sounds like he may be a bit unclear where the boundary should be. I think it is good that you confronted him on this.

I understand your desire to leave, and do what you need to if you feel your kids are not safe. But please consider that if you are going to be splitting up and divorcing, that it can be hard for the spouse who left to get back into the family home. It is easier for the spouse who is in possession to stay in the home. It would be really uprooting for your family too for you and the 3 kids to move out. He's the one who told you the marriage is over--why doesn't he move out? Anyway, just a thought--from one who has become very familiar with how things go in a divorce.

As for the play with your 11 yo girl, I went through a similar thing in my family. My H and youngest daughter had always enjoyed roughhousing with each other, but it seemed to be less and less appropriate as she became older. Sometimes I caught glimpses of "scenes" that just didn't seem right. There was no sexual abuse, but I think there comes a time when the really physical play between dads and daughters should stop. I did speak to my H about this, and he didn't really like that, but he did tone it down. I think the fact that your H reacted so strongly to your discussion about this probably indicates he has been feeling confused/guilty about this too. I wish he could get some professional help with this instead of breaking up the marriage.

I just had another comment on this, hopeful people will understand it.

My first reaction to this post was "NO, not acceptable at all." But I think some of that was related to my own experience.

Maybe Dad thought is OK to get arroused by his child as long as he retreats to the bathroom to finish himself off. IDK the men throughout in my life seem to have a different standard.

As a mother, the boundary is very clear to me. But as someone who has had my child boundaries blurred, I can maybe appreciate the guy's boundary confusion depending on his own upbringing.

His reaction shows its not the case here.

His reaction seems pretty drastic....

I couldn't help but think about what is going through the 11 year olds mind at the moment. Nambie, how have you explained the crazyiness going on between you and your H to your kids at the moment? I think it would be hard to be your daughter, knowing that after dad played with her, mom and dad had a big blow up, and are now separating. Do you think she has any clue what is going on?

Unfortunately at 11, I don't think I would have been totally clueless about dad's semi.I know my childhood was different. If she has had at the very least, the Growth and Development lecture in school,...she is likely questioning things. I would never have talked about it, but I would have been aware of it, and internally freaking out.

(((Nambie))) very difficult situation. I think you were right to question H about this. Your kids safety comes first.

I have had confusing sexuality and I believe that we don't choose our sexuality and that if we become something we hate then they should be given fool support. But if he is attracted to young kids he shouldn't have had one with you! I think its worth checking out that he hasn't done 'anything' to your daughter after seeking advice. If he is attracted and hasn't done anything wrong to your daughter then he deserves full support from you and profesionals, but I do understand your reaction.

When he is with your daugther he might be thinking about you and therefore gets an erection.

The main thing is that he has not done anything to your daughter - get that checked out and the best way to resolve this is to probably see a counceller.

I might could say it's just an innocent body function if when confronted about it his very first response was "our marriage is over". If there was absolutely harmless wouldn't he have been willing to seek counseling or medical advice? I would have thought so.