Although my self esteem is a lot better than it used to be when I was younger, I still struggle with feelings of inferiority and insecurity. I lack confidence most of the time. Sometimes it shows too, ugh! I have a hard time making friends because of it. I often think that I look fat and ugly even when my friends and family think I'm pretty. My husband thinks that I'm still pretty too although I'm heavy now.

It sure doesn't help that my parents have been hyper critical of me growing up, especially when it came to my looks. My mom was the worst when it came to that. She'd make me feel like a freak for not having a b.f and she'd make comments about how developed other girls my age were when I was as flat as a board. She'd also tell me that I had a big stomach when no one else, even my enemies thought I was the least bit overweight, ugh!

My younger sister would call me all sorts of names too. She was the pretty and popular sister with lots of friends and I was always the "weird" "nerdy", quiet loner type with no real friends until now. Also, it didn't help matters any that I was verbally and bullied quite a bit by a bunch of nasty girls and a few guys from the age of 11-15 mostly. Some of them even used to be my friends! Things weren't as bad in h.s aside from the occasional nasty comment from stuck up you know what's from Jr. High.

Some of them threatened to beat me up, but they were always threats thank goodness! I only got into one real fight back then with some jerk who tried to hurt me in class. So I punched him hard in the face twice since I was so mad, but that wasn't like me. He punched me back then the fight was over. That's the most physical that I ever got back then as I was never really a fighter.

I sometimes can't help but feel that other people are smarter than me, more socially adept, confident, sometimes more attractive, cooler, etc....I have looked up stuff on here on how to be more confident and I have read books on how to be more confident and how to boost one's self esteem more, but nothing seems to work that well most of the time. The whole trying to fake it until you make it definitely doesn't work for me.

I try to tell myself that I'm a good person and that I'm nice, a good friend, and cool in my own way, but sometimes that's not good enough and it doesn't always help. Sometimes I think that people can sense that I'm insecure and that I have some issues with self esteem, so I tend to be taken for granted or treated badly at times, or just flat out ignored most of the time by most people, so I'd like to know how to change that. I try to smile, be friendly, and look people in the eye, but it's hard to do at times. Especially when you're shy and sensitive to rejection.

I'd appreciate any advice on how I can become more confident and improve my self esteem. I don't want to have to wait another ten or twenty years to see some improvement! Can anyone relate to this btw or been through similar situations? I think that years of verbal and emotional abuse has had a huge effect on how I feel about myself sometimes.

[BLUEDOVE]

You are most definitely right about upbringing having negative effect on you. When we are kids
we absorb EVERYTHING, but when we get older
we forget stuff that was said to us,but it is STILL
there running like a recording! Problem is,we think
that those recordings are US! When it is from the
parents. No wonder you have no self-esteem . . . .
BUT,help is at hand! Please get these books for
dear self: "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem", and
"Honoring The Self " by Nathaniel Branden. He is
a psychologist,and the recognized expert on self-
esteem. And please stop yourself trying to 'please'
other people,this is what they look down on you for. They see that as 'weak',and easy to push around someone like that. With others,seek to be
RESPECTED, not liked. The liking will come,but
NOT at the expense of your self-respect.Please do
invest in dear self,you are worth it--but you will
have to put in the WORK to improve!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

You are most definitely right about upbringing having negative effect on you. When we are kids
we absorb EVERYTHING, but when we get older
we forget stuff that was said to us,but it is STILL
there running like a recording! Problem is,we think
that those recordings are US! When it is from the
parents. No wonder you have no self-esteem . . . .
BUT,help is at hand! Please get these books for
dear self: "The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem", and
"Honoring The Self " by Nathaniel Branden. He is
a psychologist,and the recognized expert on self-
esteem. And please stop yourself trying to 'please'
other people,this is what they look down on you for. They see that as 'weak',and easy to push around someone like that. With others,seek to be
RESPECTED, not liked. The liking will come,but
NOT at the expense of your self-respect.Please do
invest in dear self,you are worth it--but you will
have to put in the WORK to improve!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

----------------------------------
Thanks for your advice- I do have better self esteem now. I was pretty bad when I was younger! I'd let myself be taken for granted, used, treated badly, and never really speak up most of the time. I don't put up with any crap from anyone anymore! I speak up when I'm being treated unfairly most of the time now too!

I have fewer friends now, but they're much healthier and genuine friendships to where I usually feel like an equal most of the time now and not just as someone who's just there-:

Also, I no longer try to please other people most of the time, especially when I can clearly see that they don't appreciate my kind gestures. There is a saying that goes like this:

Kindness is NOT a sign of weakness! Why do some people think that it is? Do I have to resort to being selfish to be respected? It seems like the more selfish and narcissitic people that I know are more well liked and respected which I don't get at all. Are most people just stupid and backwards? It sure seems like it!

