I ****ing HATE myself

I always have. I can't remember ever feeling even remotely good about myself. It's always been hate, hate, hate. Because I'm fat, because I'm ugly, because I can't do anything right and when I do try something it always has to suck. I hate myself because I'm lame and can't fit in with other people my age (teens) because my interests are to different from theirs. I hate my fat *** body and how I can't fit into nice-looking clothes so I always have to walk around in frumpy-looking **** because I can't afford the $40 shirts on Torrid and sites like that. I hate my ugly face and how it looks bad no matter what I do with it, makeup, no makeup. I hate the fact that I'm 17 and never had a boyfriend, never been kissed or even held hands with a guy. I feel like no one will ever want me and that I might as well give up on ever finding love because it ain't happenin'! Not for a ******-*** ugly **** like me, no way. I hate myself because I'm shy and can't talk to people and I don't even have any friends. I feel so unloved and unappreciated. I hate it that everyone thinks they can treat me bad because I'm 'soft' and 'vulnerable'. (I'm naturally a sensitive person, so when someone insults me I can't just "brush it off".) I hate it when my mom and sister encourage me to talk more but when I finally try to talk they interrupt me and don't apologize, don't even ask me what I was going to say. I'm sorry for the rant, I just really hate myself right now.

Don't be sorry for the rant, this is the perfect place to rant free of judgement. I am sorry you feel so awfully about yourself. Do you see a therapist at all? It may be helpful to you and help you work on your self esteem.
Seventeen is still young, there's plenty of time to get a boyfriend! Hang in there darling

Thanks.
Unfortunately, I can't go see a therapist because of reasons that I would rather not mention (it's a long story). So I'm currently having to work through my issues without the help of therapy or meds. I also know that 17 is young and there's plenty of time. But the fact that I haven't even been kissed yet is just really embarrassing for me. There are just certain things I feel like I should have experienced by now. Besides the fact that I feel really unattractive and undesirable because I'm pretty sure that no one has ever been attracted to me, ever.
And I feel like guys my age in general are just repulsed by me (I'm fat and not very pretty).

That's a whole lotta hatin' going on

You've always hated yourself? You mean you can't recall any time in your life when you liked yourself? That's very sad and indicates you may have been traumatized (doesn't matter what it was, it was big to you) quite young.

Do others say these things to you, that you are ugly and fat etc? Or do they tell you otherwise?

As for clothes, is there a way to earn some money to buy one or two of those shirts you want to feel good in? Are there discount stores around, even Goodwill or the like? I bought some silk designer blouses for dollars there...and have found designer jeans etc as well...but I do understand the size issue. Does your doctor say you are xx overweight? How did he suggest he'd help you with that?

You can have an Avon party or Mary Kay for a makeup show and then your friends could enjoy it with you, and you'll learn how to use makeup to look your best. That's all any of us can do, look our best, even if we aren't always 100% happy with it.

It's tough not to have someone in your court, so to speak, who actually listens to what you say. It could be they are tired of hearing all the depressing talk and things they disagree with, perhaps?

Depression disrupts our rational thinking. It could be you've been depressed much of your life and now have very bad (for you) habits of thinking.

There's a good book (see if you can check it out of the library) Who Switched Off my Brain? By Dr Caroline Leaf. She talks about creating toxic trees of memory in the brain---and how to create good ones. Also, Dr Martin Seliger has some positive psychology books out... how to begin to feel better about yourself, battling depression and all that...rewiring the brain...changing the negative chemicals into positive ones (yes, mind over matter works!)

Sigh. Don't chomp off too big a bite at first...take one item and work on it. You're worth it!