[ladyrevan21]

I just don't know where to begin with this one.

Possible trigger:

Basically, it involved, as far as I can recall, my brother and I as kids. He was making some really depressing-as-heck Charlie Brown-related stuff, I was also kind of working on some projects, and my parents were kind of wondering why I didn't do something for my little brother. Now the triggering part actually comes in because there's one part where I try to commit suicide -- though it's like I'm an adult here, not a kid -- and my mom stops me in time, and then there's a horrifying moment where my kidself is actually physically abused for being "selfish", which got me horrified enough to force myself to wake up, at 1:49 this time. And when I went back to sleep, I tried visualizing trying to comfort that poor kid and tell her everything would be okay, not that it would help. Oh, and in the dream, I had a celebrity death -- Kevin Smith, to be more precise.

So yeah. Bad night, very bad night. Good thing is that I have group therapy later on today so I can try and tell them what's been happening. I probably don't have to go into specifics, but I can say I've been having these nightmares and need to find ways to cope.

[Thunder Bow]

Your wisdom is keeping yourself from hurting yourself. The abuse part can be a memory of being abused for being "selfish" in childhood, mixed with you judging yourself for being selfish in real life. It is OK to take care of yourself in real life, it is not being "selfish" to do that. Your wisdom is helping your transition from childhood hurts to adulthood.

[ladyrevan21]

I'll be honest, I'm not sure. I have this not-sure-if-a-memory-or-not thing of my brother and I being in a tent in the backroom and Dad shaking it. My brother hasn't corroborated it though so for all I know, I had a bad dream or something. I don't think (have right to adjust this on further data) I was ever beaten as a kid. I know for certain that I do tend to beat myself up for being "selfish" a lot (or whatever). So maybe it's just transitioning out of any childhood insecurities into adulthood.

[medkev13]

This is going to overlap a bit with ThunderBow....

This dream feels like the overlap of half-forgotten memories, and a reflection of who you were and who you are becoming...

First - were the adult you and the kid you separate, or was it the same you, but you were simply different ages at different points in the dream? (More simply put, was the adult you able to interact with the kid you?)
-->If the two are separate characters, this is most likely a subconscious reflection on how you've changed. More on that shortly...
-->If the two are the same character, then this is a change of perspective. It could be a subconscious regression, or it could just be your subconscious trying to come to terms with something unresolved in the past.

The depression here is an emotional theme. I wonder how your emotions were when you went to bed?

There's a big theme here about expectations. Let's dabble on that for the moment...
I see autism on your primary concerns list. One question you may want to ask yourself (and this will come back up later) is "How am I seeing what is expected of me in the world? Is it having a negative effect on my mood and outlook?"

The first major point in the dream is the statement of "why don't you do something for your brother?" Did you grow up feeling that you were being put second to your brother's needs? Does it seem true now, reflecting on it?

The dream flashes forward to you as an adult...briefly...and how your mother steps in in time to save you. This is most likely a reflection of how the first perspective has affected your development and growth. Do you place too many expectations on yourself? How do you see your part in society?

Your mother saves you. This is important. Since everyone in your dream is you at some level, the question becomes - What of your mother's traits do you see in yourself? Which of these have been helpful to you? What about negative traits? (I'd be willing to put money on the fact that if you felt like you were being treated lesser than your brother, you saw it from your mother...I'd also be willing to bet that the expectations of you needing to do things for him translated into giving to others without taking care of yourself...) Remember when I said how you see what's expected of you will come back? Here it is.

-->Of the expectations you might be feeling weighed down by, which are from others and which are from yourself?
--> Now, which of these are realistic and which aren't possible to meet?
--> Which ones are you feeling most hurt by not meeting? Is this helpful? Is it realistic?

From the being saved you return to your young self being abused for being selfish. As a child how did you handle the expectations put upon you? Is the abuse relevant to some hardship from your past?

Addressing the young you after the dream is a nice starting point. I'd encourage you to also look to that part of you that relates to your mother, for strength. And then taking a hard look at what is, and what isn't selfish...and what expectations you have on your plate. Of those, embrace the ones you've succeeded at, and cast aside the ones that are unrealistic. The only ones you need to concern yourself with are those that are feasible and helpful.