I no longer pay that much if any attention to those people who don't treat me with respect and consideration. Considering how far I've come over the years, I still don't get why I don't get more respect from people. What is the secret to being liked? I've read books and I think that I do most things right, so you'd think that I'd have more friends, but no, I don't.

Am I doing something wrong? I treat others with respect and consideration, but when they don't do the same for me, I move on. Screw them! I can usually sense when someone is full of crap and not really that genuine almost right away after hanging around them enough and getting to know them better.

It seems like there are just a lot of me, me, me users out there who are full of it. Ugh! I'll have to check out that book sometime. If there is anymore insight or advice you can offer me into why people think that nice people are "weak", then please tell me more about that. Also, I'd like to know more about what you think will get other people to respect me more and maybe even end up liking me. If they don't, then that's fine, but to keep on having little to no luck with people tells me that I'm doing a few things wrong still-:

[Onward2wards]

I want to reread Branden's work too, it makes a lot of sense to me. Another book I can recommend is "Reinventing Your Life", by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko, PhDs. This book is an introduction to Schema Theory, and like Branden's work, it explains how "old tapes" from our formative years affect our thoughts and behaviors afterwards. I just today learned that therapist/author Tara Bennett-Goleman has a book out called "Emotional Alchemy", which combines Schema Theory with mindfulness practices.

Gabrielle Bernstein's books helped me a lot when I went through severe depression and self-loathing. She's a bit new-agey at times, and there are things that I don't agree with, but I felt that she was particularly good at improving my self-esteem. You can give her a try, maybe see if her Youtube videos resonate with you.

Thanks everyone, I'll defintely check out all those books at the library soon. Although my self esteem is a lot better than it used to be, I'm still not as confident as I'd like to be. Especially in social situations and how I am around certain people sometimes!

[BLUEDOVE]

You got it in one! People that think kindness is
weakness . . . .are as thick as 2 planks! Of course it
is ok to be kind, but one must not overdo it,and one
must be careful WHO one is kind too! With others,
look out for the 'seemingly' small things,do they
put other people down,how are they with money,
do they tip, what is their world view,do they show
any compassion? (for instance some tragedy on news), all these and more seep out in one way or
another.So take it on board,this is your job,to see
what seeps out, not just to go along passively just
enjoying someone, (that can change in a flash).
You become,in a way,a detective,and so watch,and
think things over. Also,don't be aggressive,get some
books on being assertive (which is having your say
without abusing the other). E.G. " Sorry,that's not
acceptable to me," rather than "Piss off!"
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

You got it in one! People that think kindness is
weakness . . . .are as thick as 2 planks! Of course it
is ok to be kind, but one must not overdo it,and one
must be careful WHO one is kind too! With others,
look out for the 'seemingly' small things,do they
put other people down,how are they with money,
do they tip, what is their world view,do they show
any compassion? (for instance some tragedy on news), all these and more seep out in one way or
another.So take it on board,this is your job,to see
what seeps out, not just to go along passively just
enjoying someone, (that can change in a flash).
You become,in a way,a detective,and so watch,and
think things over. Also,don't be aggressive,get some
books on being assertive (which is having your say
without abusing the other). E.G. " Sorry,that's not
acceptable to me," rather than "Piss off!"
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

----------------------------------------------
So, why do you think that a lot of people think that kind people are dumb and weak? To me, that's just stupid as kind people can be strong and just because you're nice but not overly nice, that doesn't mean that you're dumb.

It's sad that so many people have become so jaded and stupid. Anyways, I do pay a lot more attention to other people's actions these days. Once I can see that my kindness is not being appreciated or reciprocated, I stop. I'm no idiot.

Hopefully this doesn't sound petty, but even with my best friend, I got annoyed that she texted me at the very last minute for the last few years on my B-day as well as giving me B.S excuses about gifts. I knew that she couldn't afford to give me anything at the time, but she kept on "forgetting" and to lie to me about saying she'll eventually get me something upset me. I kept that to myself though since she won't get it anyways and just get defensive and B.S me again.

So I did the same thing to her and texted her later in the day on her B-day instead of taking the time to send her an e-card or buy her one. I also didn't get her anything for Christmas last year.

She reluctantly gave me some cheap crap that she was planning on selling almost a year later after I casually reminded her about her promise. I wasn't trying to be mean, it's just that enough is enough. I can deal with no gift, but the lies are what really gets to me.

I knew that if I confronted her about things that she'd get upset, so I just let it go as it's not a friend breaking deal breaker although it was a thoughtless way to treat a best friend, to not even care enough to call me in person to talk or hang out in person that day. My b-day is on a holiday, but not one to where you have to spend it with family instead, so that made it even more disappointing.

I don't put up with crap from people anymore. I have few close friend these days, but they are good people who treat me with respect 99% of the time.

I'm usually more assertive than aggressive with most people most of the time. However, when someone irritates me or pisses me off to much, then I can't help but be a little mean. I try not to be though. I'm usually a nice person as long as people don't try to lie to me or treat me bad.

[Nicks_Nose]