[tiodlliwi]

Hi- I'm new here and a little nervous. I am pretty anxious lately and have been dealing with anxiety & depression for about 15 years now (am 26 currently). There are numerous things going on with me and I can't seem to tell up from down.

To begin, I am just a very worried, anxious, and easily excitable person. On top of that, I feel like I am at a HUGE transitional point in my life that is very ackward and unsettling And, on top of even that, I have done something that has made all of the above even more difficult.

I have been married for a little over 2 years. I had been with my fiance for 5+ years before we got engaged. While we were in engaged, I had an affair. I was about to graduate college, get my first real job, get married and my anxiety peaked to the point where I felt I needed to go on Paxil. It helped with the anxiety- but I didn't feel any emotion at all. I was not myself. Please don't judge me because this is not something I am proud of. In fact, I carry the guilt with me every day of my life like a back pack.

I did not tell my husband until about a year into the marriage (when I got off the medication) and it is something that we've really been working on. After over a year, I can say that it seems that he is dealing with it much better than I am. I think about it all the time, wonder if people around me know about the horrible thing I've done and feel like everyone is judging me.

I am seeing a therapist to work on the guilt and the anxiety. I just often times lately feel crazy. My anxiety has taken over completely. I worry about death, money, will I ever be a mother? will I be a good mother or a crazy mother who always deals with these "bouts"? I often come home from work and just cry or stand in the kitchen because I don't know what to do with myself. My husband is SO supportive, especially given the circumstances. However, after months of this high amount of anxiousness and depression, it's draining him- he sees it as though no matter what, I'm still not happy. Maybe it's true- I don't know what makes me happy anymore.

I've always been so close and so dependent on my parents (I'm the baby of the family) but I'm at a point in my life where I feel I cannot or DO NOT want to turn to them to pick up the pieces. Not to mention I know that, although they would always love me, they would be very judgemental and not at all supportive. However, I feel so much shame and guilt that it feels like I'm starting to isolate myself from friends and family because I don't want anyone to know about our past OR to know that my anxiety is this out of control.

My parents, brothers, and all other relatives are starting to really ask alot about "when are you going to have kids?" This is just not something I am prepared to even think about right now but at the same time, is all I can think about sometimes. Am I even making any sense anymore?

Does anyone have any advice, support, or words of wisdom at all? I want to make my marriage work, but more importantly, I do want to work on MYSELF- which is also the key to making ANY of my other relationships work (husband, friends, family, etc)

Please help!

[mgs1]

Focus on your inability to cope with stressors that cause the anxiety first. Coping strategies should be dealt with in therapy. Nevertheless, focus on "you" first and other problems will eventually wane.

[Milanist]

Hey, there is no reason for us to judge you!

You are really special, you have made a mistake in the past and actually confessed it to the person directly related to it, your husband! Be proud of that!

Take it easy, you have made the most difficult step, the rest is relatively easyer. Go to therapy together, it helps to get things out in the open! It helps make your relationship stronger, it will help you get rid of the guilt you feel.

Everyone does mistakes, we just cant except them when we do it! Why are we so hard on ourselfs! Life is a journy, it is not a straight plain road but a bumpy one! Accept your mistakes and learn from them! If you do this then you are one of the best!!!

As regards to kids! there is no hurry, if you dont feel prepared, then wait a wile longer! Dont have kids cause your friends and family want to! If they want a kid,. let them make it Nowerdays couples are having kids at any age so dont worry be happy

Life is very hard, dont take everything so serious, youve got to take it with a pinch of salt! Dont think that people are looking at you and judgeing you, most probably they are trying to hide their secrets too, cause everybody has a couple!

Just know that you are not alone, you have your husband, you have us and most importantly you have yourself! Help yourself get trough this dont be hard on yourself when you make a mistake. Remember if you dont do mistakes then you would not learn what and what not to do!

Good luck! and take care!

