[Floralies]

I have very low self-esteem. I never feel good about myself, I constantly judge what I say, how I should have said it etc. I have poor boundaries if someone says something I disagree with. Instead of realizing it is just their opinion I am completely defensive. I don't think before I speak, like there is no filter. Then I feel bad for being defensive and then self sabotage myself and go out drinking. Then I come home and have a fight with my husband. Then I beat myself up for all those things literally for days. I need everyone to like me to make me feel good about myself. I constantly need praise. I want people to be proud of me. I always wear the most fashionable clothes because maybe people will like me more, but the same old personality comes out regardless of what I am wearing. I have very painful emotions. I cry constantly. Shame and the low self-esteem is creating major anxiety about being judged, rejected and abandoned. I need to learn how to love myself. I have absolutely no skills to help myself.
Please help me. Thank you.

[manwithnofriends]

...you actually DON'T need help. Think about it.

[Floralies]

Hi manwithnofriends. Intellectually, yes I am very aware of all my low self-esteem issues, but the problem with me is this is a repeated pattern and has been all of my life (50 years). I cannot seem to keep all that I do and want to change at the forefront of my mind at the same time because there are so many things to think of at once that I have to work on, so I end up doing the same thing over and over. Call it a partial mental block...I don't know, but I need some tools to help me with this.Thank you.

[wiltedxdaisy]

I too have low self-esteem, and some of things my therapist has suggested for me are: Sitting in front of a mirror and telling myself that I am beautiful (even if I don't believe it, the more you say it the more you mind will start to believe), or acknowledge something about myself that I like. For me, it is my eyes. Another thing is to try learning how to accept compliments. This is very hard for me, but my T told me to just have fun with, even joke about it. Like for example, if my Fiance tells me I look nice, I will respond with something like "I know, I'm stunning!" Even though I don't believe it, I am accepting the compliment, which after awhile gets easier and easier. Another thing I do is try to use positive affirmations throughout the day. Here are some I found on a website for helping with self-esteem (and if you don't like these just make up your own: When I believe in myself, so do others. I am my own unique self - special, creative and wonderful. Also, I like to make lists of things I have accomplished, things I am good at, etc.

I hope you will find some of these ideas helpful... They have helped me a great deal.
Best of luck to you in your journey on loving yourself!

[coleychi]

Gosh. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I never feel good about myself. I see everyone with a judgmental eye and, of course, the price of that is that I judge myself even harder. I set impossibly high goals that I couldn't possibly achieve, which further reduces the tiny bit of self-esteem I have. I want people to like me too. And I want to be the best at anything I do. I differ from you in that I'm so afraid of people not liking me that I lose (the little) personality that I have. If someone says something that I don't agree with, I'll just agree because I don't have enough courage to stand up for my own thoughts.

Have you seen anyone for your self-esteem issues? Maybe working with a therapist will help, even if it's just a little. I've been in therapy for five years and my self-esteem is still microscopic and I still think very poorly of myself... but I'm not avoiding social situations for fear of being judged as much. And I'm learning to accept my efforts regardless of the outcome. I'm not where I want to be on the self-esteem spectrum yet, but I'm making progress (albeit, slowly).

I agree with wiltedxdaisy's suggestion-- positive affirmations can help and are a good starting point. I make an effort to say some when I can although sometimes, I feel silly standing in front of the mirror and saying nice things about myself. I've also heard of people writing affirmations on their mirrors in dry erase marker or on a post-it in a place they will see it often. Even if you don't believe them at first, keep repeating them until it sinks in and until you believe it. It's important to make the effort though. I haven't given positive affirmations a fair try yet... I'll usually stop after a day or two... maybe that's why my self esteem is still so low.

[-jimi-]

Maybe you need to focus away from yourself once in a while and be less self aware. Focusing on yourself can be necessary at times but can also cause a lot of anxiety. Try to find some DEPTH in life to compete with your social issues and how you want to present yourself. And as a practice, you should probably go buy a piece of clothes out of fashion but something YOU really like.

[anna_goth27]

I find sometimes, if I do something right, to mentally really praise myself and to attempt to dwell on that good aspect as long as possible to remind myself I am not all bad.
Self sabotage is a serious thing, but I find that it just makes things do much worse so a step at trying to stay strong and getting help and avoiding what your self sabotage is can help at least eliminate one of the sources of anxiety.

Otherwise, I am pretty much on the same boat so I am still trying to figure it out myself. As hard as it may be, try to relax and accept that you did your best based on your capabilities and that you will try and work at it for next time. We can be such stiff judges of ourselves, but at least finding something that can relax you can help ease and clear your mind a bit, even if at first the lasting effects can take time.

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[tinyrabbit]

I think it's time to think about what you like and who you want to be, rather than trying to fit what you think you should be. You need to learn to like yourself. What if you wore clothes you love, for example, instead of ones other people will approve of?

[dpcrew]

That's an incredibly open and honest post, thanks for posting it. I think most of us can relate to it.

For me, one of the things that helped me overcome similar feelings was scheduling my day so fully that I was/am constantly focused on something (whether it's reading, working, resting, etc.) - I always have a plan for what I'd like to be doing. Sort of my version of intentional living. I have used several online tools to help me with this, starting with Evernote, Clear and now I am hooked on simplist.me.

Taking the focus off of yourself on ON getting something done not only takes away a lot of the time you have to overthink, you also end up getting a lot more done that you want to get done, which makes you feel good about yourself!

[BLUEDOVE]

This impulse to 'please' others stems from when we
were children and tried to 'please' our parents so that they 'might' love or give affection to us. NOW,
in present time,we make the people around us into
SURROGATE PARENTS by pleasing them,just as
we did in childhood. It is a powerful impulse;even
after I seen it in black+white and understood it, I
was STILL doing it! The child was still looking
for love and affection.
But this is a degrading way to
live. I know this,now that I do NOT do it,and can
look at it from a wiser perspective.People pick up on it and treat us accordingly (like ****)! If you need anymore info on this message me,I'll help all
I can.
Blessings,
BLUEDOVE

[anna_goth27]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

This impulse to 'please' others stems from when we
were children and tried to 'please' our parents so that they 'might' love or give affection to us. NOW,
in present time,we make the people around us into
SURROGATE PARENTS by pleasing them,just as
we did in childhood. It is a powerful impulse;even
after I seen it in black+white and understood it, I
was STILL doing it! The child was still looking
for love and affection.
But this is a degrading way to
live. I know this,now that I do NOT do it,and can
look at it from a wiser perspective.People pick up on it and treat us accordingly (like ****)! If you need anymore info on this message me,I'll help all
I can.
Blessings,
BLUEDOVE

Wow. This full-heartedly. I know I am wrong for looking for acceptance elsewhere instead from within myself. But its so hard to break out of it. I wish so badly that I could stop caring about what people think and yearning so much acceptance. I find it just causes me too many problems and that I am unhappy because of it. I wish it was easy to learn to love myself.

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