[ladytiger]

my therapist and I have been talking about having your own identity which I have no idea what that means. whatever I wanted to do something, my parents would destroy it. I told my therapist a couple months ago that my identity has always been money and she asked why.

I told her my parents have always stolen from us with no apologies so my sister and I would steal from them - what's fair is fair. I told her it just became apparent that money would be an identity for me I would do anything that resolves around money and I don't do free work for anyone not in this kind of economy we are in. she looked at me all puzzled as many others have done it too. i dont know what's so puzzling about what i say it seems as though we have lost common sense in america.

I told her people have identities and I don't. I don't know anything about myself because things were never taught to me and my parents never allowed me to grow, learn, or develop anything about myself that has always been a struggle for 16 yrs (am now 27).

so, i am going to start learning things on my own which wont be easy for me. i had this discussion with my bf about last week's session and i told him i guess i do ask a lot of questions about these issues that i am discussing with the therapist. i told my bf i have so many questions about life that i never knew anything about because it was always in shades of grey.

so, i told her(therapist) I don't do anything unless there is something in it for me and I do stuff with my mom so I can get money out of it. yes, my dad has always been an ATM to us my sister told me to hit them up for money for all it is worth she is 43 lives in jp on the navy base with her naval hubby. she did this when she was a kid way before I was born and steal the money from my mom as they never wanted to be parents. my sister did this yet nobody isn't complaining about it, but everybody is ganging up on me about me stealing from my mom. talk about an oxymoron and contradicting!

I am not working, college educated but can not find any job! don't talk to me about going back to school i don't feel like re-explaining myself again and again about that issue not what i am asking about. therapist and i have talked about my low self esteem well when u have been called every name in the book by your parents how r u suppose to see yourself?

mom used to tell me people can sense low self esteem well no duh your the cause behind it! people tell me i cant use money as an identity even my therapist says it is not healthy i said entrepreneurs see what? dollar signs why do you think they work so hard to be the person they are today? i use money as a motivation hence is why i am still fighting to land a job anywhere with some exceptions to it.

so, i am still confused by this finding my identity. she told me that is something I have to find within myself as she can not find that for me same with my boyfriend he said the same thing. i told them how i went on in my life without an identity and i said well money just seems to motivate me for some reason. does anyone have any suggestions? no, i have no interest in volunteering right now my main focus is an income a j.o.b.!! my social worker said maybe i should do a little volunteering to add new skills but that is also not helping me in getting a real job and moving out.yea, u can say my ox is in a ditch.

right now, my therapist had me to fill out a paper on the rearview mirror syndrome and answer some questions on it. she told me i have to take responsibility for myself and i told her ok, first thing to do is get a job that's when the responsibility will take place and then everything else will follow through. let's start with landing a job first.

she knows i am still looking for a job and dont have much job experience. i feel as though she is expecting me to do xyz in such a short amount of time when the therapist said things dont happen that way.

[Travelinglady]

See now, you are listening to your mom more than your therapist! Who is the expert? And as you say, who caused your identity issue to begin with?

What is identity? Well, actually when people are asked, "Who are you?" they usually begin with describing the roles they play, and often that begins with what job they hold. But even without a job right now, identity also ties into your hobbies and interests, other roles you play, what you value in life, what your beliefs are. These are created by choices YOU make.

As you say, you have basically been a puppet for your parents, and they have played a role in your being slow about becoming independent and being your own person. (I know how that is. My parents were a lot like that, too.)

It might be hard, but try to start being your own person. You ARE an adult now and you can lead your own life and make your own choices. You don't have to always please your parents. (On the other hand, don't rebel against them for the sake of rebelling.) I hope this helps some!

Yes, some people do get wrapped up in money. I encourage you to try to find other "interests" as well.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

See now, you are listening to your mom more than your therapist! Who is the expert? And as you say, who caused your identity issue to begin with?

What is identity? Well, actually when people are asked, "Who are you?" they usually begin with describing the roles they play, and often that begins with what job they hold. But even without a job right now, identity also ties into your hobbies and interests, other roles you play, what you value in life, what your beliefs are. These are created by choices YOU make.

As you say, you have basically been a puppet for your parents, and they have played a role in your being slow about becoming independent and being your own person. (I know how that is. My parents were a lot like that, too.)

It might be hard, but try to start being your own person. You ARE an adult now and you can lead your own life and make your own choices. You don't have to always please your parents. (On the other hand, don't rebel against them for the sake of rebelling.) I hope this helps some!

Yes, some people do get wrapped up in money. I encourage you to try to find other "interests" as well.

i am giving a background think before you speak! talk about 16 years of brainwashing ya know? i give backgrounds about myself then work up to present day i dont want people giving out assumptions that aren't true. today, i had my session with my therapist. we talked more about the rearview mirrow syndrome and i told her i do ask a lot of these questions like some kid because i am trying to tie these issues to something that wasnt there growing up to now.

interesting you said u dont have to please your parents. i told my therapist about how we discussed these issues with the job hunting etc are in the back of the trunk and will come back to it later when the time is right. i told her it doesnt help when you have people (parents or not) screaming down your throat like barbarians daily about what u should do.

i told my therapist how my mom said i am almost and i dont have this that or these. it doesnt help either when u graduated in 2010 (or for those later) in this economy and u can not land a job anywhere. she said i need to filter out the info that is gonna be useful and the garbage to let it fly by. she doesnt want me to get defensive every time someone suggests a job hunting idea to me.

