Fighting a losing battle

For 12 years trying to get a decent night's sleep becoming more and more elusive. Lately going to bed later and later. Usually I take sleep meds around 22:00 and sack out. Suddenly in the last two weeks I've been staying up past midnight then taking sleep meds. No matter what time I hit the sack I CANNOT get past 07:00 AM. The later I crash the more painful it is in the AM. It's like a hangover. Headaches, burning pain all over my body. Ringing in the ears. I think I am going to bed later is to simply avoid it. I could stay up all night every night. I am never sleepy, NO SOMNOLENCE!!! Never. Sleep med; Ambien works for maybe 3 - 4 hours. The Xanax carries to me to 7 AM but the whole time it's in and out, it seems I am awake the whole time. My appetite is shot. Didn't eat anything yesterday. I go two or three days without food, NO APPETITE. It hurts physically and I am angry! I thought I had worked out the major causes of depression but I think it is DEEP inside me now. Part of me, like almost second nature. I've given up on napping as there is no somnolence. I'm angry, sad, depressed and anxious all at the same time. AARGH!

What are you angry and anxious about? In now time I mean.

When I went on SSDI I began a journey to rid myself of thoughts I felt were causing me problems(or so I thought). Notably anger, resentment and lack of forgiveness to my family. I thought I worked it out as I rarely focus on those thoughts anymore. In 2003 - 04 when the dot com bubble burst I was unable to get a decent paying job and did a lot of temp work. I began to say out loud that I was a failure and continulously told myself I was a horrible sinner. I also began losing interest in my hobbies etc. Diet began to suffer as well. All my life I've had a lack confidence, lack of motivation, shame and a guilty conscience. I made the error of "coming out of my closet" in 1978 which sent the parents ballistic. In hindsight, I wish I never told them. They sent me packing after my dad threatened to "put me thru a brick wall". My sexual ID is no longer a big deal because I have nothing to do with gays or sex(in fact I sort of loathe them and consider most of them to be shallow and very narrow minded). I also thought once this ended my guilt, shame etc would wane.

So today my anger is simply: I cannot sleep. No somnolence, never tired. However I am beginning to think that after 40 years of being on the defensive and arguing within about how I was treated and who I am I may have altered my patterns of thought. I have become extremely cynical which gets worse. I have no idea about the future and do not want to live past 65. I had hoped I'd be dead by now. Due to religious reasons, suicide is a hard choice but a plan is in place and I have a Power of Atty. I might still have the same anger, resentment etc. issues as before but they are not in the forefront perhaps just buried. Some MD's say it's organic but as there is no proof I cannot bring myself to accept that. Well, for now that is all I can say. Thanks for listening.

Parents how are emotionally distant from their children, are that way because the too, got problems about being emotionally open. It usually has nothing to do with the children personally, or what kind of children they were. All children in this kind of situation, will think they are responsible. But this conclusion is not true, and never has been.

Your abuse complicated this even more. Work on your anger, but do not judge yourself.