[cremedelacreme]

Hello!

I need some assistance with my issue of what seems to be sabotaging my own relationships (not intentionally). Everyone who is close to me I end up pushing away somehow. Roommates, college friends, high school friends. If I'm being totally honest I think that when I see someone (another female) as a threat I go into defense mode and start fights to keep them away.

Also, if I do have fights with people and a third party mutual friend doesn't side with me or support me, I begin to hate them too and eventually write them off.

The only person I have left by the grace of God is my boyfriend. I always pick fights with him but luckily he does stay around. If I lost him I don't know what I would do.

How can I just relax and not push everyone away? How can I muster up some confidence to just let things happen and not freak out at my boyfriend over every little thing. If someone happened to our relationship, I would just have lost everything.

[healingme4me]

I have learned that it's human nature to have a fight/flight response. I have also learned, that when it's an over reaction, parts stem from what I consider an 'echo' of an experience somewhere growing up. Leads to anger and resentment. I've learned it's rather common place.

Feeling on the defensive from sensing a threat, as you mentioned other females, it's natural, yet, causing a breakdown of your friendships and relationships.

There's a variety of courses of action, if you've a sincere desire to break this pattern. A therapist trained in CBT, self help literature ranging from anger, relationship building, friendship strengthening, trust building, etc. All could help.

[hamster-bamster]

Well, you said that it is not intentional that you are pushing people away, so I expected to read about social anxiety or subtle clues of negative disposition. And yet, you are describing fights - they are pretty intentional to me. Can you, as a stopgap measure, register your feeling threatened by another female and react to that feeling by not pursuing a relationship with her and not saying anything above formal pleasantries? You will be pushing away still, but in a subtle way, without fights. If you can get there, then from there you can take bigger steps along the lines suggested by Healing. The step I am proposing has two goals - to contain the damage and to show you that you are capable of controlling your responses. You may not control feeling threatened, but you can learn to control what you do in reaction to feeling threatened.