[tiodlliwi]

Milanist-

Thank you for that wonderful response. It is just so nice to have supportive and understanding people here. I just wish I could find a way to feel better. About my self, all of my relationships, with everything. I don't know why I'm anxious all the time. THinking about what I SHOULD be doing or feeling or comparing myself with others, comparing my family to others, and most often, comparing my relationship to others'. It is exhausting and I'm trying so hard to get better at not doing this.

But thanks again!!!

[Irine]

eh, all those feelings you described are SO familiar to me!
the probelm with us is really that we judge ourselces-and becasue we judge ourselves with think other do it.

sometimes we feel as if "commiting a crime"
but there is no reason to feel this way.
i agree with the post above! good post!

[Wants2Fly]

I don't see not telling your dh about the Paxil as the horrible thing you are making it out to be. I hope this doesn't mean I'm unethical or amoral.

Don't get me wrong; I think disclosure is a good thing in general, and up to a point. I don't think anyone would feel that openness had been violated if, for example, a bride didn't disclose to the groom that she took an allergy pill. In fact, about the only thing medication I think one would have a moral obligation to disclose would be treatment for an STD -- and that's not because of a moral imperative to disclose the medication but rather to disclose the STD.

I agree with the reply that people here are not likely to judge, lest we be judged. How are things going?

[tiodlliwi]

Wants2fly-
Oh, I think you misunderstood my post. What I meant to say was that I did not tell him about the affair until after we were married. I slipped in there that it was at the time I went off Paxil. Why I say that is because I felt a strong correlation between getting off medication and feeling a ton of guilt. On the Paxil it was as though I did not FEEL anything- then once off, I was overwhelmed with so much emotion it was unreal. Not that I blame the meds for what I did but I do feel it did help me not to feel the pain of what I did while I was on it.

That is sort of funny that you thought I was feeling that much guilt for not telling him about he meds! He always knew I was on them. No, my secret was much, much bigger than meds unfortunately.

Thanks for writing and checking in. Things get better with him and I every single day. That is why it is so difficult for me to understand why I am not making as great of progress towards healing. How do we speed up this process of gaining self confidence and forgiving ourselves. I swear, about 20 times a day I think "what if everyone knew- my parents would be sooo disapointed"... as a grown woman (well, 26 anyways!) that is a horrible burden to walk around with- still so concerned with breaking your parents' hearts. Does this ever go away!!!

[Irine]

"Does this ever go away!!! "

depends on your choce.
i mean-if you try to relax and let the bad feeling go.

if
(i think that people get mad at me if i say "let og" another time)

but not only that. i know it happenes gradually but it happenes. i used to have bad feelings about htings i did...

why do you htink your parent would be disapointed?
becasue you still struggle with he thought it was "bad..."

i suppose mabe the first step towards better is to EXCEPT the fact that now you are the way you are. i mean-in the healing process - you are where you are and that`s the case. becasue...

"IF YOU FIGHT WITH REALITY YOU WILL ALWAYS LOSE"
-kettie Bayron (great isn`t she!!!)
she has that book and it`s talking about loving adn excepting what we have.

but if you go on working on your self asteem/confidance i believe one day you will figure out the problems are not a part from who you are.
it happened to me....i hope it`ll happen to you as well.

[Wants2Fly]

In the immortal words of Homer Simpson -- Doh!

I certainly feel like a dope.

[tiodlliwi]

No, problem- I certainly got a kick out of it!

Thanks again for everyone's kind words and support. I really appreciate this site. People are supportive but at the same time, they tell it like it is. Thank you!

[Irine]

"they tell it like it is. "

what did you mean?

[tiodlliwi]

I just mean, people here are supportive but are also really good at giving meaningfull advice without always sugar-coating it. Not to say that anyone is offensive- just a breath of fresh air.

[Irine]

"without always sugar-coating "

lol i don`t do that as you see.
the problem with it is that it gives you illussions....it MAY give you an illussion.. that`s why sugar coating, as you call it, is not helping. it`s just when people want to be "nice".

i am glad you have a healthy point of view .