....I didn't know it was THAT bad

I don't know if this should go under sanity score or this....anyways, my score for self-esteem on the sanity score was 100 out of 100! I was answering honestly and I never thought it would be that bad! I thought I was normally putting myself down with thoughts like everyone else does occasionally, I....just.......well.....maybe it is that bad considering every single day I wake up and the first thought that runs through my head is,"Don't forget, your so, so so,
f---ing ugly!"
Now I realize I don't put myself down occasionally, it's a daily thing. It's gotten so bad and now I'm realizing it, I used to be able to take criticism very well, but now, if you said the most simple thing like,"You should change soandso"
I feel the tears welling up and I think, "You better not f---ing cry you little stupid b----!" I used to take compliments well, now I almost never get compliments, but when I do I assume they're just saying that and they don't really mean it. Which I know they don't because they are all full of it. And when I walk down the hallways of school, people laugh at things I don't even know but I think "They're all laughing at you!" And my heart starts pounding and my face gets all red. People usually tease me behind my back, but there pretty stupid about it. Two girls were sitting at the desks in front of me so I could see their faces and they were saying the meanest things about me,"She's so pathetic" "Stupid B----" things like that. I feel as if I'm a punching bag, people all saying things that are like punches to my soul. I can feel the last 3 years of "punching" and now it's taking its toll on me. I guess I do have a self esteem issue. I hate everything about myself-I am near friendless, ugly, unintelligent, lazy, shy, so shy I taught myself how to laugh without smiling,I have the worlds ugliest curly hair, I am terrible at any and all sports, I'm almost unlovable by anyone except my parents, I've walked this world for who knows how long without a hug from anyone, I'm kinda fat, I've got too much fat on my belly, and I'm unmotivated to do the simplest things. There's a lot more bad things about me than that, trust me on that one, but this is really long, so now I'll get off my soap box and let you guys say something, if you want. I'm hopeless.

Awww. Sounds like things are really hard for you. I also have a tendency to think people are talking about me, and that nothing I do is good enough for anyone. I feel fat even though I'm bordering on underweight, and I'm a lost cause at sports. I scored a 60 for self-esteem once, and I never even had to deal with bullies (apart from my brother, but that's a different story).
You're not alone. Not anymore.

I'm not alone? Not anyone? I thought I was alone all my life, no one would EVER feel the spiritual, mental, and emotional torture that I have been going through for the last 3 years. I never knew there was someone out there, someone who could at least relate to me a little bit. I've been an empty shell of a human for 2 and a half years, and maybe, just maybe, I could get a little of my soul back.

Yeah, I got the impression that you feel completely alone, but you're really not. There's a lot of us out there unfortunately. There are people who can relate, trust me.

If there are a lot of people out there who can relate to me, then why haven't I met any of them? I don't know anyone who's got a chubby tummy like me. I don't know anyone who is concerned they have depression, heck I don't even know anyone who has ADD, like me! Maybe you can be the first who can relate to me...

In my town, obesity is the norm. You definitely aren't the only one with weight problems.
When it comes to mental health issues, it could be that most people are good at hiding their problems. I spend about half my time feeling depressed, and have learned to laugh and pretend I'm fine.

Yeah...I tend to say I'm fine to everyone when I'm really not. I can't relate to anyone in my town...the only thing everyone except me has in common is that everyone is Mormon! And I don't even live in Utah. I did a BMI test earlier on here and I'm not overweight yet....I'm about 2-3 points away though....I guess I just overeat a lot... and maybe I should get off my lazy butt and do something...my arms are really skinny and my hands are too big for my wrists. And I have glasses and my vision is 20/200 which is TERRIBLE. I'm also very pale. I used to live in California then I moved away to a colder place and now I'm as pale as my butt was when I lived in California. I've got a freckle on my chin and it looks like I just ate chocolate. My feet are a shoe size 9 in women's and I am only in my early teens. I have very tone calves and- wait...why am I explaining what I look like to you? Well I hope you enjoyed my description of my self.

I also have horrible vision. Even worse than that. It sucks. I think pale is attractive. I can't stand when I see someone with a tan or a spray tan or whatever. I find it to be so unattractive. Also there's nothing wrong with freckles.

You think pale is attractive? Huh. If that's the case I'm probably the most attractive person in the world. I hate my vision I can't even see the big "E" clearly! When I get older I will get laser eye surgery, and anyone with glasses will understand this: isn't it EXTREMELY annoying when it's raining and you get a bunch of water dots on your glasses? I know it's really annoying because I live in a place where it rains a lot. And I'm so glad there's nothing wrong with freckles! Yay freckles! Just one thing though, would it be...oh, I dunno, strange if someone,oh, shall we say, count their freckles? *cough cough* I have 16 *cough cough*

I have more than that one finger! No kidding! I am covered in freckles--expect about five inches on my back and the bottom of my feet.

Generally, people who sit and find fault with themselves and everyone else and the world in general, feel miserable,,, how odd is that ? and people who put a pleasant spin on whatever happens end up feeling happy... i wonder if there is a connection?

i am a "recovering addict" of the down and dirty school of thought, and can be easily dragged back into criticizing and downgrading and rebuffing, so i know how easy it is to be that way and how hard it is to stop. all i can say is: it's never too soon to start trying to change. unless you really secretly love being miserable (there is a condition called masochism, which is just that).

if you find you are having difficulty changing on your own, there are methods, "therapies", self-help techniques to help you. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) helps many change the way they think and feel and behave, though it's not for everyone. DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) includes and emotional and mindfulness compononent missing in CBT. there is a buddhist Mind Training program, if you are familiar with the principals or willing to learn, called Lojong Mind Training. and one very much underestimated therapy i favor, called Volunteer Work.

at any rate, no one is going to change the world for you, if they could, and if that would even help (which it likely would not, since this is an Internal World View). here is a proven recipe for change if you are ready: Decide to Change. Decide WHAT to change. Change what you can when you can. Praise yourself for changing.

