reoccuring dream from many years ago.

****** Triggering stuff ***** Abuse, sex, injury******


I had this strange dream many years ago and I am just as disturbed by it as I was then. It's odd how you remember some dreams forever. I first had this dream 10 or so years ago. I don't know what prompted it then and am not positive now.

I have disclosed some distressing long held info to my T and H in T's office. I have a feeling that may be part of it. (Not that I'm proud of this but just to add clarity) My H and I have not gotten along for many years. I was ready to leave him 10 years ago were just so unhappy. We are still at one another's throats. But anyway To force myself to stay I knew I would stray and be unfaithful if I were thin and attractive and desirable to a man. But I also knew this was very wrong and I could not handle the temptation alone. So I turned to my best friend. Not alcohol but Mr.Ice Cream and comfort foods. Now being not exactly thin has helped that issue but caused another. I'm not exactly shapely and in tip top health. I explained this to my T and H and it was quite distressing. But anyway back to this strange reoccuring dream.

I was trapped and forced into slavery. The only way out of this bondage was to marry the owner of the slaves. I was put on a ship and constantly abused. The abuse was so great that the other slaves eventually disappeared. I was the only one left doing the job of many. The slave owner was a very harsh MAN. I can remember being afraid for my life and trying to hide from this man. I'd hide in tight spots. The inside of the ship was like a maze but the lighting was poor and the footing was terrible. (I get the similarity of the owner being harsh and me hiding, this is the feeling I get w/ my H at times) Finially I was able to escape. Strangely we had an antique sell on the ship and I made my escape then.

This is all distressing but even worse is I woke up for a few hours in reality. My H left for work, I got a child off to school and a cute little girl got in the bed w/ me and I went back to sleep w/ a little one snuggled up against me.

I had the dream again. I was constantly on that ship running up an down wooden sloped ally ways. This same man was after me and my/our daughter. He caught us at one time and gave her lunch and threatened to grind her fingers off in a meat grinder if she didn't eat all her food. We watched as this was happening to other children. ( My daughter really is a picky eater and this is a battle we have often, "She better eat all her supper" says her daddy. I disagree. A child will eat what they need and stop when they are full. ) Anyway she picked at it until she ate everything. I was afraid and had to protect myself from this man but I had the added weight and awkwardness of dragging her around w/ me as I tryed to run up the maze of alleyways. Finially he caught me and let my daughter go. But he wanted to have his way with me and for my saftey I let him. (this is often the case in reality, we are not intimate because I don't want to be but it's been a learned behavior that it is just easier not to argue about that and participate. So it's not a horrible mean act just not a welcome act. I was raped repeatedly in the past by an old boyfriend. Back to the dream. This owner was going to provide a romantic setting for me. He pushed the bed to the ledge in the upstairs of the ship so we would be overlooking the lower deck of the ship. While he was waiting for me to freshin up I returned and shoved the bed off the edge of the ledge and he fell, bed and all to his death. But the dream doesn't end there.......... My dreams reoccur and often create an extension of that dream. So this new part was not ending w/ his death but w/ him having faithful followers and they were trying to get my daughter and we were both trying to escape them. I was on that ship again just when I thought it was all over with because he was gone.

This was a very distressing dream. I am glad I can see the relation to some of this to my current situation and I just realized that upon writing that out here. But any suggestions as to what some of the other parts could mean. I also do not know if this is something to tell my T about to help her gain insight to my situation or would this make me appear even more strange and out of place then I already do.

Wow, this is really heavy.

So on the surface it's obviously a dream about being trapped in this marraige. You're trapped, along with all the different aspects of you, and all that remains is the victim part of yourself (which, by the way, is there not because of this relationship, but becasue of your past...just fyi). The master and his crew are the perceptions of all the ways he and the world has trapped you and your child in the household. Even with him gone, the expectations the world places on you still force you into their will.

