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i am sorry, okiedokie, that you received the PMs that you did. i enjoy your posts and believe that i've learned from you. maybe i haven't told you before and i certainly regret it if i havne't......
xoxoxo pat

One thing that we can do is to remember "intentionality." Before you start writing, and again before pushing the button to publish your post, ask yourself what your intent is and how people are probably going to feel and respond to what you are saying.

Tomi, you commented on my signature when I changed it recently, in another thread. You said something about it taking two people. That is true. We can also take a minute and think about what the sender's intent probably was in posting what they did. If it hits you the wrong way, ask yourself if you are picking up something that wasn't their intention. Give them the benefit of the doubt. What needs might be underlying their post? Are they trying to be supportive to somebody? Do they sometimes have difficulty expressing themselves clearly? Sometimes all of us struggle with that.

If you struggle with communicating what you really mean, or people take your messages the wrong way, or if there have been complaints or negative reactions to some of your posts, what could you work on so that your posts will more clearly communicate your best intentions?

One thing that I need to remember is to watch my quick replies. Even though this one is a quick reply following Tomi's post, and even though I responded to something she wrote, it is not actually intended to be a reply to the preceding post, or particularly directed to Tomi. I almost forgot to mention that though, and that could have led to a misunderstanding.

Rap

Thanks, Wendy! If you hadn't added that "quick post" disclaimer, I would simply have thought that you think I need to work on my posting some more. ... which I probably do!

oooo I think intentionality might be read into someone's posting... depending upon the reader's disorder and POV, and the poster's habit of posting. Guess that's up to the mods to deternmine if it's a pattern of posting or not?

(((time)))) Hope you don't read anything negative in posts

Well, I've been accused of posting with the intent to hurt. Not even! It was the way it was taken, that's all. Some people just "can't handle the truth." That's when the self-care motion of clicking on the IGNORE button comes into play.

I do the best I can posting and generally post for what I'm interested in so don't often get anxious about replies because I'm not trying to change anyone's mind or even "influence" someone else but mostly either discussing my point of view on something or my experience.

If someone doesn't agree with what I said or even if they have said something I feel is unkind, since I'm coming from "myself" there's not much danger or hurt. I can try to see their point of view or not but "your mother wears combat boots" doesn't bother me because it's not "true" and doesn't apply and usually I just figure it's said by someone who doesn't know me and my situation or is otherwise shooting from the top of their heads. I take stock and see if I'm "hit" and usually it's a miss and if it's a hit, I have other problems such as figuring out "why" it is a hit so the interest goes back to me and what I need and what is happening with me, etc. Pushing my buttons gets me to look at the button and how to disable it, not at the pusher to whom I feel "grateful" for showing me where the often elusive button is.

Whether or not I get replies, I post for the post I'm posting, and learn about myself from what I have to say in that one post. Trying to respond to a question or put my opinion or experience into words is hard enough the one time and anything that comes after is gravy and/or a new opportunity to post again. I love when people give thoughtful replies but that's not a primary reason I post.

You said it so much better than I! I like your analogy of being "hit" by something someone said. If I feel triggered or angry, I stop to think about why I felt that reaction.

(((time)))) Hope you don't read anything negative in posts

Well Sky, I have to say that I do. I think I am not the only one who does.

ok, but see?

The best way to ensure that ALL feel safe from "reading things into posts" is to be very mindful of our OWN posts.... and vow *never* to post something that is a subtle dig at another, and ask yourself with each post if it could easily be construed as one.

We cannot control what others do, but we can control our own behavior! And at the end of the day, isn't the most important thing to be able to sleep well knowing that you always took the higher road?

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LMo said:
ok, but see?

The best way to ensure that ALL feel safe from "reading things into posts" is to be very mindful of our OWN posts.... and vow *never* to post something that is a subtle dig at another, and ask yourself with each post if it could easily be construed as one.

