[lenjan]

I would love to hear how other folks get through feeling you don't deserve to have people be nice to you. I worked on it forever in therapy, but apparently the lesson didn't stick.

Somebody has offered to do something for me that will really help me out of a jam, and it was a completely unsolicited offer and made in all sincerity and genuineness. It took me a day to accept it, and I feel like a complete schmuck for doing so.

I've been able to separate out so far that some of it is pride -- I'm fiercely independent and can't stand having to rely on others. That I can't take care of this for myself is wounding my pride. It spirals into the negative self-talk of what a complete frickin' loser I am precisely *because* I can't take care of it for myself, and how much more this person has achieved than me, blah blah blah. I have a thread in Depression about something similar, and I was encouraged to know that it gets better as you get older, but I'm plenty old (42) and I still feel like a waste of time, space and DNA for not having achieved what I set out to do, and I'm still apparently incapable of not comparing myself to others.

I start with a new T the 23rd -- I guess this will be our first topic? The only thing is, I keep thinking about how let down my last T would be if he knew I still failed at this, after all the work we did on it. Then I feel even worse!

Ideas/suggestions/helpful hints most welcome.....

Candy

[Hopefull]

Have you made progress on it? Fighting our own self-criticism can take a long time. You sound like you have increased your self-awareness on the subject. I have trouble letting people help me with things too. I do it for a different reason though, I have a strong fear of being let down by others and my step-father taught me form of indepedence that is just too extreme.
I have been reading a book on self-esteem. It points out that we are worthy because we are alive. I believe that we are created by God and are worthy souly for this reason. Do you beleive in a God or believe that human life is in someway sacred. If you do, you might could base your self-worth on the fact that you are a living miracle. I still can't get over how sophisticated our bodies and minds are. If not, I'm sure there are other ways to re-think a feeling of unworthiness. I hope you new T and you can start where you left off and continue to work on it. If you are like me and many other people, you have made progress on this (It just may not seem like it's not enough to count) and you have had successes in your life.
My affirmation that I made up is "Everyone has had successes and failures in their life. Therefore, I have had successes and failures in my life." After I thought of this, I started listing my successes. It was the first time that I ever felt like I'd ever had a success in my life. I shared it with T in my next session. Good luck and work hard!

[ozzie]

Hi Candy,
I think it has more to do with low self esteem than with being independent. It almost sounds like you are blaming yourself for having low self esteem or "unworthiness". It's not your fault and you can learn ways to increase your self esteem some, I think. A lot of our self esteem is established as we are growing up so we may always be a little short changed in that area. That's my opinion, anyway. You do deserve good things.

[findebsoon]

Hi hopeful, I would like to second the great post you have entered by what Candy was facing that self-esteem is
difficult to understand because of its nature. Failures
can sometimes make us feel as though we are weak or "worth-
less" and don't measure up to what we believe we can
accomplish. We need to re-think and re-gain what we are
capable of doing because of who we are not because of who we want to be. Also, find out what you are good at doing and savour
every achievement. Thanks
DB

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
candybear said:
Somebody has offered to do something for me that will really help me out of a jam, and it was a completely unsolicited offer and made in all sincerity and genuineness. It took me a day to accept it, and I feel like a complete schmuck for doing so.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Candy, sounds to me like you're doing great! If you did "finally" accept it, who cares that you have a schmucky feeling for a bit, it's either that or not get out of the jam? I think the more experience you get doing "it" the better you'll get at it. So, I'd work on making yourself recognize and accept everything that comes your way :-) Make up a list of "thank you", or "Please!" etc. responses and decide to accept 3 offers a day (so you'd have to work hard at "hearing" the offer in the first place; I get so use to instantly rejecting that I don't even hear what was offered or think about it well enough :-) or a certain number a week. After awhile the "game" will be second nature and you'll learn all the myriad ways one can offer "themselves" to others (which is another form of vulnerability) and perhaps will have learned some new ways to be helpful/attuned to others in a way you really like?

Candybear, when I taught myself embroidery with silk ribbons, the first lesson said this, "there are no mistakes, only variations". I've tried to keep that in mind since then. Don't be so hard on yourself, you just had a small variation......pat

I used to live near Amish communities and at a quilt show I heard that they will purposely leave one mistake in their project... to show that they are mortal and of course they make mistakes... that only God is perfect.

I don't know how to get through feelings of unworthiness though, in answer to the question posed.

I am sitting here this morning struggling with it as it relates to therapy. My weekly appointment is today and I don't feel like I deserve to be there, don't feel worthy of taking her time and energy. I love being there though and am committed to this so I'm going.

So I guess, worthy or not, here I come.

[SecretGarden]

I think that there are times in our lives that we need to accept what we need from others. And sometimes like Perna mentioned, keep our ears and eyes open to what comes to us and allow it to come in. (Yup...I too need to work on this one I am sure.) There are also times in my life that I have learned to ask for help for my own good in however I need it.... a favor, support, etc...

In turn as we feel better we can return the favor along the road of our life, be it to the original giver or to those that we see need a little something that we are able to give. Sometimes we can provide a random act of kindness that may or may not be known but that along our way make us feel better about ourselves and help someone at the same time. What a deal. So....in some ways.... you are giving the giver a gift of accepting what they wish to give you to help you along your way. Accept it and then... pass it forward when you are able....however you are able.. There are some nice commercials on TV these days that now depict some of this.

(((((((((Candybear))))))))))) You deserve anything good that comes your way.
Accept it and enjoy it and don't ever doubt that you deserve it.
You're a good, kind and caring person-it's nice to see someone like you being rewarded instead of some jerkwad. If you know what I mean.