But wait, there's more. Dreams are more about you than just your reaction to the world. We start with the same premise - your victim self, and this master self. The master could easily be the pent up aggression...the wanting to fight back, but being bound not to (because this aggression is the same thing you attribute to the oppressors that overpowered you). So you start in this boat - a physical embodiment of your physical body - adrift on a sea (and a large body of water is the representation of your emotions). Your aggression has been fighting and fighting to get some sort of release - to be heard....

Oh, before I get too far, the aggression is a primal reaction, so between that and it beign connected to your past traumas, it only makes sense that the slave master would be male...a human version of your animus combined with the pivotal shadow self.

Okay, so your aggressive master has overrun the ship, taking a crew of lesser quirks along the way. (( Did the crew arrive after the slaves disappeared, or were they there beforehand? If they were there beforehand, they're negative self-images that have risen to the surface. If they weren't there until after, the slaves - the other aspects of your personality - were transformed and turned to negative traits through the aggressive character. )) So not you're running around, trying to find who you are on the inside. You've tried just letting this aggressive side have you, but that isn't what it wants. And every time you kill it, it's going to come back. Stronger. You need to find out what it is your aggressive side wants, and then find a healthy compromise.

YIKES. Thank you so much. I am setting here right now with crocodile tears because I just want help. Your answer is such a blessing and answer to the confusion. I need help sorting it all out before I can make life changing decisions in my life. I don't want to make important decisions based on what I feel and want. I need to make the right decision based on what I know to be true, on facts. Other wise I'll regret a wrong decision for ever. Staying in an emotionally abusive relationship an being an overly sensitive trauma induced person is difficult and I am working on straightening out me before walking out on us, my H and I. It's not going so well this week though.

Thank you again for your insight. By the way the ship owner picked up slaves after docking. He was looking for folks who were fragile emotionally. Male and female but more female then male. (females being easier to control) . And The crew arrived after the slaves. Espicially after the death of the owner. They became the new threat and there was more than one of them, so more than one threat I presume.

I am wondering about sharing this dream w/ my T. She specializes in trauma work. Once before I have been told by her we need to stop trauma work because you have no safe outlet. I can't do trauma work while still being traumatized by my husband. You can't over come abuse of one kind while living daily w/ abuse of a different kind.

I cant think you enough for your resopnce. It is helpful to me just to let someone else into my mind. Dreams don't lie.

Definately share this wit hyour T. It's a big clue to what your subconscious needs.

I suffered from reoccuring dreams from age 7 to my mid 20's... not due to abuse as yours but loosing my best friend at age 7 to brain cancer All I could do in my dreams for almost 15 years... was to try my best to light up the four candles in front of the casket and once I did... there was a strange wind blowing them off... I understand now... much older... that I missed & loved her so much even as a little girl... However, had no understanding of death. I have not had these dreams since my 20's... but still remember them vividly. My suggestion to you... keep talking and writing what you feel... it does help your inner soul.

MedKev13 was right on the spot.
I also thought that you're not traped in a relationship, but traped within yourself.

"You need to find out what it is your aggressive side wants, and then find a healthy compromise."

Before telling about the dream you said 2 things not from dreamscape...
"I knew I would stray and be unfaithful "
" I was ready to leave him 10 years ago were just so unhappy"
I believe these also come from your "aggresive side", or "master self". What is it that you want but isn't able to reach? Is it a feeling, a state of mind, or to leave the big city and live in the country, perhaps another college or to live a fantasy, or just plainly put some things in its propper place, to fight crime in a batman costume, etc, etc, etc.
Something is missing that is causing this, I don't want to be cliché and say it may be something sexual but the theme starts at the "faithfullness" and goes all over the dream. But then your daughter enters the dream and it makes me think it is not sexual at all.
Maybe with one more piece of the puzzle...

Thanks, It may have been a faithfulness thing. I just don't know. I often think of what I could have, what I am setteling for, and how nice it would be to be treated with respect.

It could be about the struggle to stay out of harms way and keeping my little girl safe. Having her not see me in this situation so that one day she will never end up in a very controled lifestyle like I have. It's no way to live.