[ladyrevan21]

It was the same me, just at different points in the dream. And no, I don't think the adult me could interact with the kid me -- it was kind of like we shifted into two different entities. So a bit of both, maybe -- reflecting on how much I've changed

Possible trigger:

I mean, as a kid, I don't think I was really suicidal. I think the suicidal thoughts really started when I was a senior in high school and only got alleviated thanks to my therapist and my school principal making a safety plan. Come to think of it, a lot of my issues seem to have started from being a senior in high school onwards.

and a subconscious regression/my subconscious coming to terms with how I felt inferior as a kid. My parents never really did the whole "parental favoritism" thing (that I recall) but I do remember later in elementary school where I really became aware of how different I was. And I don't really know how I was before I went to bed -- anxious, maybe.

And I've definitely been aware of what's been...expected of me. Some of my teachers were very sympathetic to what I was going through, others kind of didn't really get it, and both definitely left their marks. And I suppose I do -- I want primarily to be a good writer, get my degree, maybe get married and have a family one day, as well as heal whatever emotional health issues I have, but sometimes it doesn't seem like...enough, I guess. I keep having pressure on myself to be free of any OCD-related traits, anxious traits, etc.

And no, I wasn't really put second to my brother's needs. My mom says that when I was two-and-a-half and my brother was first born, I was really just very resentful of him being born, and it took a while for us to actually bond. (We have a great relationship now. I can safely say that I am proud to be his older sister, and though he doesn't quite get my current mental health issues, he's been good in terms of just trying to calm me down -- or just talk about different stuff) It was mostly during that time that my dad kind of took me out of the house to do some activities while my mom was looking after my brother. I did have one moment, maybe a year ago when I thought that my brother was the "favorite" and I felt invisible, but that wasn't really the case.

As for which of my mom's traits I see in myself -- well, my mom tells me that I kind of remind her of herself when she was my age. In terms of negative traits, there's some worry about whether or not I can trust her, and in terms of helpful traits...before all this started, she used to talk about having compassion for even people I don't get, things like that. And she encouraged my writing. Even now, she kind of...encourages me. She had a moment of parental favoritism with my brother -- that I perceived -- last year, but she didn't really treat me as lesser than him. I think she loved us both equally, from what I can remember.

In terms of from society, it's being...well, kind of like everyone else, I guess. And pretending nothing's wrong...yeah, I guess that's one way to sum it up. Being a published writer, getting a degree -- that's realistic. Getting married and having a family...well, I guess I'll get there when I get there. And I guess I mostly feel hurt by not having a degree yet, not having anything published, stuff like that. And just being in a really bad mental state on top of it.

As a kid...well, I wasn't really good at meeting people's expectations. I think I might have gotten defiant later on, and started feeling threatened by...I suppose certain authority figures. (Some teachers I really got along well with, others I didn't) As for the abuse...as far as I can recall, I wasn't physically abused as a child. I wasn't beaten, I wasn't spanked, things like that. So I guess the abuse is more metaphorical than anything else. I kept "beating myself up" as a kid.

And thank you. Really.

I think the best I can do is focus on getting through school, getting a job, healing my brain, things like that. The rest...well, maybe the rest will work itself out. I hope.

[medkev13]

...Your little brother... This is something I didn't actually address directly. Hm....

Something to consider, as it follows the same formula of thought -
First, there is the fact that your brother is a projection of part of yourself in the dream (just as your mother is). So we ask "What in your brother do you see in yourself?" Same as with your mother, identify both negative and positive. Here, though, put an emphasis on looking for traits or needs that you're neglecting. (This accounts for the "Why don't you do something for your little brother" part.

---
I know this is redundant to the first post. Understand - the methodology I use emphasize self exploration first. So everything can become a point of depth. The purpose is to identify those different parts of yourself being projected, and embracing them as part of the whole (even the negative parts...especially the negative parts).

[ladyrevan21]

Well, we both have similar anxiety issues. We're both college students. And I have a lot of good memories of him, thankfully, including for back in 2013 when I was just really angry a lot of the time (I think another part of why I was angry a lot in 2013 was kind of feeling like I was being left by the wayside and feeling kind of alienated) and I'd just go on walks with him. In terms of traits that can be positive and negative at the same time, we can get overly passionate about things. I guess in terms of needs I'm neglecting, it's just sort of giving myself some room to breathe and such. Distrusting my family. Things like that.

(Even the flashes I've had I'm not so sure about. Maybe once I find coping techniques and things like that, things'll get clearer)

And no, it's not redundant in the slightest. I guess it's kind of a matter of allowing myself to breathe. And...probably more.