Best Wishes
Gus

((((((((Gus)))))))) !!! Great posting.

To all on this thread...I had a therapist once in the beginning of therapy (had 45 years of therapy!) who used to call this sort of thinking about myself:

"Stinkin Thinkin"--she actually asked me to leave the session once because I would not stop putting myself down...and I thought, like others here:

"It's only me. I am all alone. No one else has had to live the miserable life I have And, it's everybody elses' fault that I am so miserable."

The way I was "thinking" of myself made me "Special" in my misery...

Her tactics were rough...but I needed someone to knock me off my stubborn pedestal of negative thinking ("stinkinthinkin").....I discovered that I was not "the only one" that miseries I endured in my life were no where near what many others suffered...

As (((Gus))) stated: "{my View of the world and others} was an INTERNAL WORLD VIEW" This was not the way to live.

I am of this world. I am part of civilization. I socialize with others now...I feel compassion, kindness...I give and I take with gratitude today!!

It was a long, DIRTY job to clean up my thinking.....but I did.

" here is a proven recipe for change if you are ready:

Decide to Change.

Decide WHAT to change.

Change what you can when you can.

Praise yourself for changing. "

Yes! the right recipe for living life to the fullest!!! Thank you, Gus, great "recipe"...!!



Pax~~~~~~~~~virago

lol, that's fine! I have the same thin-arm big-hand thing you do, and my vision is just hidious. I don't wear glasses or anything, but I can't read normal sized print unless it's like, a foot and a half from my face. I have a giant mole on my upper lip, so I don't think freckles are so bad (good thing, because I have those too).

So, yeah.

I have a mole on my upper back, when I found it I was like 8 and I screamed THERE'S A HOLE IN MY BACK! And I have a birthmark on my stomach next to my belly button that looks like a football. Interesting.

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but when does this epiphany happen? Where does this sudden burst of confidence to change happen?

It doesen't always need to be an epiphany or confidence... for me, it was desperation and stubbornness! I'd OD'd when I was 15, and got caught, so I spent a few days in the hospital and had to see a councellor afterwards. I was horrified that I'd been caught, because I worked so hard to hide everything. I didn't want meds or to be diagnosed, and I figured if I was going to keep faking it, at least I could attempt to change myself and my outlook a bit to make it easier to fake it. Then some things became habit, and then eventually things started to get better and more tolerable. Still have relapses, but at least I know what to work myself back to!

Freckles are supposed to be known as kisses from the sun, at least that's what i was told when i didn't like mine-it made me feel better

I never thought of it that way. I though the sun was putting a magnifying glass to a little patch of skin until it turned dark

I know I'm not the one who originally posted the message. But I will speak to it, for anyone who's interested.
I still don't think too highly of myself most of the time, but it's a far sight better than what I used to think. I spent most of my teens locked away in a room - when I wasn't out getting trashed - crying and raging because the world hated me and there was nowhere for me to go. I was stupid, ugly, fat, had no use in life. I tried to end it all once when I was 15. I had become that tired of the life I was living, and that convinced that what I believed of myself and the world around me was the truth.
My twenties weren't much different, except that I was no longer in high school so I had to move out of my parents' house and drag myself through the world feeling that way. I didn't get a mental health diagnosis until I was 30 (four years ago). It should have happened long before that.
It's WORK to change that thinking. It doesn't happen over night. It's not some psychic change for most folks (some say it is, but very, very few) where they just wake up in the middle of the night and think "I'm done thinking about myself/the world this way!" and that's really it for them. It involves challenging those thoughts every time they come up, or every time you are aware that they are coming up. For awhile all you might be able to do is be aware of them. That's the worst part because it feels like torture. But after awhile it is possible to start challenging them.
Example: "I'm fat/ugly."
Me, to myself: "Who says? And compared to what? Whose standard am I comparing myself to? A body can look many different ways. This is the way mine looks. I might not be 100% okay with it right now, but it's gotten me through this life and that's something to be proud of."
Example: "I'm a failure. I didn't do it right. I didn't do well enough. I'm not good enough."
Me, to myself: "I did my best. I honestly did my best. There was nothing else I could have done."
And just because I'm challenging the thoughts doesn't mean they don't come back, or keep playing over and over again on an endless track in my head. And when I notice that happening, I have to shift gears and get into something else. Even if it's just a distraction. And the less space I have made in my life for those thoughts and the energy they bring with them, the more positive energy/people/things I have attracted.
It's taken me 16 years of therapy, recovery, psychiatry, self-discovery and spiritual work to get to this place. It's a gradual process. But it does get better. It just takes work.
Hang in there, all you who are struggling.

You know what, you are definitely not alone. I HATE the way I look. I can dress up and look nice in pictures but if you see me in person its like YUCK. I am way too fat and I have horrible acne. And when it rains, I get those awful drops on my glasses too! God, thats so annoying. Even under an umbrella the wind picks up and hits my glasses with rain anyway. BOO!

But its hard finding people to relate to. Other than some online friends I have no real life friends in my life right now. They are either too busy or just forgot about me, because I am well. forgettable.

So. no worries. No reason to feel alone

Yeah. I feel your pain.