We cannot control what others do, but we can control our own behavior! And at the end of the day, isn't the most important thing to be able to sleep well knowing that you always took the higher road?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> that's just it Lee Ann.....some here CANNOT control their behaviour despite numerous interventions on behalf of mods and admins. that's the crux on a mental health site.

anything could be read as a dig depending on where someone is in their personal healing and disease/disorder. for others to judge what is a dig and what is honest expression is a fine line that has been tripped upon many a times.

as for the higher road and sleeping well..............no comment.

excellent post LMo!!!!! thank you

((okie))

One of my first days here I was in a chat and was told off by someone I thought I was being empathetic and encouraging toward. I was sorry it happened because I didn't mean to be offensive or alienate someone, particularly alienate them from PC>

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About telling a poster "The Truth" ... that doesn't exist for me as it does for another. Actually it doesn't even exist in the way it is mentioned here. Something becomes "The Truth" to a person when they accept it and if they accept it and until then it is the other person's truth.

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Sometimes a post is the door opening a tiny crack, someone peeking in to check out the atmosphere, to see if it's safe and kind and non-judgemental here. To see if it's safe to open the door futther, to step in. If we grab that door and yank it open before the other person is ready, we might lose them. and I think that is a fear sometimes.. on both sides of the door.

" The best way to ensure that ALL feel safe from "reading things into posts" is to be very mindful of our OWN posts.... and vow *never* to post something that is a subtle dig at another, and ask yourself with each post if it could easily be construed as one."

I agree totally.

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vow *never* to post something that is a subtle dig at another

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We can vow to do what you said, Time0, but how another takes our statements, no matter how gentle or well-intentioned, is beyond our control. Other people's perspectives and POVs are out of our control.

None of us, nowhere, can we please all of the people all of the time. The listener has as much responsibility in how they take in things said as much as the speaker has the responsibility to state things in an understanding, caring manner.

Unfortunately, the lines of communication are always breaking down because of perspectives and magnified by our own mental illnesses.

The only thing I am sure off at 100% Tomi, is my intentions when I post. That is something I can control.

btw this is said with a very soft voice and with a lot of sadness.

It's just the way it goes with written word. We can't know the intention or the tone, so we project. I can read a post one time and feel one way about it and read it another time, in a different frame of mind, and get a completely different feel from it.

It's tricky. Misunderstandings are inevitable, but keeping communication open to talk about them when they happen can help clear things up.

True. And unless we each state how the following post is to be read (softly, slowly, intensely, vehemently etc) we read it as it first appears to us.

I think another factor that comes into play is the familiarity here of many members. Not only do we expect readers to "know us better than that" if it's anything negative...or they might know from behind the scenes how we really are feeling about a subject... but we expect members to know us... each post, each thread, each chat comment... and it just doesn't work that way all the time.

We fall into habits of reading certain ppl certain ways, and if that way isn't how we want to be read, it will take a great effort and more communication (such as identifying the exact mood for the subject like you did, not just say, saying I'm not angry...") to change the current thinking... for any of us, not just you or me.

It is a good thing, PC, where we can work on social skills like this. Don't you think?

My last two responses to you, Time0, were in a gentle voice and a smile on my face. Too bad you couldn't hear or see.

I heard Tomi. Don't worry.

and gently 'spoken', with interest and curiosity...

We are all separate and it's in that separateness that the misunderstandings occur. We can't know another person so well that the separateness lessens or doesn't exist, so we can't know another 'enough' to know their intentions, their thoughts behind their words.

Communication is as much about miscommunicatiing as it is about communicating. The risk is always there of being misunderstood. That's why it's always a good idea to check out our perceptions with the other person, particularly when we feel hurt or angry or misunderstood.

Yes I love the communication here at PC. Communication in such a caring environment feels good. Safe.

Sometimes I'm scared to post because I feel I don't give enough support here, and ask for too much in return. It's selfish of me, I know, but I really don't know that much about mental health (although I have learnt quite a lot since coming here), so I doubt my advice is much use anyway. I do try, though.

Rio, that's okay. This site is here to support people who need it, and there honestly is no expectation that people who ask for support have any kind of mental health background. I am glad that you are learning, and when you are ready you can offer more support if you want to. In fact, usually what people want and need the most is just for someone to hear what they are saying, and you do that just fine already.

time0, in all the time that you've been at PC never have i ever suspected you having any intention of hurting or upsetting someone.

i've known you since the first day you posted and i've been with you through the good times and the bad times......yet, you never strike out at anyone.

your intentions are good. xoxoxo pat

Pat, your words went straight to my heart.

Thank you for believing in my honesty and trusting me. Thank you so much!

Much love!