I believe that one of the things I need to be working on is my self-esteem. But I am not sure, after reading some things about self-esteem, that that is what I actually mean. I have no real problem telling myself I have done a good job of something. And I don't spend a lot of time worrying over mistakes.

But is that just sort of the outer layer of self-esteem? For instance, while I can acknowledge having done a bang up job painting someone's house, that doesn't actually have anything to do with me. It is just something I have done. So there is no lasting sense of goodness. It's like nothing really matters.

I guess what I struggle with shows up most in trying to form relationships. Twice recently I have said to someone that I have nothing to offer, specifically in a romantic relationship. I have been single for almost ten years. No dates, nothing. I can't get past the sense of shame that lives at the very core of me and tells me not to bother.

Is that a self-esteem problem? Or is it something else?

And then there are things I have done that other people find interesting and that could be the basis of some good conversations I guess (for example living in a Buddhist monastery for 3 years) But I have no desire to talk about these things, because they are in the past, and I have no sense of it having anything to do with me. No sense of ownership? And also because none of it has made me the person I wish I were, so it doesn't matter. Is that a self-esteem thing?

It doesn't seem like the simple measures suggested to increase self-esteem are likely to make a dent in these things...??? But I guess that's what therapy is for...???

[Yoda]

Hmmmm, I dunno. Not really sure if that is a self esteem issue or something else. Perhaps just a variation of normal???

The only thing I know to say is that I also feel that I have little to offer in a romantic relationship. For me it is okay that I am not pursing romance but I do wish I had more casual friends to chat with or visit.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by ripley

I believe that one of the things I need to be working on is my self-esteem. But I am not sure, after reading some things about self-esteem, that that is what I actually mean. I have no real problem telling myself I have done a good job of something. And I don't spend a lot of time worrying over mistakes.

But is that just sort of the outer layer of self-esteem? For instance, while I can acknowledge having done a bang up job painting someone's house, that doesn't actually have anything to do with me. It is just something I have done. So there is no lasting sense of goodness. It's like nothing really matters.

I guess what I struggle with shows up most in trying to form relationships. Twice recently I have said to someone that I have nothing to offer, specifically in a romantic relationship. I have been single for almost ten years. No dates, nothing. I can't get past the sense of shame that lives at the very core of me and tells me not to bother.

Is that a self-esteem problem? Or is it something else?

And then there are things I have done that other people find interesting and that could be the basis of some good conversations I guess (for example living in a Buddhist monastery for 3 years) But I have no desire to talk about these things, because they are in the past, and I have no sense of it having anything to do with me. No sense of ownership? And also because none of it has made me the person I wish I were, so it doesn't matter. Is that a self-esteem thing?

It doesn't seem like the simple measures suggested to increase self-esteem are likely to make a dent in these things...??? But I guess that's what therapy is for...???

For me, I had trouble because I stumbled over that word "esteem". What does it mean?

Well, after trying to improve mine for many years, I decided that, to me it means self-worth; self-value; self-love; self-image; self-care. And I had a whopping awful case of bad self-esteem when I came from my parents' house. This is no exageration: I used to believe, with all my heart, that it hurt people to look at me.

One of the things I did to remedy this was to work through a series of audio tapes called The Psychology of High Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Brandon. I'm not sure they are in print anymore. He used guided imagery to take you through your life beginning as a young child and sort of re-write your experience of your childhood. This is where your self-image begins.

The other thing that helped me which you may or may not find helpful, is to develop a deeply personal relationship with God. I do not mean religion. I am talking about faith in an all encompassing, all accepting, all loving God who loves me unconditionally. I had to learn to take the "daddy face" off of God and learn about a whole new type of love. I learned about grace, forgiveness, and acceptance. When I learned that I was perfectly OK the way I was and I didn't need to change a thing to be acceptable in God's eyes, it did wonders for my self-esteem. And I learned that I didn't have to carry the burden of solving all of life's problems all alone.

I hope that maybe a little of this has helped.

