I'm a very light sleeper. If I fall asleep for a while, I usually end up waking up and getting online. I'm always searching for something online, and I don't mean something superficial. I'm looking for something to fix me or fix my life. Seeking a connection with something or someone that finally brings me peace of mind and a scrap or two of joy or understanding. It never quite happens though. I will sit here for hours in distress, at times almost collapsing on the keyboard in exhaustion. I will finally go to bed, and maybe sleep a few hours, and then get up and start searching again.

Rather than be productive and accomplish something, I just keep searching. Rather than channel my angst into my writing projects, I just keep seeking whatever it is that my psyche endless yearns for.

[shabur]

DeepSoul, I know that feeling. Are you in therapy? You may want to join a therapy group that focuses on your mental health issues. Each of you have similar issues and, if lucky, you have people who will be a part of your life for many many years.

Hi Shabur,

I went to several different therapists years ago, but it didn't help. I've never found the right therapist for my personality and issues. Every few months I will do a search again, and contact several psychologists, but they either don't accept my insurance, or I don't think their methods are compatible with what I need.

I was in an online psychotherapy type group for years. It helped me get closer to understanding some issues, but the group became progressively more like a cult over time, and so I had to leave it.

I would love to find a good psychologist to work with or a group, but so far I've not had any success with that.

In the past, I joined different social networks in an attempt to make friends having a mutual interest in working through stuff together, but that did not work out either, and sometimes just caused me more pain. Joining this site feels like my last hope for developing a support system.

[Thunder Bow]

What is it you are searching for online? Expecting someone to rescue you? Online is a bad place for that. No one can "Fix" your life for you any way. Only YOU can do that. Thus put away the computer at night and get some sleep.

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

What is it you are searching for online? Expecting someone to rescue you? Online is a bad place for that. No one can "Fix" your life for you any way. Only YOU can do that. Thus put away the computer at night and get some sleep.

Hi Thunder Bow,

It is not as simple as you make it sound. I would not be online so much or on this site if I knew exactly how to resolve whatever is bothering me. So far, it has been a mystery to me, which continues to elude me.

No, I'm not seeking to be rescued. It has absolutely nothing to do with that. I take full responsibility for helping myself, which means finding whatever it is that I'm looking for. There is no easy or simple way to explain what I'm searching for, since there are both conscious and unconscious aspects to it, which I'm trying to better understand.

It is not just about the Internet. I've been searching for something for at least 45+ years, and the Internet has not been around that long. I seek this mysterious "something" wherever I go in the world. However, I spend a lot of time online because my anxiety and depression issues keep me quite isolated from the world most of the time. Thus, I do a lot of my "searching" online.

You are right though that I need more sleep. However, my building distress and sense of desperation have pressured me into some unhealthy habits.

[Thunder Bow]

While you are franticlly "Searching", why not stop by and view one of my videos I made:

Cloud Warrior

Now tell me what you Found?

Thunder Bow,

I'm on a very low speed Internet connection at the moment, and so I cannot view/download videos. I'm hoping to have a new computer and high speed connection soon. I will view your videos when that happens.

I'm curious as to what you hope I will "find" through your videos. You could just tell me if you want.

Each person's path of discovery is very unique. What I need to discover cannot be taught by another person, just as you said that nobody can rescue another. Relationships and experiences with people/situations can help point me in the right direction, but only I can figure out what or where I'm being pointed to. I'm not special in that way though. In the end, I believe that everyone needs to find their own truth in what they are experiencing.

I have over 50 years of insight into the complexities/depths of my psyche. Yet, there is an important piece of "something" missing, which is "maybe" the key to what I need to know and experience. I'm hoping to come into relationship with that missing or still unconscious/repressed piece, hence my search, which sometimes feels "frantic," as you described it. Thus far, I've come close to the missing piece, and circled around it, but yet it continues to elude me. I realize that I cannot force something to happen before it is the right time, but yet I believe there is a purpose for my currently "frantic" feelings as well. Everything is as it should be, but that doesn't make it any less painful for me.

If I sound frantic right now, it is because of the increasing pressure I feel regarding my age and other circumstances in my life. The time is now for me. It has always been now, but my "Now" has an expiration date in this lifetime, as it does for everyone, and my awareness of having an expiration date has become a lot more vivid in my mind during the past few years. I'm sure there is something that I need to discover about this too.

I've read some of your posts, which are impressive. I've done many past dream interpretations as well.

[Thunder Bow]

Maybe it is best, you never find your "Missing Piece". The important thing is to keep looking and experiencing! Never ever stop doing that.

I am a 67yo. Navajo. I sent you a PM.

Originally Posted by Thunder Bow

Maybe it is best, you never find your "Missing Piece". The important thing is to keep looking and experiencing! Never ever stop doing that.

I am a 67yo. Navajo. I sent you a PM.

You may be right about that, and I've considered that possibility quite often. I think that some struggles or wounds are supposed to be there, to direct oneself towards something. In essence, an unconscious wound or struggle helps fulfill our purpose here. I know that is an odd way of viewing it, but I've always believed that. I don't know for sure if this applies to my "missing piece," but it is possible, and maybe likely.

Thank you for the PM. I just responded to you.