Shame blocking self esteem

I think being shame-based since early in my life, my entire ability to perceive self esteem was disabled to a large extent. I don't think my parents instilled in me that success was something that... 1. was even possible and 2. was rewarding or was something to be proud of. My father taught me to only focus on my mistakes or failures. My mother taught me that being happy about succeeding or doing well equated to being selfish and haughty. An 'A' in school was "just what I was supposed to get". So why even try? Feeling good about myself doesn't feel good.

Yep, I would agree with your assessment. It sounds like your mother was very shaming. She probably didn't know better. Have you looked at Brenė Brown's videos? She is a shame researcher.

Yeah, my mom is a classic co-dependent. She was just trying to survive and is a loving, strong woman. But she also suffered from depression and reinforced a feeling of helplessness in me. My dad's alcoholism was just something we kids learned to suffer through silently. I've always been able to scuffle through life somehow. But now I feel I am sliding off the face of the earth. Lifting this burden of shame is like trying to turn my blue eyes to brown. Identifying it is one thing. Healing will take a miracle.

Have looked at shame researcher Brenė brown? Similar kind of story is what got me interested. It is possible to let go of that burden. I have been able to with a lot of work.

Amazon.com: Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead eBook: Brene Brown: Books

I have seen a few of her videos. Reading a Bradshaw book now. 12 step is a big part of his recovery model. I have tried that but the groups in my area all seemed to be heavily Christian based. They would gather in a circle holding hands at the end and recite the Lord's Prayer. I didn't feel comfortable with that (it is supposed to be a higher power as I see it). I was raised Catholic but am more spiritual now... not into organized religion. But there really doesn't seem to be any other support group available. I went on wellbutrin and now added zoloft to try and tweak my brain chemistry for less social anxiety and more motivation. But so far it has only made me actually deeply depressed. Maybe my expectations with meds are a bit unrealistic. But hopefully I can dial things in to eventually boost my mood. My biggest obstacle has been seeking out and fostering healthy, beneficial relationships. I tend to just let them atrophy over time and people just drift away. Like Bradshaw says... I don't feel deserving of anyone's help.

I read Bradshaw too but it has been years. I am also not big into org religion. Brenė Brown is agnostic in her work. She certifies therapists to teach it and there are intensives and workshops you can take. There is a directory on her site. My T is certified and sometimes does free stuff. There are only a few like her in my area but they have discussed some sort of ongoing group after the workshop as more people take it.

DBT is another option to look into. The founder, Marsha linehan, is both religion and treatment agnostic. She is spiritual just doesn't care what you are. Those classes are all over the place and it is worth it to do you research about the facility though I don't have much advice on that. I ended up with a great dbt therapist in a lousy facility.

They are completely different approaches so which ever is more comfortable. Both will teach you you are in fact deserving

Thanks Michanne, I have purchased the Brenė Brown book. I know I am deserving but I don't feel it. And before I can feel it I have to want to feel it. The fact is, there is no person or thing that can make me want anything. No drug, no type of therapy... just me. I personally wouldn't bet on myself at this point.

I think you are on the right track. Meds don't help unless you are also doing the work. All the best

One of my problems is the meds are making things worse right now. And I can't begin much of the work until they settle in. I am losing my grip, though I didn't spend most of my 44 years suffering this way only to quit now. But I think I've reached the foothills of my Mt. Everest and it looks very high...

See 'nycgal448' post and my reply,same applies to you,
maybe more so--trust me,they will help you.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

High Bluedove,

I read a bit of Branden and I can equate his idea of self esteem to the work I have been reading on shame or shame-based people . Shame-based being driven largely by a profound lack of self esteem or worthiness. Both are self perpetuating. I would define self esteem as the ability to place inherent value in oneself. And I feel shame-based people are simply unable to do this to a large extent.

I can relate to this a bit. I know I did let down almost everybody I met.
Relatives and GFs and friends and work mates. I even deceived them
and myself. I did not know who I really am or where. I do feel shame
being that deceived by my body and acting in a deceptive way.

The only relief is that I had no clue about it. I did notdo it knowingly as if that help.