Thanks Vickie

I overlooked your post until now. I am familiar with Nathaniel Brandon. I think I have a book of his on my bookshelf. I'll have to take another look.
As for the god thing...that is a non-starter with me. I have left behind many a twelve step group because of their insistence on a belief in some such thing...I am not capable of that kind of belief. nor do I think I need to be in order to get well. Grace forgiveness and acceptance are human qualities. I do understand intellectually that to the extent that I can practice them on myself (as on others) I can feel better about myself. Perhaps someday that understanding will become a practice.

[billieJ]

Dear Ripley,Things that you have been through can leave you with self-esteem issues that are hard to understand. There are so many others like yourself, that you can help with your experience and support. There is someone - probably several someone's - that would deeply appreciate a relationship with you. Just as an aside, what do you think happened that created the world; the universe? billieJ

[Perna]

Self esteem is not necessarily the same as self image and it sounds like your self image isn't very good. I helped myself most when I became "friends" with myself, just as if I were someone else :-) and started enjoying my company, standing up for myself, etc. The only real way you can get a sense of yourself, I think, is by spending time with yourself and finding what you like, dislike, are good at, need help with, etc.

Did you see the movie, "Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts? The part where she does the work to find out how she likes her eggs :-) is what I'm talking about. Get to know yourself and as you do that, you'll get to like yourself and appreciate your "You-ness" and will be better able to identify with others and help others identify and enjoy you.

Thanks you for your replies billieJ and Perna. I had about forgotten this thread.

I do try to be helpful to others. I live and work in a boarding house for women with all kinds of problems. So there are often occasions for me to at least listen and share my experience where it fits, although I am not a counsellor per se.

The idea of making friends with myself is somewhat intriguing. I certainly don't have any problem spending time alone, but I can't say that I take much of an interest in myself in the way you suggest Perna. I'll have to think about that one.

[SolidSam]

Originally Posted by ripley

I believe that one of the things I need to be working on is my self-esteem. But I am not sure, after reading some things about self-esteem, that that is what I actually mean. I have no real problem telling myself I have done a good job of something. And I don't spend a lot of time worrying over mistakes.

But is that just sort of the outer layer of self-esteem? For instance, while I can acknowledge having done a bang up job painting someone's house, that doesn't actually have anything to do with me. It is just something I have done. So there is no lasting sense of goodness. It's like nothing really matters.

I guess what I struggle with shows up most in trying to form relationships. Twice recently I have said to someone that I have nothing to offer, specifically in a romantic relationship. I have been single for almost ten years. No dates, nothing. I can't get past the sense of shame that lives at the very core of me and tells me not to bother.

Is that a self-esteem problem? Or is it something else?

And then there are things I have done that other people find interesting and that could be the basis of some good conversations I guess (for example living in a Buddhist monastery for 3 years) But I have no desire to talk about these things, because they are in the past, and I have no sense of it having anything to do with me. No sense of ownership? And also because none of it has made me the person I wish I were, so it doesn't matter. Is that a self-esteem thing?

It doesn't seem like the simple measures suggested to increase self-esteem are likely to make a dent in these things...??? But I guess that's what therapy is for...???

In my humble opinion, I think it is a self esteem issue. Because saying you have nothing to offer, is something you can offer. It's almost being humble and down to earth, but a little too extreme. But instead of looking at it as being humble, you look at it as if you don't have anything.

I know that in my past, when I just began a deep friendship, I constantly asked why he even wanted to be friends with me. I said that I was boring, didn't have any friends, that I never did anything interesting, and that I didn't matter.

But ripley, you do matter. Everybody has something to offer. Even if what you have to offer is not being egotistical. A lot of people find that attractive. I bet you have a lot to offer but just don't see it for whatever reason.

I can't tell you how to build esteem because I don't know but it is possible, and anyone can.

I would recommend a T, as long as it's a good T. And you can make more than a dent as long as you keep trying.

Just my thoughts.