[beatlesmarley]

What exactly is the point of self-esteem? What's the point of liking who you are, what you look like, and how you act when nobody else will? Looking in the mirror, all I see is some stupid, ugly person who will never be anything in life. Well, except a failure I mean. And that's what everybody else probably thinks too. Growing up this is all I have heard, and I can see it is all coming true. My mom has always said that I'm ugly, stupid, and will never have a future in doing anything, and that I might as well not try to do anything because I will only fail. The weird thing is though, I know I'm not stupid, and I have a pretty darn high IQ. I know people like me, but I can't accept it. My mind just can't comprehend that people actually do like me, and that they don't all just want to hurt me. I don't think I'm good enough for people, and whenever I see my reflection I just want to barf. I'm not sure if this is entirely about self-esteem, I'm not sure what classifies as self-esteem, but i think the stupid, ugly part would be considered self-esteem.

My question is, how do you get rid of these mind-blocks that stop you from thinking you are stupid, ugly, a loser, etc.? I don't like feeling this way and I want it to stop.

Sorry for the long message, rant-type-thing. Thanks.

Hello, beatlesmarley. First, you go here: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=108173

Then here: Sticky: Welcome to the self-esteem forum! ( 1 2 3 ... Last Page)

And here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129

Click here too:http://psychcentral.com/resources/

My question is, how do you get rid of these mind-blocks that stop you from thinking you are stupid, ugly, a loser, etc.? I don't like feeling this way and I want it to stop.

You challenge every mind-block to uncover and debunk its fallacy.

Good luck.

[paddym22]

God what a question, how to debunk self esteem. Millions of pages of books have been written on the subject yet the phenomenon still exists. I too have horrible self esteem despite all the nice things people say to me I just dont believe them. But what I have started doing of late and is starting to help me feel better about myself is to do good things for other people without them knowing and it gives me a buzz as then I dont have to deal with all the embarrassement of them thanking me for what I have done. As to your feeling ugly about your looks what I have done recently is look after myself. I am male, so I make sure my hair is well groomed, I shave apporpriately and I look after my skin, I moisturise daily. So even if I am no George Clooney I can at least say to myself well you are as well groomed as George. Its a challenge but one that can be overcome by looking after number one, because one thing you can be sure of nobody else is going to bother.

How are you doing, beatlesmarley?

[beatlesmarley]

Sorry. I was going to answer but then I just couldn't. I don't know. Thank you for the resources/answers/help. I'm doing....eh...I wish I could say well, but I honestly can't say that right now. I think eventually the websites/resources will help though. Thanks.

You are a valuable and important person, beatlesmarley. Believe it!

P.S. - You have an eclectic taste in music?

[beatlesmarley]

Eh.

To the PS: Yeah, I do, I like everything musical, whatever genre/artist/style.

[Tatyana2009]

Hi, I just spotted this post, I think back from Feb.

What a beautifully written post. You have the writing ability to illustrate things with such clarity that I think you are very gifted. And intelligent. I am glad you can recongnise this in yourself. And - I am glad that somewhere deep down you know that those things your mom is saying - are not true.

Self esteem grows and develops. Its like a muscle - so we need to practice it a bit to let it get stronger and carry us. Its hard to do that when you are being put down constantly and are constantly scared of what will happen next. Also - when we are told so many times that we are worthless and that our future is a failure - we believe it. Its called the self fulfilling prophecy. So even if these things are not true - we render them true and as we believe in them our path in life will be guided by this belief. Thats the sad part.

So - the good part is - you have a choice. You can choose - not to believe these statements. They are only a statement by someone mean.

The other part - is working your muscle so it grows - so find ways to increase and better the way you see yourself to yourself. Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself 'I am pretty'. 'I am kind'. 'I am intelligent'. 'I am likable'. and so on.

You can also make a list - write down all the bad things she says and then against this list - write how you actually are. For example - She tells you you are stupid, horrible, worthless, fat, failure. Your good list - I am clever, nice, worthwhile, thin, a success.

The other way to increase self esteem is to protect ourselves from those who put our self esteem in danger - so if you know someone is hurting you - do not be around them. do not be their friend. if it is your parents - then tell your counsellor. The longer we are being told how horrible we are the more likely we are to believe it and our self esteem will be affected. Self esteem is good honey - it protects up. When we feel that it is low - we know something is wrong and needs to change. It does not mean that you will have low self esteem forever. It means you have to be brave and take the steps to grow that muscle.

I hug you xxx

[beatlesmarley]

hey.
eh thanks. i actually have (in my opinion) been a terrible writer. but anyway. thanks.
"Self esteem grows and develops. Its like a muscle - so we need to practice it a bit to let it get stronger and carry us. Its hard to do that when you are being put down constantly and are constantly scared of what will happen next. Also - when we are told so many times that we are worthless and that our future is a failure - we believe it. Its called the self fulfilling prophecy. So even if these things are not true - we render them true and as we believe in them our path in life will be guided by this belief. Thats the sad part."
yeah. i understand.
"So - the good part is - you have a choice. You can choose - not to believe these statements. They are only a statement by someone mean."
the problem is the "you have a choice. You can choose " part. i dont know if i am even able to choose.
mk. ill try to do that.
i guess i can try that. but in my opinion all the "bad things she says" are true, so how do i do that exactly?
mhm.mk. ill try.
thanks for the answer. and the hugs.

What is so insidious about your thought process, Carly, is how ready you are to believe the negatives but refuse to give yourself credit for the attributes and talents you know you possess. Can you explain this double standard?

By the way, have you put any effort into understanding just how pernicious cognitive distortions are? http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/

What benefit do you derive from playing up the negatives that when challenged prove to be untrue, while playing down your abilities and talents. What is the reward you derive from this tomfoolery?

Give yourself a chance for a better life. Be more honest with yourself, and bannish the negative chatter to the historical archives.

[seeker1950]

Byz said, "Give yourself a chance for a better life. Be more honest with yourself, and bannish the negative chatter to the historical archives."

WOW, that is worthy of posting on your mirror, so you see it every time you look into it. I may do so myself!

[beatlesmarley]

TheByz: when you say it like that...i dont know really. i cant explain it at all it just happens. and actually the first thing i thought when i read that was "i would give myself credit for positives, if i had any". but yeah. cant explain it at all.
yeah i just read that, about 11 fit me. now i have to fix it all. somehow.
i dont have any idea what the reward is for doing that. when i do, i cant see myself doing it, and i truly do see only the negatives i guess.
"Give yourself a chance for a better life. Be more honest with yourself, and bannish the negative chatter to the historical archives. "
wow. i like both of those sentences a lot. thanks. yeah. ill try.

seeker: i agree. completely. thanks

How are you doing, my friend?

[siempre nada]

I don't know, i really have no right to judge as i have the same issues myself. However I personally feel that if someone says something that is hurtful or something makes you feel insecure evaluate why you feel that way and if it's something you can improve. If someone says you're mean and you feel that way too, work on being nicer and eventually the original insult won't be true anymore and it won't hurt because its not true and you know it. Its something I'm trying to do as I am chalk full of insecurities and I find that it works. Its better than doing nothing about it.