I always feel so inadequate.

It's hard to tell in real life that I have very deep seated low self esteem, because I cover it up so well. I speak my mind, I don't ask for "extra compliments" and I seem content being me.

But I constantly feel so inadequate and the worse part is, is that I try so hard to not let others know this happens to me, but it eats me alive day in and day out. I was just sitting outside and they're doing construction on my road so cars were backed up and I kept thinking. "They think you're ugly". "Why aren't you working on a Monday!" "Why don't you walk the dog, instead of sitting outside with her! You Fatty!"

Yesterday I met my dogs previous owners and I was terrified they would think I was a terrible owner. And I felt like it compared to them. They had to rehome, because their dogs constantly fought and behaviorists couldn't help. And they were so perfect. They loved her more then me. They gave her more exercise. They took better care of her. And at the end of it, I know she wanted to be back with them and not with me.

I hate myself for never getting the chance to visit my dad's house and love on my kitties. I hate myself for sitting around all day and doing nothing. I hate myself for having such a messy apartment. I hate myself for being disabled and I feel like I'm just depleting the system. I'm just a measly parasite. I hate myself for having to sleep so much. I hate myself for loosing most of my friends. I hate myself for not showering regularly. I hate myself for not being able to function correctly in social situations. I hate myself for screwing my life up. I hate myself for not keeping in contact with my brother. I hate myself for stressing my family out. I hate myself for gaining all this weight. I hate myself for playing the victim. I hate myself for not being able to ask for what I need. I hate myself for living in this damn place for over a year and never putting toppers over my blinds. It looks ugly and it means I'm lazy. I could named at least 50 other things. But it's not worth the time.

I even hate myself for writing so much and taking up peoples precious time.

I am inadequate. Lowly. A parasite. I'm worth nothing. People love me and I don't even care.

((LydiaB)) - I'm sorry you're struggling with self esteem and feeling so bad about yourself. I'm having a very bad day and feeling disappointed and wondered how to answer your post - kind of like the blind leading the blind. I didn't want to leave it unanswered though. When we're depressed its common to have bad thoughts and put ourselves down - its like we're our own worst enemy. We wouldn't tolerate others saying these kind of statements therefore we shouldn't put ourselves down.

Beholden has a thread started in this forum and it caught my eye. I also know I'm not exercising or eating as healthy since I'm not happy. You have to start somewhere though...even if its small baby steps. Go ahead and take your dog for a daily walk. Save some money and go buy those toppers for your blinds. Make a short list and try to do 1 or 2 things. Some days you might not do any and that's okay too. Maybe you can get the book Beholden recommends and start small, so you can feel accomplished. All human beings matter and please don't think of yourself as a parasite. I hope you can do some small things so you can start feeling more positive.

I took your advice, took my dog on a really lovely "leaf walk". Took some photography. Let her chase her squirrels. (she's a coonhound/doberman) so it's in the blood. Spent about two hours out there, and for now I am content with myself. Thanks Lynn.P

Wow that's fantastic ((LydiaB)). Its beautiful when the leaves turn color isn't it? I'm happy you went for a walk and I'm sure your breed of dog loves the exercise. Hopefully I can take my own advice and take little baby steps too. Be good to yourself for me.

Lydia:

It sounds to me like you have high aspirations (which is great) but an inner critic with the warmth and understanding of a grumpy drill sergeant who hasn't had morning coffee yet (not so great!) and I suspect, a lack of confidence in your abilities and low assertiveness?
I have the same combination going on, and it does lower self esteem!
Kudos to you for doing something you enjoy, treating yourself kindly. That's an important antidote to what we have going on.

Here are some sites I am reading which may be helpful to you too:

http://www.self-esteem-experts.com/s...ctivities.html
http://www.doorway-to-self-esteem.co...ctivities.html
http://www.about-personal-growth.com...criticism.html

I have a pretty fierce inner critic too, Lydia. I came here to talk about how I always think of myself as stupid--but now I don't want to hijack your thread. I will talk about it, though. In my own thread. I'm just going to wait, because I'm being called away from the computer by our cats. BRB everyone.