well, i have done my own filtering and she told me people don't need to know whether you filter their info or not. i did bring into several sessions ago a paper i typed out on pros/cons of employment. i had more cons than pros because i cant just sit here update/add new skills and there is no income for me to do anything with. she told me put it in your trunk and you will come back to it later.

i told her all of this "fluffy job advice" out there shouldnt be an umbrella where one size fits all and thats the prob i have seen a lot in the job market. i told her my parents are just plain barbarians cant even read a damn book in peace without yapping down my throat! right now, i am not in the mood to be reading i feel i am coming down with something.

she asked me what do you have control over now? i said finding a job and hopefully get employed she said thats all u can do. i did tell her people have told me how "that's not enough for them," which hearing that makes everything overwhelming and she said i agree but you are in different situations than they are so who cares what they think?

i also told her the reason why for years i care about what people think is this is my "odd way" of finding acceptance and she said but that is not a healthy way of finding acceptance. like she told me, this is not an easy road you are on starting over.

honestly, i have always listen to the bad instead of the good and just follow anything/anywhere. she said u have very very limited resources i said i agree i've been telling that to people for a long time yet they feel i have all the resources in the world!

i told her think of it this way my parents drama is like an addict how do you escape an addict? well there's no place for me to go at all.

my therapist said you can control the things you do as you are working on becoming a better you, right? i said yea as well as attending the workshops at the women's center. the other issue i am still not understanding is putting your mind to something you can achieve. i told my bf and therapist what does that mean? sounds nice but what does it mean? i never understood u can put your mind to anything.

so yea, i am still working/figuring out that part.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, this situation won't be solved overnight, since as you say, you're had years of brainwashing.

I hope you feel better soon!

[2_b_free]

As much as money means to you, getting work doesn't seem to be a big priority. Do you live with your parents?

Much of my self esteem and self control comes from my career. The money is important it funds everything else going on in my life.

If I ever find myself unemployed, I would go back to washing dishes, fast order cook, bag girl at a supermarket.

For me there is a difference between finding a job and finding work. There is plenty of work out there if you're willing to do the menial labor till you find something better. Or you can turn your nose up and wait for a job you like. That could take a very long time though.

Instead of dwelling on the problems, start dwelling on the solutions.

[ladytiger]

Originally Posted by 2_b_free

As much as money means to you, getting work doesn't seem to be a big priority. Do you live with your parents?

Much of my self esteem and self control comes from my career. The money is important it funds everything else going on in my life.

If I ever find myself unemployed, I would go back to washing dishes, fast order cook, bag girl at a supermarket.

For me there is a difference between finding a job and finding work. There is plenty of work out there if you're willing to do the menial labor till you find something better. Or you can turn your nose up and wait for a job you like. That could take a very long time though.

Instead of dwelling on the problems, start dwelling on the solutions.

thats a lot of guts to tell someone finding work isnt a big priority. try doing some research on the economy 38% of the unemployed cant find a job. so, its not a big priority for me huh? well why do i look for jobs 3 times a week? sometimes i have to look less because i dont fit the requirements for the job.

u dont live in AZ so dont speak about something u dont know if more people did that, that would be a blessing for me. menial work? how do i get employed doing that? we all know degrees will outweigh low paying jobs. how many times have i said in other forums on here that i have a degree, applied to many low paying jobs, and still not hired?

dont gimme that garbage oh there's plenty of jobs then like i tell many working people, if that's so true, then the now 38% of the unemployed would be hired. ive had applied to numerous job positions low paying to decent paying and still no answer from employers. i did have an interview last month at a friend's company and didn't get the job but left a great impression. again, if there's plenty of work, why do we have all of this protesting on employment issues/discrimination? why are more nonprofit agencies popping up to fight for employee rights and hire people regardless if they are experienced or not? take your blinders off maybe you can see the forest for the trees!

i wont be getting kudos from u cuz going to interviews and not getting hired must not be a BIG PRIORITY to you. i gave myself kudos dont need it from negative folks like you. at least, an interview is better than nothing even though i was not hired. i dont need to keep hearing the same garbage ur telling me about the job issues heard it from elsewhere too aka a bunch of fluff.

i take what i hear, filter what will/will not work for me, and disregard the stuff that i know didnt work. the job advice is not a one size fits all for everybody and that type of thinking should be changed. if i were you, id go back and do some research find something to speak on and rebuttal against since you have nothing to argue with me about.

where i live, there isnt much work even when the economy was in a good shape and before i was even legal to work! ive had employers tell me in career fairs and interviews how they have nothing for me because i lack experience.

yes, i live at home. how many times have i said that in other forums on here? i am being more careful than ever before on choosing a place to work in as i am visually inspecting how the interactions are with the employees and customers. yes, at the workshops, they told me look for that plus how well or not so well the interview goes.

let me put it this way how many different employment services have you gone to that didnt really help, applied for everything under the sun, barely any interviews, and still not hired? you mean to tell me im throwing myself under a bus and finding a job is not my top priority? really? gosh, you wanna talk about full of **** that took to a whole new level!

gee, what is a top priority? i guess your definition and mine are two complete opposites. i get it everywhere i dont have enough in me to find any job blah blah i dont need your negative attitude telling me what to do, how to do it, or how to look for a job. there was something specific in my post i was asking, i guess u cant answer it so dont bother speaking to me.

like my therapist said what do i have in control now? people like you will say what they want. like i always tell people, wash your hands clean and make sure you are perfect before u speak to me.

http://jobs.aol.com/articles/2013/02...iscrimination/
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/1...n_2291767.html
http://www.theatlantic.com/business/...charts/266118/